i have week from hell time make brain hurt

cant talk must sleep


tired to go home now please
what do they are? file the report! file the report!

buy

buy

sell sell

no sleep no beer make file boy something something....

i enjoy times of outside funning times when i get to work and have work to do outside is better at times. long commute make sad inside with tears and wailing crying times up late to sleep make beer go bed time better. see black some times make light fires. voices say fire time is fun i agree flames firing blackness cold smoke now they listen to me when i say sad tired beer time.

mayhem

sleeping goodness of sleep gooding bedtime,

sweet brown friend with bubbly hoppy goodness to bring warming glow and sleeping relaxation

Dear Greta,

I am writing this letter to you because there are some things I want to tell you that may be difficult for you to hear. I think you should sit down.

You have always been very cute. I’ve always enjoyed your zest for life and your ability to make me laugh. You have always been able to capture the attention of anyone you meet and you have always been fun to be around. Lately though, my opinion of you has changed in many ways and that is the reason I am writing this letter to you today.

This past Tuesday morning when you woke me up because you needed to go outside, I got up out of bed and put on my cold Adidas slippers and my jogging pants (which by the way don’t provide any protection against the cold – the wind comes in through the fabric and whips in and out at will) and my old brown shirt (which is missing a button and also allows the wind in and out and in and out and in and out whenever it feels like it) and took you down stairs. This is something that I do for you every day of your life ever since you came to live with me. When we got down there and I saw those great big smelly dutes you left all over the floor I was in shock. Piecing it together I’m guessing you went down there in the middle of the night and just relieved yourself all over the place without any thought of the morning and my disappointment or the now 61 weeks of training we have endeavored to provide you.

Here we are on week 62 of your training and you still don’t get it. The worst part about it was that I had to leave the big smelly dutes on the floor and take you outside to go pee before I could clean up your “accident” because otherwise we both know you would have just peed on my floor next to your big smelly dutes while I cleaned them up.

Do you know what I want to do when I get out of bed in the morning? I want to go to the bathroom myself! And I don’t want to put on my stupid jogging pants and slippers and my big brown shirt and go stand in the dark and cold so you can walk around and smell the grass and bark at the dark. I wish you would just go out the door and go pee pees and potties like I ask and do it right away. Lately I think you prefer to just go inside on my carpet because it’s nice and warm inside and because you don’t care about my feelings at all.

Then when I came in and remembered that there were great big smelly dutes sitting on the floor and stood there staring at them contemplating how I was going to pick them up, you pretended like they weren’t yours! That so annoyed me. The least you could do at that point is to own up to the fact that you just took a dump on my floor. I liked how you tried to walk past the big brown pile of mess on the carpet and not make eye contact with it like maybe I wouldn’t notice this huge pile of smelly dog pies sitting right there in the middle of my living room.

It sucked big time when I realized we were out of paper towels and I had to go into the bathroom (which by the way is the appropriate place to put your big piles of steaming feces but forget it because I know you aren’t even listening to what I’m saying anyway) and get toilet paper so I could wad it up and grab the now cold pooh piles and take them to the toilet and flush them down and out of my life. Since I didn’t have paper towels I had to make two trips back and forth from your mess pile to the bathroom holding cold smelly poopy piles in my wadded up toilet paper tongs that I made so I wouldn’t get your dung all over my fingers. Then I thought I could smell #2 on my finger which is probably the worst smelling foulness that anyone should ever have to smell so I had to wash my hands repeatedly and all before I HAD A CHANCE TO GO USE THE BATHROOM MYSELF!

You are just totally inconsiderate and self-centered. Do you see me and your mom dropping trou whenever we want to and just relieving ourselves all over our carpet and furniture? When you jump up on the couch, do you ever jump into a big pile that I left there for you? No, of course not. Just once I’d like you to have to clean up poop that I leave on the floor. You would get it all over your paws because you don’t have thumbs or any ability to make toilet paper tongs, you asshole. My mother warned me about you and I should have listened.

Now, I love you and I want what’s best for you. Really, I wish it were ok for you to drop your kibble pellets on my carpet and then we’d all be happy living in amongst the eukanuba-dute-strewn landscape of our living room, but this isn’t reality. The reality is that my carpet won’t ever be the same and its all because of you. I really want you to start to make some sort of effort to only go potties when you are outside. I’m not even going to get into the inside pee-pee problem, but you know what I’m talking about. I hope you enjoy your stay at the vet tonight getting shots from Dr. Beste with the cold rubber gloves and nose acne.

by: Your Loving but Disappointed Master

Instead of creating resumes where everyone tells lies about their experience and talents, I wish people would just tell me why they are irresistible. It would save us all a lot of time and effort getting to know people and finding out they aren't all that their resume has them cracked up to be.

