Glenn "Jackass" Schwartz Revises Winter Storm Forecast

In November, there were several factors in favor of cold and snow, especially in January and February. But at least four of those factors have changed significantly in just a short period of time! I realize I’m a weather forecaster, but I didn’t see this coming. I’m a jackass.

Other factors are in the North Pacific and North Atlantic. Look at the pattern in November, and the current pattern. What a change! This cold water has led to those western storms and flooding the country with warm air. Got to admit, didn’t see that coming. Not at all.

In the Atlantic, an area of warm ocean waters was supposed to lead to a negative NAO pattern, which often leads to winter storms. Now, the warm water has disappeared, and the NAO has been way too positive. You’d have to be a "Genie" to know that was going to happen. Besides, my ridiculously undersized head is shoved up my ass all the way to my bowtie. Can't see the warm ocean waters from inside my anus.

The result: It's warm all over the U.S., over Canada, over Europe, and even over Asia (not to mention warm inside my sphincter). One has to wonder if global warming has a hand in this, too (or if I’m completely incontinent. I mean incompetent).

With the El Nino weakening, I'm not giving up on winter, but I am willing to accept reality. January is at least going to start mild. By February, if I’m not out of a job, we may see some snow.

I'm now cutting my snow total in half: to 15 to 20 inches, with still one big snowstorm in February. If we don’t get any snow by the end of February, I’m going to update my winter forecast again, and once again cut the predictions, this time down to 1-5 inches.

For temperatures, I'm going 3 degrees above normal for January and then 2 degrees below normal for February and March. Except in my sphincter, where all of my hot air may lead to 12 degrees above normal, with wet, humid and somewhat soupy conditions throughout the entire winterduh.

What's most disappointing about all of this is that I guess my Glenn Schwartz Predictor Scale or "GSPS" is a total waste of time and energy, and I'm sure I'll take more than a little ribbing over that until things blow over. I can't believe I spent all of that time making that stupid scale. I just feel so worthless. I mean, any old lady on the street would have known that the 30-40 inches predicted by the GSPS weren't going to happen. I’m a jackass.

By File Boy

SURE! Come on in! We're Open 24/7

Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration. Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely.

Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests. Let's say I break into your house. Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave. But I say, "I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors; I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hardworking and honest (except for when I broke into your house). According to the protesters, not only must you let me stay, you must add me to your family's insurance plan, educate my kids, and provide other benefits to me and to my family (my spouse will do your yard work because he too is hardworking and honest, except for that breaking in part). If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my right to be there.

It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm hardworking and honest, um, except for well, you know.

And what a deal it is for me!! I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of selfishness, prejudice and being an anti-housebreaker. Oh yeah, and I want you to learn my language so you can communicate with me.

Why can't people see how ridiculous this is?!

Only in America...

by d.tkon

Flatulence Allegedly Sparks Jail Fight

Sheriff Blames Overcrowding (File Boy Blames Stupid Inmate, Beans)

NORTH PLATTE, Neb. -- Brian Bruggeman caused a stink at the Lincoln County Jail in Nebraska earlier this month and will now have to answer for it in court.

Another inmate, Jesse Dorris, alleged that Bruggeman's flatulence -- passed in close proximity to Dorris -- sparked a Dec. 14 fight between the two at the jail.

Now Bruggeman, 38, faces a Jan. 11 preliminary hearing on the state's complaint of assault by a confined person. It's a felony punishable by up to five years in prison.

Bruggeman (the farter) is accused of injuring Dorris (the fart recipient), his cellmate, when he pushed him into cell bars (was he pushed by the “wind”, or was he farted on and pushed?). Dorris, 26, was not charged.

The two began scuffling, County Attorney Jeff Meyer said Tuesday, because Dorris was fed up with Bruggeman's flatulence. Jail fights are common, Meyer said, but the cause of this one was rather uncommon.

"It's usually about someone hogging the newspaper or someone not happy about what's on TV," he said (I’m sorry, newspapers and tvs? That’s what “jail” is? Sitting around watching tv, reading the newspaper and farting on each other?!)

Bruggeman is serving a 90-day sentence for violating a protection order.

"He compounded his problems," Meyer said (Meyer, aka Captain Obvious).

Dorris is awaiting a January trial on a charge of aiding and abetting robbery (perhaps he should be happy all he’s getting from Bruggeman is farts).

Sheriff Jerome Kramer said the incident was a result of overcrowding (and possibly poor upbringing, a life of committing crimes, getting caught, poor choice in defense attorney, bad behavior, and finally, last night’s beans and franks dinner). The jail was built in 1933 and has a capacity of 23 inmates, according to 2006 standards, Kramer said. As many as 65 inmates have been lodged at the jail in recent days, he said (oh, tisk, tisk).

