Nightmares? Be Honest About Monsters Under Your Bed
Monsters Harm Children
Younger patients with symptoms of recurring nightmares should be asked if they have monsters under their beds, which can cause nightmarish symptoms, the American Monster Association warns doctors.
For these patients, honesty can be a matter of life or death: Some nightmares are actually waking experiences caused by real live monsters under the bed. Misdiagnosed monster attacks, while rare, can lead to full-blown monster mayhem, if left untreated.
New guidelines published online Monday in the American Monster Association journal say that parents of sufferers as well as emergency room doctors need to be aware that symptoms of a monster attack in younger patients with no history of nightmares, night terrors, or the less common, nighttime monster freak out (“ntmfo”) may be caused by the monsters under their beds.
Monsters may cause chest pain, shortness of breath, anxiety, reluctance to use the potty after dark resulting in bed wetting and bed pooping, palpitations, dizziness, nausea, bed sheet tent making, pillow fortress building and heavy sweating -- all symptoms of a monster attack.
Common Sugar Monster - (Saccharinus Horribilus) - Usually shows up after borthday parties. Enjoys crumbs from cookies, especially high-sugar content cookies, like sugar cookies and oreos. Children should be advised not to take sugar or sweets to bed. Sugar Monster will tickle toes and ask for sugar repeatedly throughout night. WARNING: Do not feed sugar to sugar monster, that will only encourage him.
"Not knowing what you are dealing with and giving the wrong therapies could mean death rather than benefit," said Dr. Sheri Asswart, professor of clinical medicine at Columbia University Medical Center/New York Presbyterian Hospital.
The number of Monster-related users visiting ERs rose 47 percent from 1995 to 2002, increasing from 11 to 19, according to the government's Monster Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.
The statement says that since most monster-associated chest pain isn't a heart attack, such patients should be monitored instead of being admitted to the hospital. They would have an electrocardiogram and other tests to rule out a heart attack.
"If you admit everyone to the hospital with chest pain, you use valuable resources," said Asswart.
Two typical heart attack treatments can be dangerous to those suffering from monster attacks:
· Clot-busting drugs carry an extra risk of bleeding into the brain in patients whose blood pressure is high due to monster worry.
· Betablockers that can lower blood pressure without constricting arteries in typical heart attack patients have the opposite effect in monster sufferers, raising blood pressure and squeezing narrowed arteries (narrowed during recent monster strangulation attacks).
Asswart said that the monster counseling available in observation units varies among hospitals, and that more could be done to improve the counseling monster-attacked patients get.
"I think an ideal scenario would be someone whose job is to talk to them about this – listen to them explain the extent of their monster infestation, give them information about resources to help them live with monsters until they are old enough to realize the real monster is your spouse lying next to you," Asswart said.
fileboy
Monsters Harm Children
Younger patients with symptoms of recurring nightmares should be asked if they have monsters under their beds, which can cause nightmarish symptoms, the American Monster Association warns doctors.
For these patients, honesty can be a matter of life or death: Some nightmares are actually waking experiences caused by real live monsters under the bed. Misdiagnosed monster attacks, while rare, can lead to full-blown monster mayhem, if left untreated.
New guidelines published online Monday in the American Monster Association journal say that parents of sufferers as well as emergency room doctors need to be aware that symptoms of a monster attack in younger patients with no history of nightmares, night terrors, or the less common, nighttime monster freak out (“ntmfo”) may be caused by the monsters under their beds.
Monsters may cause chest pain, shortness of breath, anxiety, reluctance to use the potty after dark resulting in bed wetting and bed pooping, palpitations, dizziness, nausea, bed sheet tent making, pillow fortress building and heavy sweating -- all symptoms of a monster attack.
Common Sugar Monster - (Saccharinus Horribilus) - Usually shows up after borthday parties. Enjoys crumbs from cookies, especially high-sugar content cookies, like sugar cookies and oreos. Children should be advised not to take sugar or sweets to bed. Sugar Monster will tickle toes and ask for sugar repeatedly throughout night. WARNING: Do not feed sugar to sugar monster, that will only encourage him."Not knowing what you are dealing with and giving the wrong therapies could mean death rather than benefit," said Dr. Sheri Asswart, professor of clinical medicine at Columbia University Medical Center/New York Presbyterian Hospital.
The number of Monster-related users visiting ERs rose 47 percent from 1995 to 2002, increasing from 11 to 19, according to the government's Monster Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.
The statement says that since most monster-associated chest pain isn't a heart attack, such patients should be monitored instead of being admitted to the hospital. They would have an electrocardiogram and other tests to rule out a heart attack.
"If you admit everyone to the hospital with chest pain, you use valuable resources," said Asswart.
Two typical heart attack treatments can be dangerous to those suffering from monster attacks:
· Clot-busting drugs carry an extra risk of bleeding into the brain in patients whose blood pressure is high due to monster worry.
· Betablockers that can lower blood pressure without constricting arteries in typical heart attack patients have the opposite effect in monster sufferers, raising blood pressure and squeezing narrowed arteries (narrowed during recent monster strangulation attacks).
Asswart said that the monster counseling available in observation units varies among hospitals, and that more could be done to improve the counseling monster-attacked patients get.
"I think an ideal scenario would be someone whose job is to talk to them about this – listen to them explain the extent of their monster infestation, give them information about resources to help them live with monsters until they are old enough to realize the real monster is your spouse lying next to you," Asswart said.
fileboy
posted by File Boy & D.Tkon at 12:12 PM
5 Comments:
See, this is one of those subjects I’m very passionate about. Why? Because it totally implicates welfare and joblessness. One of my biggest pet peeves is sloth, laziness, and a non-christian/jewish work ethic.