Here’s my: Why I find myself irresistible resume.

I like to work hard and get stuff done. I’m a real people person and I like a lot of good jokes. I like to smile and I like to have fun. Having fun is great.

I listen to music, and my taste in music is better than anyone else I’ve ever met. I like only good music.

I collect coins and rare paper currency.

I try to get the garbage out to the curb on Sunday evenings, and I hardly ever forget.

I have a .22 rifle.

I made the painting above by myself using only the Microsoft Paint program.

I have a box of fireworks that I keep in my garage with a lighter and matches.

I can cook on the grill and it tastes great.

I’m #1 most of the time.

My mouth says no, but my eyes say yes.

When I was younger I collected matchbox cars and I played in the flower bed with them all the time with my friend Barry.

I chopped a tree down the other day and it was like 25 feet tall!

I change the oil in my car all the time by myself.

I often find quicker or more scenic routes to and from work.

I subscribe to hunting magazines.

I can catch and throw a tennis ball using only one hand.

I can trick my dog into thinking I've thrown the tennis ball when really its just behind my back.

I call my cats to breakfast and dinner by whistling and they come when I whistle.

I can eat an entire bag of Red Hot potato chips without taking a drink.

I have bonfires with flames that shoot up through the sky.

I have like 5 mouse traps in my garage and I’ve caught 10 mice so far this year. I'll probably catch like 400 before the year ends.

I saw a snake in the grass last night and I didn’t get scared.

I had to spank my dog one time and I did it without getting all emotional about it until later when I felt bad and had to apologize.

I make good coffee unless the stupid filter falls over and then the coffee grounds get into the coffee and I drink it and get black specks in my teeth. It still tastes great though.

I have a huge plastic Hard Pretzel jar that is almost 1/3 of the way full of coins. There must be upwards of 300 dollars in change in it. 300 dollars will buy you a lot of fireworks.

I buy fireworks on the day after Independence Day because then I get buy-one-get-the-second-one-for-a-dollar type deals.

I always try to get the best deal on my purchases.

I have water balloons that I keep in case I have to fill them up with water and throw them at people when it’s hot out. I also have a few water pistols in case anyone wants to get smart with me.

I put a sticker on my girlfriend’s car of a big racked deer without her permission.

I have four throwing stars.

There’s not a doubt in my mind I’m irresistible, so no references are needed.

by File Boy

WHO CAN TAKE A SUNRISE. . .

Come on! Sing it with me people!!!!

. . . sprinkle it with dew

The Freakin’ Candyman!

I think he's on the phone ordering GUMBALLS!

Image Borrowed From Accuweather.com

National Weather Service Statement for New Castle Co, DE and surrounding areas (partial):

PRECIPITATION IS FORECAST TO FALL AS RAIN TODAY AND TONIGHT...THENCHANGE TO SNOW LATE FRIDAY AND FRIDAY NIGHT AS TEMPERATURES DROPBELOW FREEZING. BECAUSE OF THE RECENT WARMTH...SNOW WILL BE SLOWTO ACCUMULATE AT FIRST. HOWEVER...TWO TO FOUR INCHES OF SNOW ISPOSSIBLE FROM LATE FRIDAY AFTERNOON INTO FRIDAY NIGHT OVER NEARBYNORTHERN, EASTERN, AND WESTERN PHILADELPHIA SUBURBS AND NORTHEASTALONG THE INTERSTATE 95 AND ROUTE ONE CORRIDORS. RIGHT IN ANDAROUND PHILADELPHIA, AND JUST TO THE SOUTH, ONE OR TWO INCHES MAYOCCUR. HIGHER AMOUNTS ARE FORECAST WELL TO THE NORTH AND WEST OFPHILADELPHIA, WHERE A WINTER STORM WATCH IS IN EFFECT. THE SNOWCOULD BE OF THE WET AND HEAVY VARIETY...WHICH WOULD MAKE CLEARINGOF ROADWAYS DIFFICULT. HAZARDOUS TRAVELING CONDITIONS ARE POSSIBLELATER FRIDAY INTO EARLY SATURDAY.

Ribbons, Ribbons and more Ribbons!!