"You just can't get a reprieve from one another," Kramer said. "When you've got a guy causing problems passing gas, there's no way to get away from the smell" (except of course, not to COMMIT THE F_CKING CRIME IN THE FIRST PLACE).

By File Boy

Philadelphia marks beginning of Kwanzaa with 403rd homicide this year

Community Events Coordinator Sheila Himms wanted readers to be aware of upcoming homicides this year. “We should be able to squeeze in another 5-10 homicides this year, and that doesn’t even count the people who will be shot by falling bullets as a result of New Years eve celebrations”.

Event planners have been hesitant to set a number of how many homicides one might expect to be able to witness before the year is through, though expectations are high.

“I feel like we are riding on a wave of shootings right now that should crescendo as we near the New Year”, Mayor Street said last week.

The city planning office has already begun planning next year’s Kwanzaa celebration. “I think we can top 500” Himms said.

Visitors are encouraged to tour the Kensington and South Philadelphia neighborhoods. “That’s your best bet for witnessing a New Year’s homicide” said Himms. “I haven’t been able to personally witness one yet, but I’m hoping for a Kwanzaa miracle”.

by File Boy

Face-lift under way at cemetery

EDGEWATER PARK — Landscapers are removing 54 dead or diseased oak trees at Beverly National Cemetery this month and there are plans to replace all its roads and curbs this spring.
“We are real excited,” said Mary Hendley, the director of the cemetery. “It's just going to make a better appearance overall.”

But what really has heads turning is the actual post-mortem face-lift being performed on several of the interred occupants of the cemetery.

About 48,000 veterans are buried at the 64-acre cemetery along Bridgeboro Road. Local residents have banded together to raise money to make sure the deceased have smooth skin. “Nice complexion, no wrinkles” mumbled Doctor Nembaro while doing a skin peel. “I like to use a nice aloe vera to soothe the skin, followed by a cucumber mask, and finally we perform a lift. The contours are all gone.”

“This project has been a long time coming, and it's very necessary for that site,” he said. Nembaro said the wrinkle removal was partially paid for by the regional National Cemetery Administration, the rest of the money came from local citizens.

Hendley said the Department of Veterans Affairs is trying to improve the look of all its national cemeteries to bring them up to “shrine status.” She said the department wants each corpse to have healthy turf above, and healthy, well-maintained skin below. Hendley said all headstones must be clean and positioned in straight rows.

by File Boy

Gift of Life Donor Program Reports Great Year

Every year the Holidays bring the Gift of Life Donor program a massive in-surge of “donations”; 2006 is a banner year in every way.

“People all over the Delaware valley have given back in a tremendous way this year” said Gift of Life Chairman Gene Peltrou.

On any given year, the number of organs received at Gift of Life is typically insufficient to meet area demands. This year however, the program believes there will be a surplus of organs. “We may be able to donate some leftovers to the Feed the Children Program after the New Year if things keep up”, said Lydia Seymour, program coordinator.

Lydia further commented, “We are looking forward to expanding our outreach, and possibly partnering with Dr. Kevorkian in a new program ‘Volunteers of the Gift of Life’”.

“To think, we still have New Years to look forward to” said Dr. Nick, the program’s resident physician, “It’s the biggest time of the year for us”. Members of the program refer to Dr. Nick as the “De-organizer”.

Philadelphia police Chief Detmer sees it a different way. “This is a very dangerous group of people who are not licensed doctors, and they keep no records of whom the donor is (was), or where the donations have gone. We are investigating them now, and my recommendation to you is that you steer clear of this establishment”.

The Gift of Life Donor Program is located at 401 North 3rd Street, Philadelphia, PA 19123. Area residents have voiced some concern over the odor which seems to originate from the furnace located on the property. Some residents have also questioned whether or not it is appropriate to share a building with a butcher, but otherwise most residents welcome the program into their neighborhood.

The program is now accepting donations, which may be mailed to the Philadelphia office, or you may stop in for a consultation without an appointment.

by File Boy

And now for today’s installment of Borrowed from the Headlines…

5-Year-Old Accused Of Sexual Harrassment

Boy Pinched Girl's Buttocks

HAGERSTOWN, Md. -- A Maryland kindergarten student has been accused of sexual harassment and written up.

The 5-year-old boy pinched a girl's buttocks.

A spokeswoman for Washington County public schools said the episode in a hallway at Lincolnshire Elementary School earlier this month fits the state Department of Education's definition of sexual harassment.

