Click to enlarge picture of ignorant chimp Just sitting around wasting time

Stupid Chimps Just Now Learning How To Use Spear!

Researchers Unclear If Incident Was Just Luck

DES MOINES, Iowa -- Researchers have witnessed a chimpanzee skewering a lemur-like creature for supper, but it's likely the spectacle was a bit of luck since Chimps aren’t nearly as smart as we are.

A team led by Iowa State University anthropology professor Jill Pruetz witnessed the spearing of a bushbaby in Fongoli, Senegal, during an observation of chimpanzees from March 2005 to July 2006. In a study being released Thursday in the online version of the journal Current Biology, Pruetz documents 22 cases of chimps using spear-like tools to hunt bushbabies - a stupid little primate that lives in hollow branches or tree trunks. It is thought that the stupid chimps are merely accidentally impaling the bushbabies, since Chimps are so stupid. They can’t even bathe themselves for crissake.

"It's not uncommon to have chimps use tools. But to use them in the context of hunting" is nearly unheard of, she said.

Pruetz said the practice is most common among adolescent females, ages 10 to 13, which must compete against physically superior males.

"It's a way of accessing protein or meat that is a creative solution to this problem," she said.
Pruetz said the chimpanzees stripped leaves from tree branches and modified the tip with their incisors, "effectively making a point." Then the chimpanzees jabbed the tool into a cavity to snag a bushbaby. “Too bad the chimps haven’t figured out how to make a tooth brush, since their breath smells like rotting bushbabies” she said. “Oh and they can’t add or subtract, talk, use a toilet or behave themselves either” she went on to say. Chimps are stupid.

Only once did researchers observe a chimpanzee extracting a bushbaby by using a spear, and that has some scientists questioning whether the chimp was actually hunting. Chimpanzees commonly use sticks to fish for food, such as termites, said Ian Gilby, a postdoctoral fellow who studies chimpanzee hunting at Harvard University. The fact that Chimps even eat termites is evidence of how stupid they are. They don’t know how to make steaks on the grill like humans do, because they are stupid. They probably drink water out of a stupid bowl instead of soda because they are stupid.

"You frequently see chimps sticking sticks into holes or trees, because they are stupid, and think that’s where food comes from," said Gilby, who hadn't read the study.

David DeGusta, an assistant professor of anthropological sciences at Stanford University, lauded Pruetz's work because of the rarity of studying chimpanzees outside Gombe, where renowned researcher Jane Goodall did her work. It's hard to get animals accustomed to human presence and willing to carry on naturally. Not to mention getting a stupid chimp to behave naturally”, DeGusta said. “Behave yourself you stupid chimp. See? Its just staring at me like I’m speaking Chinese or something. God, these animals are dumb. I can get my dog to shake hands, go potty outside and lay down. These Chimps don’t know their ass from a hole in the wall. They really don’t know shit from shineola” DeGusta went on to say.

"The more populations that are studied, the more we learn about how their behavior can vary," said DeGusta, who also hadn't read the study.

No one has read the study because it’s really boring and about stupid chimps. I’m certainly not going to read that shit.

Pruetz's study was funded by Iowa State University and the National Geographic Society.
Her Iowa State graduate students continue to observe other emerging patterns among chimpanzees in Senegal. None of those patterns are interesting, nor are they indicative that Chimps are anything but stupid, smelly animals. Maybe if the study was on how to cook them and eat them more people would read it. But no, it’s just boring and stupid.

"In a million years I never would've predicted that I would've seen (hunting)," she said. "I'm going to plug along and see what unfolds" said Pruetz, the stupid woman.

By File Boy

Charlie The Unicorn

This is a riot!

Photo Released Of Center City Attacker

PHILADELPHIA -- Philadelphia police need your help trying to track down a monster.

Take a good look at the photo above. This is a picture of the monster witnesses described near the scene of the last incident at 24th and Aspen in Fairmount on Jan. 21.

Police believe the monster is responsible for at least seven attacks since last November.

“In most instances, the monster runs up to strangers, strikes up a conversation, and then asks for a ride to Hollywood”, according to City Police Officer Barret Fozzie. “The alarming thing about it is if you say yes, you quickly realize he’s too big to fit into your car. If you say no, then you have this big monster running down the road after you”, Fozzie also said.

A member of a local rock band, Electric Mayhem, named Janice had this to say about the Center City Attacker: “I’m not sure why they’ve dubbed him the ‘Center City Attacker’, man. As far as I know, he never hurt anyone. He’s a totally groovy monster. He just wants a ride to Hollywood”. “For Surely”, she later said.

Witnesses have reported the monster running down the road carrying a knapsack, apparently hitchhiking his way towards Hollywood. Others have reported the monster resembles a nearby used car lot attendant named Harry.

A $7,000 reward is being offered for information leading to the arrest of the monster.

By File Boy

Man Guilty Of Letting Drunk 14-Year-Old Drive Without “Roaders”

HANOVER, Va. -- A Virginia man who allowed his 14-year-old son to drive without a few “roaders” has pleaded guilty to felony child neglect.

Jimmy Washington faces up to two years in prison when he is sentenced in April.

Hanover County prosecutors said Washington told police that while fishing with his son he'd “drank too much to remember” to make sure his son “had a few more for the long ride home”, so he allowed his son to drive – without the customary “roaders” to accompany the teen -- on his 10-mile drive home.

The police were alerted to the situation upon noticing an obviously thirsty teen speeding down the interstate. Police, performing a traffic stop on the teen for speeding were shocked at his level of thirst. The officers immediately deployed a beer bong from the trunk and administered 25ccs of Budweiser on the scene.

Investigators credit the heroic actions of the police officers that enabled the teen to continue his brave race home.

The teen was able to complete the journey in time to get a cold one out of the refrigerator, upon reaching his parent’s home. He was later charged with driving without a roader and driving thirsty, both misdemeanors.

by File Boy

Tony Two-Toes, circa 2006

Standoff Prompts Daycare Evacuation

A SWAT team was rushed to the 100 block of Phillips Avenue in Odessa Friday morning after receiving reports that two toddlers were engaged in a stand-off over who could play on the sit and spin.