Compassion is super sexy, and ribbons support compassion. Ribbons make you feel sexy and compassionate.

I was driving to work about 8 months ago and noticed that the car ahead of me had like 5 magnetic support ribbons on the back of their car. A ribbon on the back of a car is like an advertisement to look at someone's car's backside. Sexy, right? I thought to myself that it was super sexy of this person to have 5 ribbons slapped all over the backside of their car. I assume they knew what they were doing when they arranged the magnets all sexy like that. It made me feel sexy thinking of how supportive this person must be and how they like to support sexy causes. I started fantasizing about supporting myself with a ribbon in super sexy ways and possibly sexing other ribbons with my support and ribboning sexy supporters. I was sexy and the ribbons ahead of me supported my sexy feelings. I decided to support the sexy ribbons on the car ahead of me and supported the sexy sports support ribbon. “Your magnetic support ribbons make my heart pound and my body sexualize”, I thought. Then, softly I whispered to the car in front of me, “Shhh. I’m rubbin’ your ribbon”.

I know you know what I'm talking about.

As sexy and supportive as those ribbons were, I thought, "if I had a ribbon for every time I saw a ribbon support magnet...". Then I began to wonder if we as sexy and compassionate Americans have enough ribbons? Isn’t there a worthy and sexy cause that needs its own sexy compassionate magnetic support ribbon but doesn't have one?

Any new ribbon has to be original. I don't want no stinking ribbon for the troops, breasts, aids, Jesus, Child Abuse, Pets, Peace, Pot, Steelworkers, USA, Patriotism, POW/MIAs, any sports team or any other played-out cause.

Then it hit me. They don't have a “Support the Supporters” Ribbon, do they?

So, now I’ve developed one. You should support this sexy and super compassionate American cause too.







To help with the launching of this new compassionate cause I’ve also developed a ribbon game. Next time you’re in your car, see how many ribbons you can count on your way in to work. I drive 30 miles each way to work, and I’ve counted over 100 ribbons during a one way drive. The rules are simple, you can count any ribbon in any lane (oncoming or traveling with you), parking lots, overpasses, etc… Anywhere there is a ribbon magnet counts.

Note: If you see anyone of color sporting a supporting ribbon, let the local authorities know. I don’t think anyone of color has ever purposely affixed a ribbon on their car. If you see one, the car is either stolen or was recently purchased used.

By Sexy Sports Magnet

Make Snow From Boiling Water!

Mount Washington, NH had a temperature of -37 the other day, so while it was about that cold (-34.8) the crew performed some boiling water into snow experiments. I could tell you about it, or you could just click this link and see for yourself!

by File Boy

Find The Phony!

Which of the following CNN News Stories is a phony? Can you spot which one it is?

For Your Information News and Report Time With Commentary From Our Editor’s Desk Who Likes To Gather News From All Over The Place And Break It Down So Anyone Can Understand What’s Going On Out There In The Real World

For Your Information News and Report Time With Commentary From Our Editor’s Desk Who Likes To Gather News From All Over The Place And Break It Down So Anyone Can Understand What’s Going On Out There In The Real World is a new service offered at Why I Shoot Stuff which gives you breaking headline news from around the world in a format that’s easy to understand. News items are broken down and discussed, and put into perspective for our readers.

Today's installment: I Feel Bad For Women Because They Can’t Drive

Oops! How'd that get in here?

I think women drivers are putting me on with the way they are driving. I think me and everyone around me is in danger when women get behind the wheel. I would compare women drivers to male drivers who have had one too many at the local watering hole. Even then, it’s a toss-up.

I heard that the Canadian Automobile Association is calling on every provincial government in Canada to adopt strict rules that would restrict women from driving around like idiots and causing traffic delays and messing shit up all the time. That’s what I heard.

I read somewhere that CAA President David Flewelling said restricting women from using “…our roads [allows drivers to] truly focus on the driving task.” Women do not focus on the driving task. Women focus on other shit, like make-up and touching the stereo presets which pisses me off real bad."It is also our hope that a preventative measure like this one will create a generation of motorists who recognize the severe implications of…” women drivers.

Women are good for one thing, so they should concentrate on that and leave the driving to men. So the question becomes: Should women be banned from driving altogether? I certainly hope so because they can’t do it very well. If God meant for women to drive He would have given them a penis.

Take my wife. No, seriously, take her.

