New Jersey Reacts To Governor’s 'I Should Be Dead' Message

"I'm New Jersey Gov. Jon Corzine, and I should be dead."

That's how Corzine's new public service announcement promoting seat belt use begins, and many in the viewing area will hear it on the radio and television stations across the country, starting Thursday.

“We’re New Jersey Citizens, and we think you should keep trying, you monkey balling tit biggler” New Jersey said after hearing Corzine’s message.

Corzine was seriously injured in an April 12 car crash in which he wasn't wearing a seat belt, and now he's urging listeners to click it so they won't have to live with the mistake of not wearing a seat belt.

New Jersey: “Thank you for sharing your 20/20 hindsight with us. We don’t care that you almost died. We would have replaced you with another useless and overpaid governor in like 10 minutes flat. Do you know how many married men with girlfriends and checkered pasts are in line waiting to run the filthiest and most corrupt state in the union? Fuhgetaboutit.”

The governor worked with the National Highway Transportation Safety Administration to produce the message, which was targeted for release just before the big Memorial Day travel weekend.

It's also meant to reinforce the current "Click It or Ticket" seat belt enforcement campaign by law enforcement agencies across the country.

“It took a remarkable team of doctors and a series of miracles to save my life, when all I needed was a seat belt,” Corzine said in the announcement.

“And all we need are ear plugs whenever we see your pansy-ass whining on your stupid commercial”, New Jersey opined.

And Corzine’s PSA brought at least one person to tears.

“It's hard because he would have been dead, but now he knows to wear a seat belt,” Lisa Davidson of Pennsauken, said. “I hope he does it from now on.”

Davidson was in a serious crash herself once and recalled the pain of staring death in the eye.
“I've been in that position,” she said. “I was in a bad accident. I should be dead myself, but because I had a seat belt on, it saved my life.”

New Jersey: “I wish Lisa Davidson forgot to wear her seatbelt that day”.

Davidson said she hopes drivers who don’t wear seat belts will take another look at a man who got a second chance of life.
“I hope people listen and take it seriously,” she said. “How you can lose your life by something small like that, but not wearing a seat belt.”

New Jersey: “Yeah, you dumb ass. You can lose your life by playing with rocket fuel too. What an ass-wipe, seriously.”

Bull Plays Along With Farmer To Get Cow-tang, Bides Time

Smyrna, DE -- Snort.

Transcript from The View for May 17th:

O’DONNELL: …… I just want to say something. 655,000 Iraqi civilians are dead. Who are the terrorists?

HASSELBECK: Who are the terrorists?

O’DONNELL: 655,000 Iraqis — I’m saying you have to look, we invaded –

HASSELBECK: Wait, who are you calling terrorists now? Americans?

O’DONNELL: I’m saying if you were in Iraq, and the other country, the United States, the richest in the world, invaded your country and killed 655,000 of your citizens, what would you call us?

HASSELBECK: Are we killing their citizens or are their people also killing their citizens? O’DONNELL: We’re invading a sovereign nation, occupying a country against the U.N.

What say you?

Soaring Gas Prices Cause More Sticker Shock

Sticker Shock Ignites Man, Car

Wilmington, DE -- There is more sticker shock at the pump as gasoline prices hit another record high.

Recent prices have surpassed 3 dollars in many locations in our area. The recent surge in gas prices has left many in utter shock.

Mr. Andre Hemphill drove a 1993 Honda Civic, a car his wife says he bought because it was “good on gas”.

But what Andre Hemphill found at the Gas-n-Go late Sunday put him in shock. A shock, police say which was responsible for setting off a chain of unfortunate events late yesterday afternoon.

“Oh yeah, Dre comes in every Sunday” said Gas-n-Go station attendant Billy Ray. “He likes to get his gas here because we’re close to his house, and we always have a competitive price [for our gasoline]”.

According to police records Mr. Hemphill pulled into the Gas-n-Go at around 7:30 p.m. Sunday, and parked his 1993 Honda Civic next to gas pump #3.

“That’s the pump he always uses. I think he has OCD” Mr. Ray told police.

According to the police report, “At that time the individual (Mr. Hemphill) left his car and looked up at the sign that indicates the cost per gallon of Gas-n-Go’s gasoline products. It was at that time that Mr. Hemphill became shocked at the high prices”.