The situation started just after 10 a.m. when Anthony “Tony two-toes” Jones, age 3 and Paul “Paully Brazil nuts” Skinner, age 2 and ½ both attempted to climb onto the daycare’s sit and spin at exactly the same time.

Earlier reports of shots fired inside the daycare center have not been confirmed, though the uneasy standoff continues, according to witnesses.

Police have not been injured, but it was unclear if there were any hostages inside the daycare or if anyone was injured inside.

Authorities described “Tony two-toes” as a short person, approximately 3 years of age, slight build and wearing a pair of dungarees. “Paully Brazil nuts” Skinner has been described as a quiet child, who “…doesn’t ask nothin’ from nobody” according to the daycare center’s director, Mrs. Cranston.

Police were still on the scene and no additional information was immediately released.

By File Boy

Taco Bell rats seen scurrying inside closed KFC/Taco Bell in New York City’s Greenwich Village

Rats cause another public relations setback for the company, enjoy a night of chicken and tacos

NEW YORK (CNN) -- A pack of a dozen or more rats running and playing inside a closed KFC/Taco Bell restaurant in New York City's Greenwich Village early Friday morning prompted shrieks from onlookers and fodder for the morning television talk shows, which aired video of the infestation.

The restaurant, on 6th Avenue near New York University, had been cited as recently as December for a number of health code violations, including evidence of rodents and live cockroaches.

KFC and Taco Bell is owned by Yum Brands - a publicly held corporation based in Louisville, Ky. The two restaurants often operate in the same rat-infested and e-coli encrusted retail space.

The company said in a written statement that the restaurant was inspected as recently as Thursday and tried to address the problem by doing construction in the basement. Ironically, it said that work may have temporarily worsened the infestation problem.

"This is completely unacceptable and is an absolute violation of our ‘high’ standards," the company statement says. "We've talked with the franchisee, who is actively addressing this issue, as is evident by the preventative construction in the basement yesterday that temporarily escalated the situation. (Let’s restate that: “…preventive construction…escalated the situation.”)

"This store will remain closed until this issue is completely resolved. The health department inspected the restaurant yesterday and we will ask them to return when work is complete to give the restaurant a clean bill of health"

Most Taco Bell restaurants are owned by franchisees and operated, at least during the daylight hours, by humans. Overnight, it is not uncommon for rodents to assume the helm and control the franchise until morning.

Public records indicate that the last listed owner on record for this franchise is Ratty McMouseterd of Madison, Conn. Calls to McMouseterd were answered with breathing and what sounded like large teeth chewing on the phone’s receiver and a bristling sound, not unlike whiskers rubbing against the hand set was also heard.

Although it passed its health inspections, the restaurant was cited for evidence of rodents several times in the past three years, among other violations. In its most recent inspection, the restaurant scored a 10 on the city Department of Health's inspection meter. A score of 28 or more indicates that the restaurant poses a public health hazard. (Allow us to restate this statistic: The store, which has a pack of wild rats running amok inside, scored a 10 on the Health inspection meter. That means it could have scored 17 points worse and still not been considered a health hazard. Yum.)

The restaurant's scores have improved from a 16 in 2004 and a 14 in March of 2006.

Still, the Department of Health has cited the restaurant for

1.) evidence of rodents
2.) live rodents
3.) rodents running and playing games amongst the food stuffs, and
4.) rodents who apparently were holding a gala event behind the fry cookers.

Also, insects and insects practicing unprotected sex next to the pickle jar and insects loitering and gathering near lights without a permit were cited in each of the past three years.

Spokeswoman Sara Markt said if there is an "imminent risk to health" - a "critical violation that can't be corrected" - closure could be a possibility, regardless of the potential negative impacts such an action might have on the rodent’s social calendars.

The Taco Bell chain suffered an enormous public relations setback last fall when dozens of people were sickened by E. coli bacteria, which the Center for Disease Control and Prevention traced back to the chain's supplier of lettuce. In even more startling news, the chain’s supplier of lettuce, as it turns out is a rodent.

The outbreak prompted the closure of many Taco Bell restaurants throughout the Northeast.

By File Boy

Cat and Girl Webcomic - Click to Enlarge

(Geek defined by Wikipedia, with comments)

A geek is an individual who is fascinated, perhaps obsessively, by obscure or very specific areas of knowledge and imagination, usually electronic or virtual in nature (but this likely includes weather fascination). Geek may not always have the same meaning as the term nerd. The Merriam-Webster definitions are

"1: a carnival performer often billed as a wild man whose act usually includes biting the head off a live chicken or snake (I like snakes and go out of my way to help them - take for instance my association with DTkon, for example).

2: a person often of an intellectual bent who is disliked (Well, I am disliked, but the "intellectual bent" part seems to be describing someone else)

3: an enthusiast or expert especially in a technological field or activity," (so if you enjoy or are enthused by activities, you're a geek? dang it. I like activities. I enjoy enthusiasm. I even get enthused on a daily basis. I wouldn't consider myself an expert in anything though, other than how to waste time. But then again, when I start to think about wasting time, I get all enthused over it and that puts me back to square one.)

by File Boy

Mummified Man Found In Front Of TV

Police Say Man Did The Mash, The Monster Mash

HAMPTON BAYS, N.Y. -- A man's body was found in his home more than a year after his death, with the television still on and his features preserved by dry conditions.

Vinnie Rupert, 75, apparently died of natural causes, according to Dr. Stuart Dawson, Suffolk County's deputy chief medical examiner. Southampton Town police found Rupert’s body this week when they responded to a report of burst pipes.

He was found in a chair in front of the television set, as though he were watching it. Rupert’s wife died years ago, and he lived alone.

The coroner said he hadn't been heard from in over a year, and nobody sounded the alarm.

Neighbor Dean Drysdale said residents at a gathering last month remarked that they hadn't seen him in some time, but didn't think to check on him.

Dr. Stuart Dawson went on to say “I was working in the lab late one night, When my eyes beheld an eerie sight, For my monster from his slab began to rise, And suddenly to my surprise… He did the mash (He did the monster mash), The monster mash (It was a graveyard smash ), He did the mash (It caught on in a flash), He did the mash (He did the monster mash).”

