Amerika, Glorious Republic of Islam

I’m a little concerned at the direction of our country with regard to our leading presidential hopefuls. I won’t mention the fact that we have a woman, a Muslim and a Mormon as front-runners right now. At the request of our lone faithful reader, I will outline what your thoughts should be concerning some of the candidates I can think of before my 10 o’clock staff meeting.

There is an alarming number of radical, leftist, hand-wringing, bleeding-heart demoncrats running for their party’s endorsement to become a candidate for presidency. Conversely, the number of Republican candidates who exhibit our brand of good old-fashioned, fundamentalist, neo-fascist, conservativism are dwindling. And it’s not as though we don’t have the number of candidates the demoncrats have. It’s that our candidates are wishy-washy, and many make no attempt to court the vast 8% “core” of Americans who share our far-flung brand of crack pot ideology.

We have Mitt Romney. He seems like a nice, clean-cut fundamentalist, but he isn’t even a Christian! How in the world are we going to vote for a goddamn* mormon? Do you know what they believe? They think some guy named Joseph Smith found some invisible tablets that had stuff written on them, and that you could only see these ridiculous tablets if you were wearing some sort of fancy invisible glasses. JESUS CHRIST, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.* If you can’t see the reality of Christianity then maybe you need some new “magic” glasses. I’m sure if you put them on, you’d see all of the animals on the planet marching onto Noah’s ark that has been proven scientifically to not be able to withhold its own weight without steel reinforcements, and you’d see these animals loading onto the ark at a rate of 50 animals per second for a week straight, which is how fast it would have to happen in order to load a pair of all of the animals on the planet into an ark in one week’s time. They’d all be be cramming their arses onto the fecking ark so they could sail off to some other country that hasn’t cast itself down into the abyss by turning its back on God and electing some mormon dingbat. Plus his name is mitt, which reminds me of hand protection for baseball throwing and hot dish handling.

We have Obama. Now there’s a guy who seems likeable, despite his parents naming him after some crazy ass Islamic hero or something even though they (mother and child) lived in the U.S. of fecking A. Why don’t you take your mosquey, turbon-headed self back to Afgackarack or wherever your people live and enjoy the beheadings over there.

Then we have Huckabee. Vote for him.

We have Fred Thompson, who seems to have all of the necessary stuffed-shirty goodness any over-the-hill candidate should have, but I just don’t know enough about him. And that may be his undoing. He is not energetic. And he’s kind of old. Plus his name is Fred. I can’t vote for “Fred”. I’m sorry, it isn’t presidential enough.

We have Rudy. Rudy is the republican’s effort to get some moderate votes. I say f’ him, and the moderates he rode in on. We don’t want their liberal tendancies mucking things up for us. Rudy believes in abortion (seriously, I think it’s his religion). I can’t elect anyone that prays to an abortion. He has a really bad case of dentures too. If he agrees to changing his name to Toofy Giuliani, I will vote for him because that’s pretty funny.

Jonathan Edwards – I’ve never seen anyone waste so much money and continue to smile. Our only hope is that he can deflate some of the other Demoncrat front-runners’ momentum and confuse the issues somewhat. Not electable.

I think you can see our choices are fairly limited this time around. Should our hopes be dashed and the intelligence of the people of this great country falter, refer to yesterday’s post and begin to stockpile the necessities so you can live until the rapture.

by: fileboy

*Dear God, forgive me for swearing, I think it adds to the post and really gets my point across that this is insanity.