The definition in part describes sexual harassment as inappropriate physical conduct of a sexual nature directed toward others.

The spokeswoman said the reprimand is a learning opportunity for the boy even though he may not understand that what he is doing is sexual harassment.

But the boy's father said he doesn't know what to say to his son. He told The Herald-Mail of Hagerstown that the boy thinks of it as just playing and doesn't know anything about sex.

The boy’s attorney did not immediately return phone calls seeking comment; however the boy did appear briefly at a press conference where he had this to say: “Hey, listen folks, I took a shot, and got caught, big deal. I mean, it’s not as if she didn’t like it.”

Linda McComb, the boy’s mother later commented from their Hagerstown home, “If he would just limit his use of pornography to a few hours per day, I think his behavior would improve dramatically. He seems to spend all day cloistered in his room, apparently diddling” the disgusted mother said. “I have to take salad tongs in there to pick up his laundry”.

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. it's rare. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave theparty or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a great holiday season!

d.tkon

Whaddya Say Chapter III


This picture is obvioulsy in desperate need of a caption! You guys know the rules by now. Make it funny and just let us know where you want us to send the prize money. Speaking of prize money, this guy looks like he could use a few dollars – though I doubt he’d spend the money on orthodondia. OOH! I have a good caption!! Here it is:



Apparently, his girlfriend has teeth!

by d.tkon

Updated White Christmas Map -

The major cities of the Northeast will not have a White Christmas this year. There will be a few storms between now and the holiday, but they will be in the form of rain. It is looking good for a White Christmas from the central Rockies through most of the northern Plains. Parts of northern New England and upstate New York also stand a pretty good chance for having at least some snow on the ground for Christmas Day.

(Borrowed from Accuweather.com)

Note: Its always a white Christmas in my house, but only because my family doesn't invite any black people over.

By File Boy

And now, today’s installment of Borrowed from the Headlines…

Delaware Lacrosse Player Cleared Of Hate Attack

The prosecutor's office in Cape May County, N.J., said University of Delaware men's lacrosse player Vernon Godino will not be charged for his involvement in an assault last week.

Criminal charges against Godino have been dropped, he has been re-admitted to the university, and he will resume practicing with the lacrosse team.

Godino and two other men were charged with aggravated assault and intimidation in connection with a verbal attack on a non-Christmas celebrating, off-duty police officer from Pennsylvania on Dec. 13 in Sea Isle City, N.J.

The prosecutor’s office now says that it appears that Godino’s well-wishing was not hate-motivated. Godino wished the off-duty officer a “Merry Christmas”.

The two other suspects were present when Godino made his verbal attack against the off-duty officer, but since they have been uncooperative in the investigation, prosecutors have been forced to dismiss the charges because of a lack of evidence.

The off-duty officer, who celebrates Kwanzaa, not Christmas, has been admitted to the Delaware Psychiatric Hospital to undergo evaluation, to determine the extent of mental anguish he suffered at the hands of the reckless well-wishers.

by File Boy

Whaddya Say Chapter II


Some pictures need no explanation or defy description. Other times, you see a picture and just can’t keep your mouth shut. On this occasion, the subject kept his mouth shut and therefore can’t be seen, hence defying description! Bottom line here, ALWAYS SAY CHEESE! Even if you’re miserable because you just married a big fat cow! My editor asked me if this picture was taken just before or just after the wedding. I said, “Do you see a smile? He’s married!”

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! If I had a face like this chick, I'd shave my dog's ass and teach it to walk backwards!!!!

Whaddya Say?

This picture is in desperate need of a caption. Tell us what the Caption should be. If we like your suggestion and declare you the winner, we’ll repost the picture with YOUR caption underneath. You won’t be anymore famous, but you’ll feel important! We promise. Also, if you win, you get to pick next week’s picture. Um . . . Except you have to find it and e-mail it to us. OH! And as far as how the winner is picked? That is top-secret information that only File Boy and I have access to. Our advice? Make it funny. If you can’t make it funny, you can bribe us with PayPal. Now give us a funny caption for this picture. (Nothing too obvious please!)