Dr. Dawson went on to say, “From my laboratory in the castle east, To the master bedroom where the vampires feast, The ghouls all came from their humble abodes, To get a jolt from my electrodes…They did the mash (They did the monster mash), The monster mash (It was a graveyard smash), They did the mash (It caught on in a flash), They did the mash (They did the monster mash).

Surprisingly, many neighbors were aware of the mash yet failed to alert officials to the graveyard smash at any time over the past year.

Beverly Billton, a neighbor of the late Mr. Rupert reported, “The zombies were having fun, The party had just begun, The guests included Wolf Man, Dracula and his son… The scene was rockin', all were digging the sounds, Igor on chains, backed by his baying hounds, The coffin-bangers were about to arrive, With their vocal group, "The Crypt-Kicker Five"… They played the mash (They played the monster mash), The monster mash (It was a graveyard smash), They played the mash (It caught on in a flash), They played the mash (They played the monster mash)”.

Beverly’s husband, Dusty later said, “Out from his coffin, Drac's voice did ring, Seems he was troubled by just one thing, He opened the lid and shook his fist, And said, "Whatever happened to my Transylvania twist?" …It's now the mash (It's now the monster mash), The monster mash (And it's a graveyard smash), It's now the mash (It's caught on in a flash), It's now the mash (It's now the monster mash)”.

Police sergeant Boris O’Neil said at the scene that “Now everything's cool, Drac's a part of the band , And my monster mash is the hit of the land, For you, the living, this mash was meant too, When you get to my door, tell them Boris sent you…Then you can mash (Then you can monster mash), The monster mash (And do my graveyard smash), Then you can mash (You'll catch on in a flash), Then you can mash (Then you can monster mash).

By File Boy

Talking Urinal Cakes Target Drunk Drivers; Drunk Drivers Target Cakes In Quid Pro Quo

DWI Message Played During Men's Last Pit Stop Before Driving

SANTA FE -- New Mexico has taken its fight against drunken driving to men's restrooms around the state.

The state has ordered 500 talking urinal cakes that will deliver a recorded anti-DWI message to bar and restaurant patrons who make one last pit stop before getting behind the wheel.

The top of the devices feature the state DWI slogan -- "You drink, you drive, you lose."

Some Albuquerque bars installed the devices this week.

And the state Transportation Department plans to distribute them to Santa Fe bars and restaurants as well as establishments in Farmington, Gallup and Las Cruces.

The state spent $21 for each talking urinal cake for the pilot program but will ask bars and restaurants to pay for future orders if the idea catches on. The cakes will become the second most expensive government-funded tinkle-target known; government-subsidized park benches at the R-line subway terminal in Philadelphia take top honors for this distinction.

The cakes have enough battery power to last about three months, or the equivalent of 3,640 tinkles at roughly 40 urination station visits per day.

When reached for comment on the pricey urinal cakes, the governor of New Mexico, Bill Richardson said, “We aim to please. You aim too, please”.

by File Boy

Frozen Cat Freed By Buckets Of Hot Water, Repeated Blows About Head With Mallet, Stiff Kicking By Boots, Rock Throwing, Then Re-Froze For “Hell Of It”

LOSANTVILLE, Ind. -- A cat found half-frozen in a water trough is recovering, but may lose his tail.

Melissa Jones said she found the cat Tuesday when she stepped onto her porch for a cigarette.

His tail and hind legs were stuck in about three inches of ice. She and her husband used buckets of hot water to free him.

The neighbors’ children saw the couple attempting to free the little kitty, and were quickly joining in. Instead of using hot water, they decided to kick the little bastard and throw shit at him, according to witnesses on the scene. One child even used a mallet to beat the cat senseless for a while.

"His little ears are droopy and purple and so are his little feet," Jones said, adding that his new nickname is "Droopy."

In the morning, she took the 7-month-old yellow and white tiger cat to a veterinarian, where he was given an antibiotic. The vet recommended a regimen of rock throwing at the little bastard for good measure.

In a surprising twist, the couple decided to just refreeze the little shit head, “for the hell of it”.

Jones said the family will probably keep the cat indoors from now on. In doors of their freezer. Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

by File Boy

An Experiment In Poor Taste

WELCOME STRANGER! If you’ve landed on this page as a result of your tastelss Google search for porn, politics, pissing and other unspeakable “p” words, then congratulations! You’ve arrived safely. Now click on the PayPal button and send me money! NO! Don’t Leave!!!! SEND MONEY!!!!! WAIT!!!!!!!!


CLICK HERE DAMN IT!!

Free Porn Hookers Free Sex Blow Jobs Ass Fucking Young Sex Bill Clinton Hillary Clinton 2008 Presidential Election Democrats Republicans George Bush Enron Nude Pictures Free Win Free Money Sex Contest Massage Strippers Whores Bitches Free Fucking Free Sucking Group Sex Nicole Simpson O.J. Simpson Brittany Spears Naked Sex Free Sex Videos Gay Porn Gay Sex Young Boys Free Teen Bestiality File Boy is a big fag! Just checking if you’re paying attention Dick Sucking Whore Fucking Cash For Sex Money For Sex Teen Blow Jobs Blacks On Blonds Blondes Horse Dick Anna Nicole Smith Death Baby Fiasco Howard K Stern Asswipe Free Money Turkey Hunter Monkey Sex Suicide Pictures Gory Pictures Dead Bodies Bomb Scares Viagra Free Gagging Money Laundering Mafia Boss Whale Hunting Tree Hugging NAMBLA Huge Cocks Victoria’s Secret Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Angelina Jolie Hot Babes Huge Tits

See this “empty” white space above? FB and I had a recent intellectual conversation (one of our many) about just what makes the blogsphere work – how do sites get hits and what generates them? Well, I proposed to FB that I try a little trick that might bring a little traffic this way. It’s sort of a secret little trick that you can use to imbed words likely to generate hits into your blog. I’ve done so above and am eagerly waiting for FB to let me know if it generated any unusual hit activity.
by d.tkon evil genius!

