Wilmington Del (AP) – In what authorities are describing as freak accident, 34 year-old office worker, Duane Cummings was apparently crushed to death on Tuesday by an avalanche of rubber bands, which rained down upon him for 15 minutes before letting up. Witnesses say that Cummings’ ghastly screams for help could be heard for a full ten minutes before he succumbed to the effects of the onslaught. Authorities were initially baffled by the incident and were unable to explain how the progressive buildup of rubber bands eventually killed Cummings. It was thought that the weight of the avalanche was insufficient to actually crush Cummings or stop his breathing. However, medical and toxicology studies revealed that Cummings was latex intolerant and succumbed to anaphylactic shock as a result of Cummings’ coming in contact with the rubber bands.
The investigation continues into how the rubber bands came to be piled up in such a large quantity, at such a great height and apparently so far from where the rubber bands are usually stored. Unnamed sources who worked with Cummings suggest that the rubber bands had somehow piled up on top of a seven foot high filing cabinet before becoming dislodged by attempted filing activities below. Cummings was reportedly attempting to climb to an upper shelf to return a rarely-used file and was using a lower shelf as a step stool. Joey Canola, a filing and office supply expert with the University of Pennsylvania, suggests that Cummings may have used his right hand to grab the very top of the cabinet. “I think he grabbed the top of the cabinet with his right hand.” said Canola. “I think that, no I’m sure that the pile of rubber bands must have been up there for a very long time.”
Canola apparently ran a plasticizer analysis on a sampling of the rubber bands and was stunned by his findings. According to Canola, his theory is that the rubber bands slowly accumulated on top of the filing cabinet over a period of not weeks or months, but years! “Da plasticizer test don’t lie.” said Canola. Latex contains a chemical called plasticizer, which gives latex its soft rubbery feel. The plasticizer evaporates over time and at very regular and measurable intervals. “The less plasticizer, the older the rubber.” Said Canola. “What we found here was very interesting. We took samples of rubber bands covering Cummings. The ones closest to Cummings’ body had the highest plasticizer levels. They’re the ones that would have been on top of the pile and the first to fall on him.” Said Canola. “The ones farthest from the body were the oldest. They had the lowest plasticizer levels. The ones in-between had varying levels depending on how close they were to the body.” Canola said, “This is the strangest thing I’ve ever seen! I ain’t never seen nuttin as weird as this before.”
Authorities remained baffled as to how the rubber bands got on top of the filing cabinet in such mind boggling quantities in the first place. The incident took place in the file room of a large Wilmington law firm. The file room is usually staffed by one to three file room employees and there is always at least one employee in the file room at all times. Mary W. (who wishes to remain anonymous) said that she had no idea how the rubber bands got up there. “There’s always someone in here. If someone put them up there, I would have seen it! There’s just no way you can put three million rubber bands on top of a filing cabinet behind my back.” Said W. The investigation continues. Authorities are compiling a list of all former file room employees for questioning. As an aside, Canoloa added, “Had those rubber bands been used to make a giant rubber band ball, it clearly would have been the largest rubber band ball ever constructed.”
by d.tkon
posted by File Boy & D.Tkon at 3:39 PM
16 Comments:
I remember hearing about a similar story. There was this guy, let's call him "File Boy" who one day saw a fellow file worker flinging a rubber band on top of a filing cabinet. When file boy asked said co-worker about it, the co-worker pointed out that she had been doing this for years, and that the rubber band pile up there must contain dozens if not hundreds of rubber bands by now. File Boy stood on tippee toe and backed up just far enough that he was able to make out a rather large pile of the rubber bands. Being a person who enjoyed tricks and gags, and being a person who saw the value in this passive aggression, and not being a person inclined to be subtle, file boy began a campaign of increasing the size of the rubber band stack as large as it would go, nay, larger. Larger than it would go. And then some. File Boy ran around searching for rubber bands, and when they ran out, paper clips and binder clips. Gum wrappers. Notebooks. The flinging of all things office supplies increased on days when a.) file boy was hung over, b.) the boss man was really riding him and c.) all the other days.