(apparently, the last thing this photographer recalls before having her lights punched out was making a kissy face at old Joey here, while trying to shoot some video. Fortunately, the camera kept running during the vicious attack thus enabling the police to quickly locate her teeth)

d.tkon

Dip Shit



Washington, DC (AP) President Bush spoke briefly following a breakfast meeting held at the White House this morning, in response to the Iraq Study Group’s “tough assessment” of the situation in Iraq. “It’s a tough assessment. Yes sir! Tough! Mmmhmm. Um . . . yep.” Bush said. When asked if the Report drew any conclusions or assessed blame, Bush replied, “As to conclusions, I think the report, um, well its sort of preliminary in that it doesn’t really reach any hard conclusions, not any hard conclusions that I can find without reading it of course. And let me tell ya’ll something. I’m gonna read it. Yup! Yes Sir! And I bet the good folks who spared twenty minutes or so to put this little thingy together, well, I just don’t know how to thank them enough.” Asked if he thought the Report would bring about any rapid changes in the mid-east, Bush said, “Sure! I think we’ll continue to rapidly bring home U.S. Soldiers. And, my Defense Secretary tells me we’ve made a good start. Looks like we’ve brought home about three-thousand troops so far and reunited them to their families. And I’m also told that we’re bringing home about sixty troops per month. So that’s pretty rapid to me in my book. Yup. Yeseriee. My book. Mmm Hmm.”

Stay tuned for further details . . .

d.tkon

Climate Origins of a White Christmas

Why do we all dream of a White Christmas? The holiday season is invariably viewed as a snowy event, even though most populous places in The United States and Europe have little chance of seeing snow on the ground by the end of December. So what gives?

HISTORICAL CHANCE OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS

Blame it on what Climatologists call "The Little Ice Age," a period when the entire globe was much cooler than it is now, causing raw, extended winters across northern parts of Europe and the U.S. The Little Ice Age generally is said to have ended in the mid 1800's after the third minimum of global temperatures occurred [WikiPedia]. It turns out that much of Christmas lore is trapped inside.

The image above shows temperatures during the last 1000 years (redder colors indicate more recent (probably more reliable studies). Global Warming aside, it's clear that we're much warmer now than we were in 1600, or even 1850.The pink area indicates the Little Ice Age and the dark pink band indicates the time during which the most memorable Christmas stories were written. Below I discuss three of the most famous pieces.

A SNOWY CHRISTMAS CAROL IN THE U.K.:

Charles Dickens released "A Christmas Carol" in 1843. The inspiration for the town (reference this web site which no longer exists) was Bayham Street in Camden Town, part of London. He moved there as a child in 1822. His photographic memory (answers.com) probably stored shots of various snowstorms that occurred in December during the Little Ice Age. Although he mentions snow a lot in the book, ironically the original commissioned illustrations by John Leech are all inside shots -- no snow. It's taken 150 years of remakes (48 movies!) and artists creative talents to interpret the book's cold climate for us and burn into our minds those pictures of a snow-covered London street (like this one).

Although he describes the cold Scrooge using winter terms near the beginning of the novel, it's not until "Stave 3: The Second of the Three Spirits" where he goes into detail about the heavy snow on the ground and falling:

So did the room, the fire, the ruddy glow, the hour of night, and they stood in the city streets on Christmas morning, where (for the weather was severe) the people made a rough, but brisk and not unpleasant kind of music, in scraping the snow from the pavement in front of their dwellings, and from the tops of their houses, whence it was mad delight to the boys to see it come plumping down into the road below, and splitting into artificial little snow-storms. By this time it was getting dark, and snowing pretty heavily...

By the way, if you haven't seen the 1999 remake with Patrick Stewart, it's worth a view.

TWAS THE SNOWY NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS IN NEW YORK:

Here's another classic:
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below...
Sound familiar? The RenewAmerica Website says: Clement Moore wrote The Night Before Christmas (1822) during [a] cold snap. The poem describes new-fallen snow on Christmas Eve, and reindeer, which are arctic creatures, pulling Santa's sled.

Their insinuation that reindeer were more commonplace in populated areas during The Little Ice Age, and that this might have inspired hooking them to Santa's sleigh, is intriguing. (The Internet has a lot of neat websites, but maps of reindeer populations for the last 150 years isn't one of them, so we may never know). The article also points out that "During the Little Ice Age, Christmas revived as a winter festival with both sacred and secular qualities.."
Wikipedia says that Clement Moore published the poem in the Troy, New York (near Albany) [Google Map] Sentinel.

OVER THE RIVER AND SNOW IN BOSTON IN NOVEMBER?

Wikipedia says that "Over the River and Through the Woods" (which is about heavy snow at Thanksgiving in a suburb of Boston, Massachusetts!) was produced by Lydia Maria Child in 1844. (The suburb is Medford, Massachusetts [Google Map]).

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SONG?