Well I left here at lunch to see if I could reconcile with Turkey Hunter, but I couldn't get past his guard dogs. Hopefully he and I can make amends.

-anonymous

"Anonymous" and "Turkey Hunter", two area g-ys, visit blog, leave insulting comments

Wilmington, DE - Earlier this afternoon two h-mos visited a local blog site, left quick comments calling blog authors "a__-holes" and other epithets, then went back to their g-y p-rn websites, which they have conveniently bookmarked on their computers.

It is unclear at this time whether they will return tomorrow to hurl additional insults, but you can be sure we will keep you posted on any developments as they become clear.

P.S. - Anonymous and Turkey Hunter, we don't have anything against the g-y community. In fact the editor of whyishootstuff actually owns a copy of one of Elton John's CDs. Please come back any time.

-the management

UPDATE: The Management has identified the two "tricksters" and will allow additional insulting in the name of good fun.

Bus Stop Buddy Needs Toon-up

Bus Stop Buddy, 54, was arrested earlier today in a West Kensington neighborhood adult theater, according to authorities.

Early this morning authorities were summoned to the Happy Fun Times Adult Theater on 8th and Monroe streets after receiving calls that a cartoon was diddling inside the theater.

According to court documents, Mr. Buddington, who is also known as “Bus Stop Buddy” on a local television program was arrested and held at the courthouse in lieu of $18,000 secured bond.

When reached for comment, a top executive at Fox 29 who wished to remain anonymous said, “We are deeply troubled by the allegations leveled at Mr. Buddy during the past 24 hours, and we look forward to resolving this matter in as quick a manner as is possible, under the circumstances. It is our hope that Mr. Buddy uses this opportunity to change his toon”.

Mr. Buddy did not appear during his normal segment this morning on the popular morning news show on Fox 29’s Good Day Philadelphia.

Sarasota Court: “Don’t take that Toon with me!”

Though born Benjamin Buddington in Poughkeepsie, NY, Bus Stop Buddy grew up in Palm Springs, FL, where his Italian-American parents owned a lamp store. During winters, The Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus called nearby Sarasota home, and young Buddy counted such big-top families as the Wallendas and the Acchinis among his neighbors. The circus sparked his interest in entertainment. When he was 11 years old, he joined the local Atombio Theater, and during the next six years, he appeared in a variety of plays. After graduating from Palm Springs High School in 1970, he attended Palm Springs Technical and Community College for one year before deciding to seek his fortune as “Bus Stop Buddy” first in Florida, where he enrolled as an acting major at the Florida Institute for performing arts and accepted a string of pay-the-rent jobs ranging from pizza chef to Maytag repairman.

On August 1, 1991, Buddy was arrested in Palm Springs, Florida for public obscenity. The news media went into a frenzy and the scandal marked the near-death of the character "Bus Stop Buddy," reducing both the actor and the persona to a ubiquitous punch line. Although the morning news program “Wake up and Shine, Florida!” had already contracted with another ridiculous cartoon named “Waiting for the Bus Wendy” by that time, Fox reacted by dropping its reruns from their lineup. Buddy made a deal with the Sarasota County court: in exchange for a fine and a few public service announcements, he was given a clean record. It was after this time that Buddy made his way onto Philadelphia television.

By File Boy

Any Questions?

by d.tkon

So tell me one more time why you live all the way out here?

That's the question I hear from most of my friends and relatives whenever they decide to come visit. My brother was down last weekend and his (carney-esque) girlfriend came down. Her question to my brother: "Why does he live all the way out in the boondocks, duhert?" (ok I added the "duhert")

In the spring and summer after working outside all day, its great to hop in the truck, pull the windows down, turn on some good driving music and go for a drive in the country. We like to see how many deer we can count on our drives. We stop if we see a turtle or snake and help it off the road. We always have a camera or two with us when we go. Most of the time we'll see something cool at the far end of a field (like an albino deer for example), take a picture of it and then we're disappointed when we get the film developed and see nothing more than a white dot off in the distance. We've talked about getting a zoom lens, but to date have yet to get one (price tag). I've also thought about getting a spotting scope (they mount to your window and you can get right in on whatever you're looking at).

Last fall (October maybe) we went for a ride and there were small bands of showers blowing through as an early season cold front was passing through the area. We stopped the truck on an abandoned country road and my girlfriend took these pictures. I'll just let the images express themselves.

(Above) I remember looking out over this field and thinking that it looked like a soft green blanket. You can see a sheet of raindrops in the distance making their way across this field.

This is a little forgotten lane in southern New Castle, there are no houses in any direction (rare in New Castle). Beautiful no matter which way you turn.

by File Boy

Turkeys?

Last week on my way in to work, at around 7:15 a.m. I saw what looked like a flock of turkeys about 200 yards off the road in a field owned by the state. I stopped the car and stared at them, wondering if they were actually turkeys.

Based on my conversations with the state forester near my area, I knew that turkeys had been released in the area in the mid-nineties, but that due to predation (foxes) and for other reasons, the flock had a very slow start at getting established.

Last year a friend of mine who lives only a few miles from me videotaped a flock walking through his yard. The video was proof of turkeys in the area. Over the past year or so I've seen a turkey here and a turkey there, but no flocks, and nothing that proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was a healthy population in the area (and that the single turkeys I'd seen weren't just passing through).

When I saw this flock last week I made a mental note of where they were and planned to go back over the weekend for a hike to see if I could locate any sign.

On Sunday my fiance and I went to that spot armed with cameras and a desire to prove that the turkeys are here. Oh and did I mention that I got picked to hunt turkeys in this area in the pre-season lottery? Yeah, so it wasn't totally a scientific desire for knowledge that led us there...

Anyway, we hiked out onto the frozen field and saw what might have been turkey scat (but could also have been goose droppings) but we saw nothing definitive out in the field. While walking we saw a ditch just inside the woods bordering the field. The ditch was filled with water which had frozen in most places completely down to the ground. We began hiking the ditch watching for any sign of frozen turkey tracks and BINGO! We found them.