What we have here are kids suffering all kinds of ailments and psychological problems because their monster problems are going unaddressed. They’re getting sick and perpetuating a drain on the health care profession and society as a whole. I just read an article last week that said the mis-diagnosed monster problem is a seven figure crisis.
I think that we could require unemployed welfare recipients to work the night shift and sit in kids rooms and watch out for monsters. This way, society gets something back in return for the handout. Also, the monster-sitter-welfare-recipients should have to walk from their homes to the kids homes and pick up all of the trash along the way. They already have to make the trip, just mail them a couple of trash bags with their check and they’ll be on their way. In fact, they should have to turn in full bags of trash in order to get their checks.
Right?
Makes sense to me. 7-figure crisis?! Holy shit, its really gotten out of hand.
The only problem is see with your proposal is the trash showing up at kids' houses. I'm sure the dirty and undereducated welfare recipient will forget his bag of trash at the kid's house and then the parents will have to throw it out for the stupid indigent vagabonds. Good-for-nothing drains on society. Either that or they'll spend all night going through the trash looking for carboard boxes instead of keeping alert to monster activity. Shit for brains impoverished. I know you know what I'm talkin' about!
I like your reference to the "christian/jewish work ethic". I'm sure I speak for all Christians all the time, but specifically right now when I thank you for the kind reference to our high work ethic. Christians work hard. Really hard. We never mess around on the computer typing bullshit into blogs to entertain our jewish friends, that's for damn sure.
The thing about kids and monsters is that they bring this shit on themselves. Whenever I see a kid sobbing about a monster attack I slap him in the face and tell him to stop taking cookies to bed (you little pussy).
I was terrified of monsters as a kid. I had to have all my stuff in its place before I went to bed. No shirts on chairs, closet door closed, everything put away - otherwise, it looked like a monster. I also slept with a nightlight until . . . well, for a very long time. Eventually, my wife complained about the nightlight so I had to give that up. I used to sleep with a pillow over my head and then in the morning I'd wake up all soggy and sweaty. I think you know what I'm talking about.
Everyone has some kind of pseudo-ailment these days. Monsters, post-trauma, bipolar, depression, psychosis, eating disorders... it's all bullshit. It's pathetic people looking for attention. You don't see people in third-world countries with "bipolar" or "depression" or, and most certainly not "eating disorders." They're barely hanging on. They don't want talk-therapy or an anti-depressant. They want food. Americans are "suffering" all of this crap because we're pathetic, self-pitying, self-righteous, wannabe martyrs.
We need to step up! Garbage for welfare is the first step. Think how nice our streets would become if all of the poor pagan children had to pick up trash. This could inspire a true work ethic.
We need to overcome! We can't face another dramatic increase like the 47% we've seen in the past. 11 to 19? Astonishing. Unacceptable. The next thing you know they'll want government mandated healthcare that the working class will be paying for(because the gov't has been Soooooooo successful with ALL of the other programs they've taken over, right?)
We need to face our fears! However, I wholeheartedly disagree with the author's suggestion for treatment. Talk-therapy! Ha! We need to stare down our fears in order to overcome them. I used to babysit almost every weekend. At bedtime, right after I tucked them in at night, I would turn off the light and almost shut the door. Then I would abruptly whip open the door again and flick the light back on. When they looked up at me startled, I'd say, "I'm sorry, I thought I saw a Whisper Moster under the bed. I'm sure it was nothing. Anyway, even if it is there, as long as you don't make a sound or get out of bed- it can't hurt you." Then I'd smile reassuringly, turn off the light and quickly leave. They never got up. Only about 10% of the children actually HAD the Whisper Monster under their beds, but I like to think that I've helped all of these children face their fears and grow up to be more productive members of society. They were able to look the monster in the eye and stare it down. Probably breathless in wide-eyed terror while sitting in a lukewarm pool their own urine, but nonetheless...
(Sadly) My mom used to tell my brother and I that she was in fact a witch. She said she could hover on her broom outside our windows at night and watch us to make sure we stayed in bed. Of course this made for strange feelings within me when I reached the age of 13 and began to find myself irresistable. But luckily I had blinds on my windows so I don't think she ever saw in.
As a child I was scared to death every night when I went to bed. It wasn't so much "monsters" that scared me as the thought of my 93 year old, recently departed great grandmother who died a wrinkly death when I was 3. She was scary looking and all I could think about was her hands reaching up from under my bed and touching my feet. I don't know why she'd want to touch my feet, presumably because they were so soft compared to her wrinkled and veiny knuckles. I had to tuck my blanket under my feet and keep my head under the blanket so I wouldn't see her or have her hands touch me. I think the other thing that traumatized me was my family's belief in angels and demons. Every sunday the sermon had to do with demon possession and satan and of course angels. So I prayed that the angels would watch over me, but I was pretty sure the demons could beat the angels since they looked more menacing (in my mind). I also often listened to the Muppet Movie soundtrack on my record player, and later to Nicodemus and Gospel Bill tapes to soothe my mind and put me to sleep.
When I became older I realized that by putting a box fan next to the bed and tucking three sides of the sheet under the mattress I could have a tent that usually lasted most of the chilly, windy night. Not sure what the tent did for me, but I was able to finally get some sleep.
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