So what about "White Christmas", the popular song in the 1940's? According to Trivia-Library.com, White Christmas was written by Irving Berlin as part of a film called "Holiday Inn" in 1942 (This article by Doctor Weather has detailed information on the writing of it). Bing Crosby both starred in the film and sung the song, turning it into the 2nd most popular Christmas song in America. "Holiday Inn" got a 7.5 on IMDB, which is pretty good if you're familiar with the site's rating system. The movie was later redone as "White Christmas" in 1954 (again with Bing). Two of the movie's characters, who have a song-and-dance act, travel to Vermont to do a Christmas show. Although frequent cold and snowy winters were already a thing of the past by 1942, most seasoned actors and writers of that era would have undoubtedly heard stories about White Christmases from their parents or grandparents, who would have been kids in the late 1800s, when the Little Ice Age was on its way out.

CONCLUSION: DREAM ON

Unfortunately, there's no concrete proof that winters during the mid 1800's were snowier than now (at least in the U.S. where the oldest Philadelphia records date back to only 1872). But from the study above, I think it's clear that we can lay the blame for dreaming of White Christmases squarely on The Little Ice Age. The BBC in the United Kingdom agrees, saying:
"If current research is correct, it looks like dreaming might be as close as we get to seeing snow at Christmas, if at all."

I've only seen three White Christmases, two in North Carolina (1984 and 1989) and one here in Central Pennsylvania. I don't expect to see them in any more frequency in the future, but I can still dream...

Posted by File Boy, Borrowed from Jesse Ferrell at Accuweather.com

If the old saying is true…

…that we are what we eat, you may be surprised to find out what you are made of. What I set out to research was a scientific study of how much “bad stuff” is on the average person’s hands (and then extrapolate how much of that “bad stuff” is likely to make it into the average person’s diet). I didn’t find what I was looking for because I found so much other interesting stuff, I became side-tracked. But one thing we do know is that hand-washing is crucial to reducing the “bad stuff” on people’s hands, and this is especially important when the hands in question are the ones preparing our food.

Bacteria, Insects and Other “Bad Stuff”…

Now, what we know is that the bacteria found on hands are extremely small. We also know that the smaller the bug, bacteria, or “bad stuff” is, the easier it is to go undetected in our meals (until later when its had a chance to multiply in your gut - an average of 40,000 Americans get Salmonella poisoning each year).

For example, the average person will consume 8 spiders and 3 cockroaches in their lifetime. Since I don’t recall ever eating either, and I’m approximately 1/3 through my life, statistically I have probably eaten about 2.6 spiders and at least 1 cockroach, and did so while asleep.

Insects are fascinating, especially when they’re on the menu! Did you know that for every person on earth, there are an estimated 200 million insects? That’s good news, since we eat so many of them! I found out that the average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it (not including chocolate-dipped ants, grasshoppers or other insect-chocolate confectionary treats). Despite your attempts at avoiding it, you have probably inadvertently consumed over a pound of insects in your lifetime.

Your insect consumption adds up. Flour beetles, weevils, and other insect pests that infest granaries are milled along with the grain, finally ending up as tiny black specks in your piece of bread. Small grubs and other tiny insects can be found in your fruit and vegetables. Insects are especially common in canned and other types of processed food, and even in certain beverages. In apple orchards, the bug-infested apples are separated from the bug-free ones. What happens to the bug-infested apples? They use them to make cider; waste not, want not! It is virtually impossible that you have not ingested insects in one form or another during your lifetime. And it probably did not harm you, but instead did you some good by providing extra protein in your meal!

In fact, 100 grams of cricket contains: 121 calories, 12.9 grams of protein, 5.5 g. of fat, 5.1 g. of carbohydrates, 75.8 mg calcium, 185.3 mg. of phosphorous, 9.5 mg. of iron, 0.36 mg. of thiamin, 1.09 mg. of riboflavin, and 3.10 mg. of niacin.Compare this with ground beef, which, although it contains more protein (23.5 g.), also has 288.2 calories and a whopping 21.2 grams of fat! But I digress…

Let’s get back to the other “bad stuff”…

If we know that the average person defecates 7 pounds per day, or 2,555 pounds per year, we know that there are a lot of opportunities for the contamination of our food. After all, there are more living organisms on the skin of a single human being than there are human beings on the surface of the earth.

Don’t blame the fast-food workers for not being diligent about washing their hands; they have enough on their minds as it is. Did you know that in 1998, more fast-food employees were murdered on the job than police officers? And even if you know for certain that the fast-food workers are washing their hands after every toilet trip (I won’t mention that seven percent of Americans claim they never bathe at all), what happens when they unexpectedly sneeze? Did you know that sneeze travels out your mouth at over 100 mph? You know someone has sneezed while making your burger at some point along the way. And what about this statistic: 23% of employees say they have had sex in the office (does that include fast-food restaurants)?