Attached are some pics of this hike. I was also able to make note of the roosting area and will be able to intercept the flock come April when turkey season opens... Or at least that's the plan.

Above, frozen ditch leads to a flooded area interspersed with animal tracks (no human tracks to be seen, which is nice)

Evidence that a Beaver or two are around...

Are they what I think they are?! Turkey tracks!

Turkey highway!

Definitive turkey track

by File Boy

An Odor Runs Through It

Cerrillos, New Mexico

Porta Potties are only one step above coffins (as far as my reluctance to enter one goes). One needs to be beyond desperate. Life must hang in the balance. The choice to enter must truly be the lesser of two evils, and there’s nothing much worse than that (though I have a good story about a near disaster on the side of the highway, which I alluded to months ago in a post).

I wonder what we’d come up with if we solicited porta-potty horror stories? Ah heck, let’s not wonder, I’ll just go first. I was on vacation in New Mexico last year. We were day tripping and had stopped in Cerrillos (pr. sir-REE-yos) which is an old mining town where they shoot western movies from time to time. The town was cool but very old. – (Skipping to the good part now) Keep in mind, a New Mexico trip means overdosing on Mexican food 24/7 Ok? Anyway, nature calls – with a bullhorn – we’re in a spot where you’d have about as much of a chance finding a public toilet as you would finding an espresso.

I say to the storekeeper selling faux Indian arrowheads and rattlesnake skins, who looks like trapper-Dan with no teeth, “Um, do you have a toilet? I gotta go!”

Storekeeper spits into the spittoon and waves his thumb towards the wall behind him. “Gotta go out back. There’s an outhouse in the yard at the end of the store. Gotta go through the little gate, an make sure ya close it good. Don’t let m’dog out. An don’t worry, she won’t bite cha, she’s real friendly! She loves people!”

Me: “Thanks!”

I do that funny walk you do (which needs no further description) out to the gate and stop staring horrified! The back yard is a junkyard that you’d have to be insane to cross. I’m calculating the odds of me getting to the pot alive vs. being crushed by scrap metal that decides it’s time to fall over. The toilet is at the far end of the yard, and there’s a skinny Doberman that clearly hasn’t eaten in months (which is about to change I fear). This is my brain talking now – “Shit your pants or get eaten by a dog. Shit your pants or get eaten by a dog.” And now I hear toothless in my head “She’s real friendly!”

I open the gate gingerly and step inside and am immediately overwhelmed by the smell of dog-shit. It’s a hundred-fucking-degrees and I’m retching on the smell of crap, which is further stimulating my bowels – the gurgling has started. This is my brain again “You’re going to shit your pants AND get eaten by a dog!” I do a quick frog-march double-time through the junk-yard, avoiding piles of dog-shit like land-mines and approach the outhouse without having aroused the attention of the Doberman. Perhaps it’s the heat – she’s resting under the back of a rusted out pick-up truck and is clearly watching me. This is my brain again, “Well at least if you have an accident, nobody will notice. Christ you could die in here an nobody would notice!” I stop eight feet from the outhouse and panic, because now I can smell it over the stench of the dog-shit, and I’m scared – scared that I’ll go inside, reach the no turning back point and discover that in Cerrillos, it’s BYOTP. My bowels are urging me forward. My gut is threatening and now I’m sweating bullets, as last night’s double burrito with green chilies and a healthy side of refried beans demands acknowledgment.

I have to stop walking and wait, as a wave of cramps passes through me. I hold onto the top of an old washing machine for support as I fight the pressure within. I curse myself for not having taken care of business at the last rest stop and earnestly begin negotiations with Satan. This is my brain again, “Dear dark father of the underworld and all that is evil, I apologize for everything! Please get me out of this fucking junk-yard with clean underwear! I know I’ve promised you my soul a million times before but this time I abso-fucking-lutely mean it!” A wave of nausea confirms that Satan isn’t taking requests today. After the wave passes I tip-toe with my knees locked tightly together the rest of the way to the chamber of death.

I draw a ridiculously deep breath and tug open the rusted door. Oh I’m sorry, did I call it a door? Ha ha ha ha ha! Silly me! It’s not a door! It’s just a rusted out piece of sheet metal that’s magically attached on one side by something hinge-like that breaks every law of physics. It’s more like a sideways man-hole cover than a door. Anyway, I open the door (At this point you have to insert the shrieking violins from the Psycho bathroom scene where Janet Leigh buys it in the shower) – My jaw is resting on my shoe. My world no longer makes sense. If I could talk, I’d speak in tongues.

I hear it first – the sound of a million flies buzzing impossibly in my head – then I see it – the swarm. A dark shimmering fucking swarm of flies so thick you can’t see to the back of the stall. They rise up demonically out of the toilet – out of the hole underneath what I assume is supposed to be the toilet - and descend upon me. At the same time I feel it – the heat – it’s a million fucking degrees in this shit-hole and it’s unbearable! It must be 150 degrees in there. Clearly, this is the portal to hell itself! Had I not been somewhat desensitized by the overwhelming smell of the dog-shit during my trek to the can, I surely would have either vomited or died upon smelling what I was now smelling (though vomiting or dying was still a very good idea!)

The sheer number of flies accompanied by the unearthly buzzing sound left me frozen still and horrified. Unexplainably, my eyes darted around to see if there was any toilet paper inside (as if going in there and squatting over the gates of hell was even an option still!). There was a roll. It was on the floor. And it was vile. There was no way it was going to happen here, in this place, with the stench and the flies for company.

Perhaps it was shock and horror that caused the call of nature to retreat; perhaps Satan got my message after all! But for no clear reason, the urge – the need – the potty emergency had passed, completely! I’d been spared. I was going to live! I was going to get out of that god-forsaken-shit-hole in one piece and not covered in shit.

I turned around and there was the Doberman. Her nose was less than an inch from my crotch. I drew in a sharp breath, but before I could pet her or say “Nice doggie!” she drove her nose into my groin with a surprising amount of force and made a snorting sound. Then she abruptly lifted her snout up and into my groin even harder. I winced and reflexively drove my palms down to block her from doing that again. That’s when I noticed it. The dog was filthy. Not just filthy, covered in shit. I’d had enough. I turned around quickly and tap-danced my way though the dog shit minefield back to the “safe” side of the gate – the friendly shit-encrusted Doberman hot on my tail the entire way.