As I understand it, as time went by, File Boy left the firm and found employment elsewhere, never removing any of the rubber bands. I'd never heard what became of the rubber bands, but now I guess we know...the rest of the story. Good day.
This is a great story.
Dtkon - you're brilliant.
File Boy isn't writing this. This story was very good.
The irony is my favorite part. It's sad tht poor Mr. Cummings didn't see it coming, but even sadder tht his unfortunate demise was not due to the actual avalanche of office supplies, but his affliction to latex. His family will be able to take solice in the fact tht the WC claim agst the "large Wilmington law firm" will probably pay them more than Mr. Cummings' actual salary.
That's definitely true since the large Wilmington law firm pays very poorly, or so I've heard...
I think it's funny that S'Girl doesn't understand how WC works. It only pays 2/3rds of your salary (if you're lucky) and only for 300 weeks at most. So what he'll get in compensation is far less than what he would have earned had he lived. Perhaps he had it Cumming to him.
F.B. One of the funniest things is that the firm hasn't had to buy rubberbands since! All but the ones swallowed by Mr. Cummings (as he screamed for help) were recovered, sorted and restocked.
Glad to hear the firm is saving on bands. Did you ever hear that at one point, during a staff meeting, the main guy (founding partner) at that firm announced that DuPont did a study and realized that it spent something like $50,000 per year on paperclips? So they initiated an effort to go around and recapture all of the wasted office products sitting unused and languishing in people's desks. In that spirit (so I've been told), the head honcho at the Wilmington firm named a person to be in charge of a similar effort. I'll never forget seeing poor ol' "rhr" walking around with an expandible folder asking if we had any supplies we weren't using. I mean, that's what I was told happened. That poor guy probably had to finish high school and everything to become partner in a law firm, and yet he was relegated to 'office supply reclaim boy'. But he had to. If you didn't do what the #1 wanted, you'd hear about it for days. I've heard he could be such a heckler.
I think you only need a GED to collect office supplies in an expandible folder. You need a higher degree to actually sort the items and recycle them back to the other partners.
FB - that's not a rumor. I personally had paperclips confiscated from me along with alligator clips, micro-cassette tapes and tissues that were only PARTIALLY used (they're still good right?) I actually had a sour-faced female partner walk into my office and command me to "open my drawers." She didn't even blanch when I threatened a sexual harassment suit.
I said, "I'm not fucking showing YOU what's in my drawers!"
So she said, "Why not? You'll open your drawers for practically any other female in this office without them even asking! Why are you going to treat me differently?"
To which I replied, "Huh?"
To which she replied, "Oh don't play stupid with me, you know exactly what I'm talking about."
So I gave her all my paperclips, post-its, extra 19 cent pens AND my wallet, which I really didn't like anyway.
I'm hoping that by "sour-faced female partner" you are referring to the horse-faced jackass that I have in mind. I could see her doing that since she was in lock-step with the leader there. Did she kick in your door and give you the salute? Was she wearing black boots?
Schnell! Schnell! Geben Sie mich allen Ihrer Versorgungsmaterialien! Der Kommandant kommt!
Gesundheit!
"Latex contains a chemical called plasticizer, which gives latex its soft rubbery feel"
...and intoxicating aroma.
FB - I think you're thinking of the same woman partner that I'm talking about. I would have loved to kick her right in the balls, but . . . well, you know.
What's the interpretation on that German phrase sir?
Rough translation: "Quick quick! Give me all of your office supplies! Here comes the Comander" (I originally had Fuhrer, but changed it because I thought that was going a little overboard, plus I grew to like the commander over there during my years in slavery, er I mean the file room).
Glad to hear I wasn't the only one who contemplated kicking that "woman" in her useless crotch!
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