Some other interesting facts: During your lifetime, you'll eat about 60,000 pounds of food. That's the weight of about 6 elephants. That’s a lot of opportunity to increase the “fecal-matter-to-food ingestion” ratio. The average American drinks about 600 sodas a year (perhaps to wash down the ton of dirt most people will ingest in their lifetime). You'll eat about 35,000 cookies in your lifetime (just don’t dunk them in milk; 32 out of 33 samples of well-known brands of milk purchased in Los Angeles and Orange counties in California had trace amounts of perchlorate. Perchlorate is the explosive component in rocket fuel – we won’t take the bait and discuss what rocket fuel and lactose intolerance might produce). But wait, there’s more…The average person will consume a total of 24 pigs, 7,300 eggs and 160 kg of chocolate in their lifetime. Surprisingly, 41% of Chinese people eat at least once a week at a fast food restaurant as compared to only 35% of Americans. So at least we have that going for us.

OK, so now that you are educated about this, what does it mean to you? Well, statistically, the more educated people are, the more likely they are to drink. George Washington spent about 7% of his annual salary on liquor. While drinking you should see if you can lick your elbow. Or you can try to fold a piece of paper 8 times. If you are drinking now, we’ll pause to give you a moment to try both….

…

Now, when drinking, be sure to stick to alcohol! You don’t know what’s in the water (WC Fields said he wouldn’t drink it “…because fish f_ck in it”, and not too long ago Orthodox rabbis warned that New York City drinking water might not be kosher; it contains harmless micro-organisms that are technically shellfish).

The amount of insects, bacteria and “bad stuff” you experience in your lifetime may be different than those quoted above, as these statistics represent the averages. Since the average person doesn’t read this blog, you’re probably above-average. But don’t be alarmed. Being above-average is good thing, since the average person laughs only 15 times a day.

By: File Boy

Super-Size Me Baby!

This is in response to File Boy’s article regarding e-coli contamination effecting fast food. The post below started out as a “Comment” but quickly outgrew a typical response. So I thought I had enough ramblings to survive as a separate posting – in case you were wondering . . . Think in terms of point/counter-point.

Well-done sir! I mean if you eat your meat well done, you should be ok. Seriously, I really liked your article about fast food e-coli contamination. You speak so eloquently about a subject so near and dear to my heart (potty-anything). You know, you always get me thinking and not always in the direction you intended for me to go. But here I go, (and when you gotta go you gotta go) I’m not so sure that e-coli is the villain we make it out to be. My understanding is that it’s really only dangerous to individuals with compromised immune systems or kidney problems and that most people can withstand (quite easily) a direct exposure with little more than an upset stomach and some diarrhea, if that.

I think e-coli is one of those engines of natural selection – you know – something that keeps the herd on top of its game and in fighting form. It only picks off the little weak ones on the periphery. You, as the mighty hunter, should appreciate this argument. What happened before we invented plumbing, soap, and toilet paper, and people actually and quite literally got the shitty end of the stick?

I wonder if all of this medicine and bioresearch is really doing more to dilute the strength of the human race than better it in the long run. Aren’t we just enabling sick (or weaker) people to survive and contaminate the gene pool with their weak genes? And aren’t we expending tremendous resources for the sake of those on the periphery? Shouldn’t we be evolving toward some master race by this point? And do we really want lawyers making everything safer? I think if the world were a more dangerous place (like it used to be) you’d have a lot less dumb people running around screwing up the gene pool.

I want fewer warning labels, more dangerous products and hot coffee that’s not conspicuously marked as such. I want amusement rides with no height requirements. I don’t want to know how much salt is in my food and make all drugs legal and available over the counter.

Sooner or later (and believe me its sooner) this world is going to hit maximum occupancy and we’re going to have a huge problem on our hands. As it is, I have to eat dinner at 4:30 if I don’t want to wait an hour at most mediocre restaurants. Let humans fend for themselves damn it! And between you and me, I was really cheering for bird flu. Did you know there was a bird flu pandemic around 1918 that killed more than fifty million people world wide? With people living on top of each other today like they do, we’d lose over one billion people at least, when we finally get another one for real. Guess we better start digging.

By d.tkon

I’ll take one mexi-melt, a nachos bell grande and a small side of E. Coli

E. coli Outbreak Linked To Three Taco Bells

In New Jersey, an outbreak has sickened at least 22 people, two of them seriously.
Taco Bell President Greg Creed said in a statement that the company is “very concerned.''