Yes, I made it out alive. But at what cost? I constantly worry now that one day Satan will show up to enforce the contract. Luckily, I know a couple of good lawyers.

by d.tkon

25-Year-Old Man Hit By Stray Bullet

PHILADELPHIA -- A 25-year-old man was in stable condition after he walked out of a house and into the path of a stray bullet around 1 a.m. Thursday, according to police.

As the victim walked out of a home on the 4800 block of Frankfort Street, a stray struck him in the shin. The victim was later taken to Einstein Hospital in Philadelphia to have the stray removed from his leg.

Many strays and their mischievous antics have become a steady problem for Philadelphians.

"Bullets are curious and will tend to venture off from time to time. However, keeping a watchful eye on your bullet can cut back on some of the wandering," said Dr. Thomas Lenarduzzi, professor of ballistics medicine at Mississippi State University. "Owning a bullet is a big responsibility for residents in the city and in rural areas, and bullet owners need to be prepared."

Stray bullets have been implicated in most if not all of the city’s 35 homicides in 2007.

A recent incident occurred in the Olney section of the city where a pack of strays is believed to have been involved in the killing of 3 masked men who were attempting to rob a liquor store owner at knife point. The liquor store owner let the strays loose on the would-be robbers, according to reports.

Experts say one way to keep your bullets from wandering and to avoid unwanted bullets is to get your bullet spayed or neutered.

"If your bullet is spayed or neutered they are less likely to have the urge to run off. Spaying and neutering your bullet also provides a better alternative to the overpopulation of unwanted bullets.

If you do not want your clip's litter of new bullets, do not assume that dumping them in the wild is the best thing for them. Most bullets dumped in the country will starve, be run over by automobiles, or be eaten by wild animals," Lenarduzzi said.

Police said an option that is always available for individuals with unwanted bullets is the Humane Society which accepts strays and provides them with food and shelter for as long as possible.

By File Boy

Fas!

Maybe its a south of the canal thing in Delaware, maybe not, I don't know, but there's a gas station down there that serves chicken and wing dings. Its called FasMart.

In keeping with the spirit of their product offering and service platform, I have developed an ad for this chain, and will attach it here for your perusal. If you've ever been to FasMart (aka Shore Stop), let me know if you think I've captured it.

Click on image to enlarge

by File Boy

File Room Worker Crushed

By Avalanche Of Rubber Bands

Wilmington Del (AP) – In what authorities are describing as freak accident, 34 year-old office worker, Duane Cummings was apparently crushed to death on Tuesday by an avalanche of rubber bands, which rained down upon him for 15 minutes before letting up. Witnesses say that Cummings’ ghastly screams for help could be heard for a full ten minutes before he succumbed to the effects of the onslaught. Authorities were initially baffled by the incident and were unable to explain how the progressive buildup of rubber bands eventually killed Cummings. It was thought that the weight of the avalanche was insufficient to actually crush Cummings or stop his breathing. However, medical and toxicology studies revealed that Cummings was latex intolerant and succumbed to anaphylactic shock as a result of Cummings’ coming in contact with the rubber bands.

The investigation continues into how the rubber bands came to be piled up in such a large quantity, at such a great height and apparently so far from where the rubber bands are usually stored. Unnamed sources who worked with Cummings suggest that the rubber bands had somehow piled up on top of a seven foot high filing cabinet before becoming dislodged by attempted filing activities below. Cummings was reportedly attempting to climb to an upper shelf to return a rarely-used file and was using a lower shelf as a step stool. Joey Canola, a filing and office supply expert with the University of Pennsylvania, suggests that Cummings may have used his right hand to grab the very top of the cabinet. “I think he grabbed the top of the cabinet with his right hand.” said Canola. “I think that, no I’m sure that the pile of rubber bands must have been up there for a very long time.”

Canola apparently ran a plasticizer analysis on a sampling of the rubber bands and was stunned by his findings. According to Canola, his theory is that the rubber bands slowly accumulated on top of the filing cabinet over a period of not weeks or months, but years! “Da plasticizer test don’t lie.” said Canola. Latex contains a chemical called plasticizer, which gives latex its soft rubbery feel. The plasticizer evaporates over time and at very regular and measurable intervals. “The less plasticizer, the older the rubber.” Said Canola. “What we found here was very interesting. We took samples of rubber bands covering Cummings. The ones closest to Cummings’ body had the highest plasticizer levels. They’re the ones that would have been on top of the pile and the first to fall on him.” Said Canola. “The ones farthest from the body were the oldest. They had the lowest plasticizer levels. The ones in-between had varying levels depending on how close they were to the body.” Canola said, “This is the strangest thing I’ve ever seen! I ain’t never seen nuttin as weird as this before.”

Authorities remained baffled as to how the rubber bands got on top of the filing cabinet in such mind boggling quantities in the first place. The incident took place in the file room of a large Wilmington law firm. The file room is usually staffed by one to three file room employees and there is always at least one employee in the file room at all times. Mary W. (who wishes to remain anonymous) said that she had no idea how the rubber bands got up there. “There’s always someone in here. If someone put them up there, I would have seen it! There’s just no way you can put three million rubber bands on top of a filing cabinet behind my back.” Said W. The investigation continues. Authorities are compiling a list of all former file room employees for questioning. As an aside, Canoloa added, “Had those rubber bands been used to make a giant rubber band ball, it clearly would have been the largest rubber band ball ever constructed.”

by d.tkon

Clinto's True Identity Revealed in Painting? Startling New Evidence Found

by File Boy

Pat Benatar's Love is a Battlefield

Click on image to enlarge.

Tig Old Bitties

So last night my fiance was telling me booby that the blog has too many “bad words” in it. She was bitching at me about it saying that someone’s always gotta throw vagina bad words in. She said she thinks some of the bloggers here have some sort of fixation titties with bad words. “I don’t know dang about that” I argued.