Mr. Anthony Partel of Chicago said it isn’t just a matter of Canadian women who suck really bad at driving. Women in the U.S suck real bad too. In fact, U. S. women might be the absolute worst! “Every morning when I see someone driving all shitty, changing lanes and swerving, with her little cosmetics visor mirror down, I can tell before I see who’s driving that it’s a women. I call it out loud. I yell, ‘woman driver!’ as she passes me. I’m about 95% accurate.”

One time I heard this scientist say: “Women can’t handle an automobile, much the way women can’t balance a checkbook, throw a baseball or run fast. It isn’t their fault. God gave them curves, He didn’t mean for them to be driving on them.” I’m sure scientists don’t just run around saying shit that’s inaccurate. If a scientist said it, I can guarantee it’s true.

Evidence has shown that cars are not dangerous for the young, the old, males, the middle-aged, the handicapped, the balding, overweight, the skinny, drivers with diseases, persons suffering from severe abdominal cramping and/or diarrhea, animals, prisoners, the deaf or any other driver other than women, with the possible exception of some foreigners and minority groups. According to a study released in April 2006 by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, “the many forms of poor driving” by women “account for distractions which are collectively responsible for as many as eight out of every ten crashes”.

Women get all mad when you tell them the truth. They can’t drive because they don’t have common sense and they are not logical. Women are good for one thing. Maybe two, if you train them.

"Driver distraction is the greatest unreported traffic safety issue in Canada," said Flewelling.

Widely circulated news stories of women drivers in accidents could help give movements like this more traction, and eventually make cars off-limits for women drivers and possibly limit the use of bicycles for women as well.

I think women should be given a sports helmet, knee pads and shin guards and then told to roller skate to work. They would have to use the metal roller skates that attach over their shoes. That would be some funny shit since women always like to wear high heels and panty hose. Then the traffic would be cut in half and men could drive sensibly to work and always be on time and women would be on the shoulders of the highway with their ridiculous metal roller skates. I bet their metal roller skates would shoot sparks out because they were moving so fast as the women try to get some momentum before going up hills. I’d tell the cops to set a minimum speed limit of like 40 and then set “skate-traps” at the tops of hills. Women would be all out of breath going like 2 and then the cops would pull them over and give them tickets or a stern warning. I bet if women had accidents and rear-ended each other they’d cause big roller skate pile-ups! But that wouldn’t slow the men down. We could drive past the stupid roller skating women and honk and wave. The women would be sad because they lost their driving privileges for sucking so bad at driving. But they’d have themselves to blame.

For additional resources see this article on Women Drivers

By File Boy

Bush Bumper Stickers! On Sale Now!

Here's a collection of popular BUSH bumper stickers. Which one is YOUR favorite?

1. Embarrassed in '04 / Horrified in '05 / Terrified in '06

2. 1/20/09: End of an Error

3. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

4. Let's Fix Democracy In THIS Country First

5. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran

6. Bush. Like a Rock! Only Dumber.

7. You Can't Be Pro-War And Pro-Life At The Same Time

8. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

9. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed By An Elephant

10. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

11. George Bush: Creating The Terrorists Our Kids Will Have To Fight

12. Impeachment: It's Not Just For Blowjobs Anymore

13. Give Bush A Blowjob So We Can Impeach Him, Too

14. America : One Nation, Under Surveillance

15. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

16. Which God Do You Kill For?

17. Cheney/Satan '08

18. Jail To The Chief

19. Who Would Jesus Torture?

20. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade?

21. Bush: God's Way Of Proving Intelligent Design Is Full Of Crap

22. Bad President! No Banana.

23. We Need A President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

24. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

25. Buck Fush

26. Rich Man's War, Poor Man's Blood & Guts

27. Is It Vietnam Yet?

28. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either

29. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.

30. Impeach Cheney First

31. Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too

32. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

33. The Republican Party: Our Bridge To The 11th Century

Order Now! Limited Supply!

by d.tkon

I've been thinking that its a shame that we don't have any good Chinese sitcoms here in America. Here's one I've been working on lately.

Rush Family Before Chinese Make-over

Rush Family After Chinese Make-Over

Prot summary for Chinese Sitcom

“Everybody Reave This Prace Now, So That I May Increasey My Comfort”

This Chinese situation comedy will be loosely based off of the hit American sitcom from 1980, “Too Close For Comfort”. In it, Jackie and Sarah Rush are two grown sisters who live in half of a duplex. Their parents, Henry and Muriel, live in the other half. Though one might think this proximity may be fun, both sides often feel that they want to ask that “everybody reave this prace now, so that I may increasey my comfort”, in this half-hour situation comedy.