It is unclear whether the sticker shock that ignited the inferno was a result of the $3.09 regular unleaded, or if Mr. Hemphill noticed the $3.39 price per gallon of the premium unleaded.

“Everyone knows that electricity and gasoline don't mix. He was a nice man” Ray told firefighters at the scene of the horrific hellfire.

by File Boy

Candidates Receive Endorsements In Battle For City Hall In Philadelphia

The battle for City Hall is heating up in the final hours of the mayoral primary.

A new poll released on Friday shows Tom Knox and Michael Nutter in a statistical dead heat.

That’s why the announcement today from Jesus Christ that He would be throwing His support to mayoral candidate Michael Nutter’s campaign has come as such a huge setback for Tom Knox.

“With the primary set for today, any help is appreciated, but Jesus Himself? Christ that’s huge” said Knox at a rally staged earlier today.

The announcement from Christ came just hours before the primary was set to open.

What it looks like when Christ shines down His love on you

Other endorsements of note include Tom Knox’s support received from City Councilwoman Jannie Blackwell who made the announcement Wednesday in the Fairmount section of Philadelphia.

Knox is backing City Council candidates who could choose Blackwell as council president. Democratic candidate Bob Brady is also stacking up new endorsements.

Several more groups are backing Brady, including Fairmount Park and Recreation workers, correctional officers and the parking authority.

Brady is campaigning as a labor supporter. The police and fire unions have also endorsed Brady.

More than a dozen elected officials, including a coalition of state senators, representatives and councilpersons, have backed candidate Dwight Evans.

"Dwight Evans? Who the hell is Dwight Evans?" Christ said just after his announcement this morning.

Analysts familiar with the powers of Christ believe Christ’s support will help to carry Nutter to a landslide victory in Philadelphia today.

“You can do a lot of things, but you can’t beat Jesus” Brady was quoted as saying earlier today.

"Jesus, these guys would be lost without me, you know? So I try to lend my support to the guy who will do his best for Philly" Christ said.

Two Girls Kissing

The chick on the right . . . is her nose too big?

Some say there is no limit to what you can find on the internet, but I personally know this to be false.

File Boy

Spring Means Thinking Playground Safety

200,000 Kids Injured On Playgrounds Each Year

Each year, about 200,000 children are injured on playgrounds. Parents often fail to protect children and to use accidents as a means for learning. The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission wants to remind caregivers how to protect and teach them as part of National Playground Safety Week.

The group’s tips include:

• Never attach ropes, jump ropes, clotheslines or pet leashes to equipment because they can present a strangulation hazard. The pleasure of child strangulation should be reserved for the parents of the child, and should only be enjoyed indoors, away from prying eyes.

A great opportunity to teach a child they've done wrong is immediately following a serious accident - 'strike while the iron is hot' as they say

• Make sure children remove helmets before playing. Helmets can become entrapped in equipment. If your child insists on wearing a helmet, fill it with poison ivy to help break the habit.
• Sharp points, edges, open "S" hooks and protruding bolts teach a child that old saw “no pain, no gain”.

This child probably gained from his pain

• Purchase used play equipment from strangers over the internet to save on equipment costs. Metal play equipment lasts longer than plastic equipment and will stand up to repeated jolts associated with the contact of children’s bones. Metal play equipment also attracts electricity which will help children to learn the concept of dangerous lightning.
• Spaces between guardrails or ladder rungs should be from 3½ inches to 9 inches so that they will present an appropriate entrapment hazard. Being trapped for several hours ought to cure that sissy of his corny claustrophobia.

Cost saving tip! Construct your own playground equipment and save! A little scrap metal, a tig welder and some old spray paint is all you need! Learn through trial and error and eventually you'll have a nice play set that will last a summer or two.

• For equipment over 8 feet high, put down a few sheets of newspaper or let your grass grow an inch or two higher than normal to help break their fall. For equipment up to 8 feet high, no action is required on your part. Probably nothing will happen anyway.
• Consider ways to teach children that we live in a dog-eat-dog world. One creative way to get this message across to children is to arrange for someone to bring a large dog to the playground at the same time that your annoying neighbor is walking his Chihuahua.
  