Then she started mocking us. She was all, “Hey everyone, let’s get on the blog and write dirty jokes about stuff”. Then she was like, “Oh and then Dtkon will totally suck your d_ck and say what you wrote was all funny and sh_t”. Then you’ll write back to D and be all like, “Hey thanks I’m great I know it”.

My opinion damnation is that she needs to try and shitface lighten up a little. I’m not saying swearing and vulgarity asswipe is always a good thing. Quite the contrary, I think vibrator that vulgarity is best when peppered in for good effect. No need to cock meat overdo it.

In conclusion, I told nipple her that I would do my best testicles to limit that sort of thing here on the blog. Besides, even if bad words do increase your manhood the amount of hits we register in the “Pricfor” counter, if we have to resort to indecency filthy degrading to women titty bar penis to get it, it isn’t crap worth it.

Nude pics of Lindsey Lohan naked strip tease beer alcohol Paris Hilton model wardrobe malfunction suck me beautiful

by File Boy

Hilary Rodham Clinto

Is it any coincidence that each of the above names has 6 letters? 666 anyone? I can’t believe you people don’t see what’s about to happen. Clearly the anti-christ has now made her move, and whether Mrs. Clinto is satan’s prophet the anti-christ, the fabled “beast” or the Harlot of Babylon herself, it is too early to tell.

I just can’t believe the entire world has left it to me to break this story. People, seriously. Now we need to be thinking about what we’re going to do after her initial 3.5 years of good and plenty. I think when the second half of this period starts, I don’t want to be here to see it! A day’s labor for a cup of wheat? No thanks.

Ok, maybe I’m getting a little overexcited, but you know what? The republicans have left this presidency wide open for any challengers. I think absent a miracle on the Republican’s part, whoever wins the democratic nomination will be our next president.

I hate to resort to this, but people, we need to continue our string of male presidents. A woman can’t handle all of the stuff you need to do as a president. And there’s a lot of stuff. Think about it. The red button? The red phone? Nukes people. Nukes. There’s the epidemic of avian influenza. A woman can’t handle that. What are we going to do? Walk into the white house and ask mommy president to patch us up with a little penicillin? I doubt she’ll even have any.

It’s not like she can even cure cancer. What if you are walking down the street and you come down with cancer? You didn’t think of that, did you? Now what? “Oh, we have Hilary Rodham Clinto in the white house. I’m sure she can protect us.” But then when you get there you find out it’s the Beast. Now what are you going to do? And then the Beast is all like, “Ha ha, you have fallen into my trap. Now I’m going to eat you.” Don’t come crying to the Republicans because we’re going to be busy in Heaven.

Besides, we have a pretty good thing going now, don’t we? I mean, aside from whatever propaganda the extremist left forces down our throats during the nightly news. We all know it’s those commi-pinko-leftists who own the news corporations anyway.

All I’m saying is just think before you vote. If it smells like a satan, walks like a satan and talks like a satan…

By File Boy

Man And Coffee Table Have Unfortunate Collision

Townsend, DE – A boulder? A large piece of wood with nails sticking out of it? A sharp piece of metal with a hornet’s nest attached? A set of punji sticks with poison tips?

A Delaware man thought one of those had come into contact with his knee and knocked him onto his back with no apparent warning while walking through the den last night.

But it was none of the above. A coffee table which had not been moved recently seemed to almost jump out and whack the man in his knee when he tried to walk past it last night. The man fell backwards in agonizing pain, swearing profusely and grasping his bruised knee. While writhing in pain the man looked over at the table to see if it had swung a bat into his knee, but there was no evidence of any bats, hornets nests or punji sticks.

The coffee table was not harmed, although the man reports a mind-numbing soreness today. A soreness which seems to continue to increase as this boring day plods on and on…

Jeez this really hurts.

Seriously. I can barely take much more of it. Er, uh… the man was quoted as saying later.

by File Boy

...and now File Boy presents

his masterpiece....

a work he calls: "Hillary Clinton, 'I'm in'"

click on image to enlarge

So where is the snow?

There's a chance for a dusting to an inch tonight, then there's another chance (small chance) of an inch this weekend. The next big chance of some snow will be around Valentine's Day, and then there are a few more chances beyond that (like around the 17th). It looks to be cold for at least the first three weeks of February, and the ocean temps are now around freezing (some near-shore buoys reporting 31 degrees). So everything seems to be in place, we just need some moisture.

As of today, we are actually too cold for snow. It is so cold out, and the arctic high pressure dome of cold air so powerful, that all warm moisture-laden air is being suppressed down south. So, we actually need to get some of that warmer moister air up here in order for us to get any decent snows. The good news though is that for any coastal low that develops in the coming weeks, the typical "warmer ocean influence" that often causes our snows to mix with sleet and change over to rain will be less likely to occur, or at least limited more to the coastal areas.

So, its cold out. Very cold. But it could be worse. Much worse. The picture above was taken yesterday from the observation deck of the Mount Washington Observatory. How cold is it there? Today they are under a wind chill warning for wind chills 50-80 below zero. The high temp today will be about -10 to -20. Current temp up there is -17.2 degrees F. Winds this hour are 85.6 mph, gusting to 101.3 mph producing a current wind chill of -62.5 degrees F. Talk about too cold to snow!

(Click Photo to Enlarge!!)

Pork - The Other White Meat

Yo! Who you callin "White Meat?"

These scientific poster boards had to be recalled due to printer errors. Click to enlarge and see how many errors you can find!

by d.tkon

Mangle Mouthed Muts Survive Surgery

HUNTINGTON, N.Y. -- Two puppies born with cleft palates have had their first corrective surgeries and are said to be doing well.

The puppies, named “Magic” and “Merlin”, are about three months old. Because of their cleft palates, they were ugly. Very sad and ugly. Their barks were muffled garbage that witnesses reported as “more of a marbly ‘Borph, borph’ than a ‘Bark, bark’”.

They were “rescued” from a New York City shelter and taken to the Little Shelter Animal Adoption Center on Long Island, although, employees at the Little Shelter Animal Adoption Center aren’t sure why.