"Everybody Reave This Prace Now, So That I May Increasey My Comfort" tells the story of the Rush family. The parents are Veteran Cartoonist Henry Rush (played by Ted Knight of "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" and "Caddyshack") and his wife Muriel (Nancy Dussault), a freelance photographer/housewife. The two actors will play a Chinese couple who have recently moved to America, and have bought a two-story duplex apartment house on 171 Buena Vista Avenue East in the Haight-Asbury section of San Francisco. They are also the parents of two daughters, 21 year-old brunette Jackie (Deborah Van Valkenburgh), a bank teller/fashion designer and 19 year-old blond bombshell Sara (Lydia Cornell), a college student who takes whatever jobs she can get. The two daughters are also played by American actors acting Chinese! The Rushes live in the two-bedroom second story. Henry, who works out of the couple's bedroom, is overprotective, strict, and conservative to his wife and daughters about responsibility. “Wrap your feet more tightry to avoid bringing shame on honorable famiry” he arways rikes to say. Sometimes he rikes to ring a gong rearry roud too.

All of a sudden, Rafkin, a transvestite who lived in the first story apartment dies, so Henry reluctantly decides to rent it to Jackie and Sara. Rafkin liked to dress up as a woman, but he’s actually a man! But he’s dead now anyways.

Monroe Ficus (Jim J. Bullock), Sara's college friend and Henry's "#1 worst bad time nightmare" is an accident-prone geek and a pariah to the family. Monroe regularly visits the house every day and laughter will often ensue. Monroe might come in wearing roller blades and accidentally skate through the sliding paper doors that the Chinese like so bad. Other times Monroe might spill milk into the rice bin and then the rice expands until the bin explodes! Monroe is pretty funny.

The pressures and stress-related tensions from Monroe have begun to crose in on Henry, interrupting his career and wrecking his rife (and the house!!). But everyone laughs because Henry “no speaky good engrish” and he will get flustered and start to yell at Monroe. Henry is all like, “Monroe, you bring dishonor on famiry!” or “Monroe, you are #1 worst bad time nightmare!” Monroe ia a gay, so that’s pretty funny too.

One thing’s for sure, Henry and Muriel will learn that two daughters, in need of independence, riving downstairs and a misfit who destroy everything can make them wish that “Everybody Reave This Prace Now, So That I May Increasey My Comfort”!

“Monroe! You wrecky my duprex!”

by File Boy

Robots freak me out big time.

Have you ever stopped to think about how scary robots are? They are made of metal and they have wires for brains. They don’t go to the bathroom and they don’t have to sleep. I think they run on batteries. That’s freaky and weird.

Sometimes robots go on a rampage which is scary, plus they don’t listen to reason. They can rampage all over the place leaving nothing but mayhem and mass murder in their paths. It will be a bloodbath if this ever happens again.

I’ve heard some robots are bullet proof so you can’t just shoot them. I think if you had a really big bucket of water you could probably short circuit them or something -- that is if you could get close enough to do it. But probably the robot would see you coming and then he could shoot you before you got close enough with your bucket. You could probably lure a robot into a pond if you told him there were helpless old timers in there that he could shoot.

You might try spraying him with a garden hose from a distance, but you better hope it works, otherwise he’ll just shoot you.

I’m not talking about when people “do the robot” or do the "frobot".

I think robots will probably one day run the world and make us do their chores. We’ll probably have to mow their lawn, vacuum their houses and do other really terrible jobs that robots don’t want to do. Of course we’ll all have ourselves to blame because we’ve treated robots so poorly for so long. The robots will probably lord it over us that we created them, but look who’s the master now. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if it turned out that robots aren’t very friendly.

I saw a movie about a Terminator robot one time which proves my point. This robot shoots everything in sight and then I think he kills another robot towards the end. That’s probably the only way to get rid of robots in the first place, make more robots. The robots you make to defeat the first robots have to have better guns. But then if those second robots get out of hand, then you have to build more robots. These robots probably wouldn’t even use guns, they would just use lasers. I think three generations of robots would be enough to fix the problem. Probably we could build a fourth set in case the third set failed or in case it turned on us. These robots would be able to fly.

In conclusion I think you can see the dangers associated with creating robots. I think we should look into this more closely.

Thank you.

File Boy