But What is an E. coli infection?

Escherichia coli (also called E. coli) is a bacterium that can cause serious infections. Most of the hundreds of types, or strains, of E. coli live harmlessly in the digestive tracts of humans and animals. But some strains produce a powerful toxin that causes bloody diarrhea and occasionally can cause severe blood problems and kidney failure.

What causes an E. coli infection?

Simply stated, disease-causing E. coli spreads to people through contact with human or animal feces. Food and water contaminated with E. coli bacteria look and smell normal (Editorial comment: Contaminated food will look and smell normal with the small caveat that they only smell normal if the contact was minor. Submersing your food in a toilet will cause some odor and flavor changes).

Contaminated Food

Other food sources that may be at a high risk for carrying strains of E. coli bacteria include raw fruits and vegetables, such as lettuce, alfalfa sprouts, or unpasteurized apple cider or other unpasteurized juices that have come in contact with infected animal feces.

It sure is hot out. Could you pour me a nice tall glass of icy stool-contaminated water?

Human or animal feces infected with E. coli bacteria can contaminate water. People can become infected when a contaminated city or town water supply has not been properly treated with chlorine or when people accidentally swallow contaminated water while swimming in a lake, pool, or irrigation canal.

Person-to-person contact

The bacteria can be spread from one person to another, usually when an infected person does not wash his or her hands properly after a bowel movement. E. coli can spread from an infected person's hands to other people or to objects.

The effect this poopy food outbreak will have on Taco Bell is still unknown, however we know what happened to ChiChi’s a few years back. While ChiChi’s problem wasn’t E. coli, it was feces-related…

ChiChi’s Mexican Restaurant

Three people died and more than 600 others fell ill due to a hepatitis A outbreak at a Mexican restaurant near Pittsburgh in 2003. Over 14,500 patrons of Chi-Chi's Mexican Restaurant in Beaver County may have been exposed to the virus from September 1 to November 3, when officials closed the restaurant.

Chi-Chi's shuts all units; Outback buys site rights

LOUISVILLE, KY. -- Chi-Chi's Inc. said adios last month and shuttered till 65 of its Mexican dinnerhouses as Outback Steakhouse Inc. completed its $42.5 million purchase of the rights to 76 properties and leases belonging to the bankrupt chain.

The chain's Web site stated that Chi-Chi's "would like to thank all of our loyal customers of the past 27 years and, with a tear in our eye, say Adios!" (Editorial comment: With a tear in their eye and poop on their hands).

However, Outback, which operates and franchises 1,103 restaurants, including the 852-unit namesake steakhouse chain, was named winner of the bidding Aug. 3. Outback said it plans to use a "significant number" of the properties for its own brands. In addition to Outback Steakhouses, the company operates Carrabba's Italian Grill, Bonefish Grill, Fleming's Prime Steakhouse and Wine Bar, Roy's, Cheeseburger in Paradise, Lee Roy Selmon's and Paul Lee's Chinese Kitchen.

So how is hepatitis A spread?

Surprise! The virus is spread mainly by oral contact with stool (feces) containing the virus. If contaminated stool gets into the water or food supply, the virus may infect anyone who drinks the water or eats the food. This is how most people around the world become infected with hepatitis A.

Sometimes a large group of people who eat at the same restaurant become infected. This usually happens when an employee with hepatitis A does not wash his or her hands well after using the bathroom and then prepares food (Editorial comment: Heaving, mouth is watering, gag...where's that article on the physiology of vomiting?)

So what have we learned? We know that poop mixed with food will make you sick. We’ve also learned that you are likely to get some poop in your food if you eat at Taco Bell. The question that comes to mind is this: If the people who work at Taco Bell look and act the same as the people I see working at McDonalds, Burger King and any number of other fast-food restaurants, am I going to be in danger of ingesting poop if I eat at one of those chains?

Fast food is cheap and delicious, and most importantly, it's fast. Is a little poopy in your meal a price you’re willing to pay for this speedy deliciousness? Your damn right it is.

by File Boy

Police Seek Man Using Screwdriver To Rob Students

PHILADELPHIA -- After going through hours and hours of tape, police said they found the break they were looking for in the string of armed robberies of college students.

Now, they're asking for the public's help to identify and apprehend him.

Investigators said the man robbed at least eight college students last month, and in most cases the man drove around the University City area armed with a screwdriver.

“It’s funny because we’ve had this jar of peanuts at the precinct for like 2 months and no one can get the lid off. It must be rusted shut or something” said Ch. Clancy Wiggum.

