Photo Released Of Center City Attacker

PHILADELPHIA -- Philadelphia police need your help trying to track down a monster.

Take a good look at the photo above. This is a picture of the monster witnesses described near the scene of the last incident at 24th and Aspen in Fairmount on Jan. 21.

Police believe the monster is responsible for at least seven attacks since last November.

“In most instances, the monster runs up to strangers, strikes up a conversation, and then asks for a ride to Hollywood”, according to City Police Officer Barret Fozzie. “The alarming thing about it is if you say yes, you quickly realize he’s too big to fit into your car. If you say no, then you have this big monster running down the road after you”, Fozzie also said.

A member of a local rock band, Electric Mayhem, named Janice had this to say about the Center City Attacker: “I’m not sure why they’ve dubbed him the ‘Center City Attacker’, man. As far as I know, he never hurt anyone. He’s a totally groovy monster. He just wants a ride to Hollywood”. “For Surely”, she later said.

Witnesses have reported the monster running down the road carrying a knapsack, apparently hitchhiking his way towards Hollywood. Others have reported the monster resembles a nearby used car lot attendant named Harry.

A $7,000 reward is being offered for information leading to the arrest of the monster.

By File Boy