  

• We live in a fast-paced world. Teach children about speed by greasing up the equipment with butter during the night. You can also “accidentally” leave some actual speed lying around.
  

CPSC also plans to issue an updated handbook on playgrounds for designers and home owners later this year.

by File Boy

New Jersey Governor Corzine First NJ Governor to be Involved in Auto Accident While in Office...

However, Reports Indicate High Likelihood that McGreevey was Repeatedly Rear-Ended While in Office

Now Gay Former Governor Considering Priesthood

Picture of McGreevey While In Office (note: Shiny bratwursty lips of ex-governor)

NEWARK, N.J. -- James E. McGreevey, the nation's first openly gay governor, has become an Episcopalian and wants to become a priest in that faith, according to a published report.

For a man who has accomplished so much (was elected governor, met numerous men in clandestine settings for romance which went undetected almost all of the time, maintained successful homosexual relationships while maintaining a heterosexual marriage, had a family (although some say the news of his gayness nearly rectum), successfully divorced his wife, parlayed his resignation from his governorship into a book deal), becoming a priest was just the next logical step.

The former governor, who was raised as a Roman Catholic, was officially received into the Episcopal religion on Sunday at St. Bartholomew's Church in Manhattan, said the Rev. Kevin Bean, vicar at St. Bartholomew.

In accepting McGreevey into the religion and allowing him to pursue priesthood, the Episcopal Church has taken a large stride towards renouncing what many feel is an “outdated" Bible and developing an understanding and acceptance of different life choices.

It is likely that St. Bartholomew has recognized McGreevey’s accomplishments and that his life’s work has always centered on his definition of holiness and the strict adherence to what he felt were Biblical principles.

With this latest step in his carear, McGreevey has shown that once again, he has used his uncanny ability to turn lemons into fruit punch.

When told of the announcement from St. Bart’s, the sausage-lipped ex-governor said, “While it may be fun to try, you just can’t keep a good man down”.

Probably what McGreevey looked like when he enjoyed a good lip balming.

File Boy

And now for today’s installment of…PULLED FROM THE HEADLINES…

Deer Open Door, Visit Retirement Home

According to Patient, Animals Had Triggered Automatic Door

NEW OXFORD, Pa. -- A pair of deer took a quick tour of a retirement home after one accidentally triggered an automatic door.

The animals wandered the halls of the home Wednesday after one stepped on a mat that triggered a clear sliding door, according to a patient in the home for the elderly and insane.

"They were trying to get in because it was taco day," said Fran Buchman, an 88 year old resident of the Cross Keys Village/The Brethren Home Community.

The police report taken shortly after the incident reveals the following claims, made by the 88 year old patient of the home:

1.) The deer ran down a hallway on two legs ranting and raving "like lunatics".

Picture of a deer on two legs, taken shortly before the "bludgeoning hoof and rampage tragedy of Tioga County" in PA, 2001.

2.) The deer rode up and down the elevator for a while playing jokes on some of the patients and spreading bewilderment and confusion throughout the home.
3.) The deer went into a cafeteria service area and made tacos for themselves.
4.) The deer ran around and taunted (Buchman).

According to Buchman, the deer then split up. One made it to a loading dock area and escaped through another automatic door, the other jumped through a window. Staff members at the home question Buchman’s story, pointing out that the surveillance cameras recorded no deer activity and staff members who were on duty at the time, reported they never saw the deer.

In a surprising revelation, Buchman’s claims may have been lent some credibility earlier today when the janitorial service responsible for the home confirmed that an “awful mess was found in stall three of the men’s room”, which “…looks as though it was made by a wild animal of some sort”.

What it would probably look like on surveillance cameras if you were watching and a deer suddenly just walked into your store and started walking around looking for bargains and shit

Their adventure took just over a minute, Buchman said.

At a press conference following the “deer invasion” Buchman took the podium and issued the following statement: “they've got jellybeans and coconuts with little hats, candy rats chocolate bats its a wonderland of sweets, find a candy train to town and hear the candy band, candy bells its a treat as they march across the land, cherry ribbons stream across the sky into the ground, turn around be astound at the dancing candy treats, in the candy cave imagination runs so free…I like deer and ice cream and pastries”.

by File Boy