“I don’t even want to look at the little freaks” said Dr. Loyale, a physician at the Shelter.

A woman who volunteered at the Little Shelter when she was a teenager performed the surgery for free. Despite having no experience in performing surgery, she reported that the surgery went well and that the puppies are receiving pain medication and are wearing medical collars so they won't scratch their ugly mouths.

They're being fed through a tube, a twisted little tube, but the woman said they should be able to mangle food on their own soon.

They're expected to need more operations to completely repair their palates, but they will always be ugly. In fact, experts caution would-be adopters that they may grow more ugly once they outgrow the typically cuter “puppy phase”.

By File Boy

Photo of Mr. Wilks, pondering where he "went wrong"

Jason Wilks Unveils Plan to Hit the Pavement, Starting Next Week

In what has been touted as an answer to all of “mom’s bitching”, Jason announced yesterday that he’s really going to “get out there and hit the pavement” and get a job, “starting next week”.

Tired of all of the jokes at his expense, and everyone shitting on his dreams, Jason announced his plans yesterday during a screaming match at his parent’s home.

“We were laughing at him, not because we wanted to hurt his feelings, but because he was telling us that he wouldn’t ever buy one of the new Hummer vehicles because they were too big” his older brother said. “As if he could ever afford one” he went on to say.

Jason’s family has recently decided not to veil their jokes about him, and instead has opted to tell them in front of him, in a way they hope will prod him into action. Action that to date, seems lacking in Jason’s life.

“When I became a man, I joined the army” his father said after the incident. “When my son became a man, he lost his job at Blockbuster” he went on to say, with a noticeable quiver in his voice.

Jason has recently worked on his resume in order to bolster his chances in the job market, but so far there are no bites.

“1995-1998 – Seasonal job at H.T. Coles Amusements” and “1999—McDonalds, Pathmark, Knotts bus service, and Picker at Bucchi Analytical Warehouse” have yet to pique the interest of local employers, but he hasn’t given up hope.

“I lost that job because the Japanese bought out the company” he said when asked about his Bucchi Analytical ‘picker’ job.

At the time of this writing, the details of Jason's job search plan had yet to be fully revealed to his family.

By File Boy

Alaska Man Rides Mower To Virginia

Alaska Man Retarded, America Decides

GARDEN CITY, Utah -- Paul Woods admits he's "pretty weird."

America: “Not weird, more retarded we think.”

He's driving a riding mower across the country, with his dog Yoda along for the ride.

America: “Yoda? Are you kidding me? Are you queer or something?”

Woods said he left Alaska in 2005 and is bound for Virginia, where his late mother left him a house.

The Herald Journal of Logan, Utah, caught up with Woods about 100 miles north of Salt Lake City.

America: “Caught up with him? I mean, he was going like 10, right? So you could just walk up to this retard, couldn’t you?”

In theory, the mower can do about 15 miles per hour, but Woods said he's loaded down with tools, snacks, and his dog. Woods adds that he spends more time fixing the thing than riding it.

America: “In theory, you have a right to be retarded, in theory. In theory, we shouldn’t try to hit your riding mower with our cars, in theory.”

By File Boy

Officers Cleared After Shooting Batman 11 Times

Wilmington, DE – New Castle County District Attorney Deidre Greyson said the two Wilmington police officers who shot batman during a confrontation were justified in shooting him.

"It was necessary to protect themselves and other civilians," Greyson said.

Bruce Wayne, 74, was shot 11 times as he charged at officers standing on an apartment stairway.

They said Batman also disregarded their orders to stop and put down his utility belt, police said.

“Since the murder of my parents by dastardly criminals, violence has been anathema to me" Mr. Wayne was reported to have shouted as he hurled plastic, Mattel Batman figurines at the officers.

Ignoring shouts from the officers, Batman went on to say, “I don't like having to resort to such mendacity."

Witnesses at the scene report that a struggle ensued, during which time Batman called out, "The good works of my Wayne Foundation require that I stay above the brawl of politics."

Nevertheless, a brawl ensued, and the result was shots fired on a confused and disoriented Batman, police say.

Reports from the scene indicate that Batman did not die at the scene of the shooting and was brought under control with real utility belts, which included tasers, handcuffs and pepper spray.

However after being arrested, Batman was taken to Chester Crozer Hospital, where he was pronounced dead upon arrival. At the urging of his family, Batman was transferred to Christiana Hospital where his condition was upgraded to serious but stable.

A Fallen Star

Last year Batman was arrested on similar charges, and appeared in court for disorderly conduct. During that incident, which occurred last September, Batman waived his right to a preliminary hearing and was remanded to Gander Hill Prison in lieu of $750,000 bail.

According to court records, Alfred, a longtime associate of Batman arrived at the courthouse shortly after Batman’s arrest. "Congratulations, Alfred. Your keen sartorial sense has done it again", Batman was reported to have said at that time.

Court documents indicate that Alfred arrived after receiving some sort of message from Batman, though it is unclear what that message was, or how it was sent. Those records indicate that at that time Alfred said, "I came as soon as I received your morse bat-code message. It was really most propitious that I happened to be dusting the Batcave when you sent it." Batman replied, "I counted on your love for your work."

Shortly after Alfred’s arrival in court, he was arrested for causing a disturbance. The nature of this disturbance also is not clear, however eye-witnesses report Alfred saying, "Dinner time, sir” just before it began.

“He then wheeled in a little cart with a roast duck and all kinds of food on it” said Vicky Long, a bailiff at the court. “Batman then said something like, ‘A peanut butter and water crest sandwich and a glass of milk would have been sufficient enough, Alfred.’”

When court officers seized the roast duck with mango salsa, Alfred began to attack them, demanding they unhand him. He was brought under control almost immediately, and was then placed under arrest.

Batman was a noteworthy crime fighter during the 1960s and 1970s, however his popularity was short-lived, and his fame faded during the 1980s. Some critics feel this drop in fame lead to his eventual arrest in 1988 for disorderly conduct, and his 1989 arrest for being drunk in public.

When Batman was sent to prison following a DUI arrest during the early 1990s, many felt that his crime fighting days were over.

by File Boy