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Today's installment: I Feel Bad For Women Because They Can’t Drive

Oops! How'd that get in here?

I think women drivers are putting me on with the way they are driving. I think me and everyone around me is in danger when women get behind the wheel. I would compare women drivers to male drivers who have had one too many at the local watering hole. Even then, it’s a toss-up.

I heard that the Canadian Automobile Association is calling on every provincial government in Canada to adopt strict rules that would restrict women from driving around like idiots and causing traffic delays and messing shit up all the time. That’s what I heard.

I read somewhere that CAA President David Flewelling said restricting women from using “…our roads [allows drivers to] truly focus on the driving task.” Women do not focus on the driving task. Women focus on other shit, like make-up and touching the stereo presets which pisses me off real bad."It is also our hope that a preventative measure like this one will create a generation of motorists who recognize the severe implications of…” women drivers.

Women are good for one thing, so they should concentrate on that and leave the driving to men. So the question becomes: Should women be banned from driving altogether? I certainly hope so because they can’t do it very well. If God meant for women to drive He would have given them a penis.

Take my wife. No, seriously, take her.

Mr. Anthony Partel of Chicago said it isn’t just a matter of Canadian women who suck really bad at driving. Women in the U.S suck real bad too. In fact, U. S. women might be the absolute worst! “Every morning when I see someone driving all shitty, changing lanes and swerving, with her little cosmetics visor mirror down, I can tell before I see who’s driving that it’s a women. I call it out loud. I yell, ‘woman driver!’ as she passes me. I’m about 95% accurate.”

One time I heard this scientist say: “Women can’t handle an automobile, much the way women can’t balance a checkbook, throw a baseball or run fast. It isn’t their fault. God gave them curves, He didn’t mean for them to be driving on them.” I’m sure scientists don’t just run around saying shit that’s inaccurate. If a scientist said it, I can guarantee it’s true.

Evidence has shown that cars are not dangerous for the young, the old, males, the middle-aged, the handicapped, the balding, overweight, the skinny, drivers with diseases, persons suffering from severe abdominal cramping and/or diarrhea, animals, prisoners, the deaf or any other driver other than women, with the possible exception of some foreigners and minority groups. According to a study released in April 2006 by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, “the many forms of poor driving” by women “account for distractions which are collectively responsible for as many as eight out of every ten crashes”.

Women get all mad when you tell them the truth. They can’t drive because they don’t have common sense and they are not logical. Women are good for one thing. Maybe two, if you train them.

"Driver distraction is the greatest unreported traffic safety issue in Canada," said Flewelling.

Widely circulated news stories of women drivers in accidents could help give movements like this more traction, and eventually make cars off-limits for women drivers and possibly limit the use of bicycles for women as well.

I think women should be given a sports helmet, knee pads and shin guards and then told to roller skate to work. They would have to use the metal roller skates that attach over their shoes. That would be some funny shit since women always like to wear high heels and panty hose. Then the traffic would be cut in half and men could drive sensibly to work and always be on time and women would be on the shoulders of the highway with their ridiculous metal roller skates. I bet their metal roller skates would shoot sparks out because they were moving so fast as the women try to get some momentum before going up hills. I’d tell the cops to set a minimum speed limit of like 40 and then set “skate-traps” at the tops of hills. Women would be all out of breath going like 2 and then the cops would pull them over and give them tickets or a stern warning. I bet if women had accidents and rear-ended each other they’d cause big roller skate pile-ups! But that wouldn’t slow the men down. We could drive past the stupid roller skating women and honk and wave. The women would be sad because they lost their driving privileges for sucking so bad at driving. But they’d have themselves to blame.

For additional resources see this article on Women Drivers

By File Boy