Police heard of the screwdriver bandit, and immediately contacted a retail store up in the area of Aramingo and Huntingdon, requesting a copy of their surveillance video.

"He gets out of the car and walks up to them … and demands their money," Wiggum said.

The man then takes off in a gray or other colored, two or four-door, 1970-1999 Honda Civic or Accord with 4 wheels, police said.

The surveillance pictures were taken Nov. 20 as the man used the credit card of a person he robbed just hours earlier. Wiggum said the man purchased gas as well as items inside the store.

“I know he gets mad when we talk about it, but ever since Lou joined the force, things have just been disappearing around here” Wiggum said. “Last summer he ‘borrowed’ our only screwdriver to put together a swing set for his kids. We haven’t seen that screwdriver since then.”

“I’m always amazed at how things work out for the best. I think it's great how this screwdriver lunatic is terrorizing the students right at a time when need a new screwdriver. Its Karma" commented the bloated Chief. "I mean, it's just like how you guys happened past this doughnut shop when you did. If you hadn’t come by when you did, we wouldn’t be conducting this interview".

Anyone who sees the man is being asked to call the local police district.

by File Boy

Table Scraps Harmful to Pets, No Scraps at all Worse

Point Breeze, Dec. 5, 2006 -

In this era of pet resorts, doggie yoga, feng shui pet gardens and Retin-A acne treatments for cats, it was only a matter of time. Obese pets are now a real problem in many American households.

The epidemic of overweight pets in America is at an all-time high. "The overweight dog is overloved,' said Dr. Lawrence Gerson, a veterinarian in Point Breeze who has started a regular weigh-in program to monitor some of his pudgy patients. Many of the owners don't recognize that their pets are larger than they should be.

One of every four dogs and cats in the Western world is obese, according to the landmark 2003 report from the National Academy of Sciences. Researchers compiled the 450-page report after reviewing 25 years of scientific papers on cat and dog nutrition.

Doctor Gerson feels that the problem is table scraps. “I see dozens of pets monthly at my clinic, and when I ask the owners of the most obese pets whether they feed them table scraps or not, inevitably the answer is yes. The owners are often lard asses themselves.”

Not everyone is ready to jump on the “Table Scraps are bad for my pet bandwagon”. Jeremy Travis of New Larson said: “Hey, my dog will eat his own shit, and likes it. So I give him a t-bone every once in a while. I don’t think it matters. Leave me alone, all of you.”

Indeed the topic has lately become a hot-bed of debate amongst veterinary circles.
In an effort to quell the debate, scientists at the Roarshack Institute have recently conducted a study aimed at proving or disproving, once and for all, the extant theory that table scraps are the leading cause of obesity in pets.

First, a large number of cats were obtained from the local Humane Society. These animals were shaved and numbered from 1 to 300. Although unnecessary, the shaving and numbering proved to be entertaining for the scientists. “They hate spray paint”, commented Dwight Spring, assistant to Dr. Lowethal, who was conducting the study.

The cats were then caged and half were given only table scrap-type food. A partial list of the diet included such things as mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, pork chops, milk, bread, cake, brownies, and ice cream.

The other half of the animals were considered the “control”, and were given no table scraps at all.

Although the results have yet to be studied and additional research is necessary to reach a conclusion, the scientists are sure of one thing. The animals that were given table scraps actually fared much better than the animals that were not fed at all. According to Dr. Lowenthal, “The control population died. Every one of them. I don’t think one of them made it past 4 days.”
Scientists plan to announce the results of the testing in next month’s Bark MD magazine.

by File Boy

Speaking About Shooting Stuff

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

by d.tkon

Good Taste / Bad Taste
Here’s the Third installment (and the first pre-Christmas effort) of what I still hope will become a regular feature here on Why I Shoot Stuff. The premise is simple. A picture, photograph, image, or quote (or anything that provokes thought) will be posted under the heading “Good Taste / Bad Taste”. Sometimes there may be an accompanying commentary to get your literary juices flowing. Either way, you’re invited to click in and vent, tear me a new one, or applaud. This one you'll find either blasphemous or nourishing! I like salt on my pretzels. Here’s today’s picture.

Now you know why they keep the door locked during conclave!

by d.tkon

Git-R-Done!

My friend shot this buck in PA last week and it is pretty impressive. First of all, this was shot on public land in PA, which means land that has a lot of competition for bucks (from other hunters). Its also land that holds deer that know how to avoid humans. Well, at least most of the time. This is a non-typical 21 point buck with an antler spread of 19 inches. Not too bad for his first buck.

Stay tuned for more updates, from the field.

by File Boy