Best Use of Clippers - 2007

Nice hat!

Want to see the runner up?

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Here

it

is . . .

Philadelphia Proclaimed #1!

Congratulations Philadelphia -- Philadelphia #1 – Beating N.Y., L.A., Chicago, Most other Cities!

PHILADELPHIA -- Two people were shot, one of them fatally, at about 7 p.m. Monday in the city's Strawberry Mansion section, police said.

Artistic rendering of a strawberry mansion

Police said both of the shooting victims were men, and the one who survived was taken to a hospital in serious condition.

Investigators collected bullet casings at 30th and Cumberland streets in their investigation but said they had no suspects.

Suspect most likely some sort of "Hustler"

The 128th killing of the year comes on the heels of a bloody, bullet-filled weekend that left 11 people dead across Philadelphia, where drugs and disrespect have trumped brotherly love and the homicide count is on pace to be the highest in a decade.

What it probably looks like in Philadelphia with all the guns

The city has seen more than one killing a day this year, which is indicative of the Herculean effort undertaken by the city to be #1! New York, Chicago and Los Angeles -- whose populations are much larger than Philadelphia's 1.5 million residents -- have had fewer homicides this year. For shame, New York. Tsk, tsk L.A. Better luck next time Chicago.

Probably what all the streets in Philadelphia look like with bodies everywhere

The spike over the weekend was partly blamed on the first warm weather of the season. In the more rural areas of the state warmth usually signals the beginning of the gardening and landscaping season. It may also signal the beginning of ice cream cones and sunbathing. Not in Philadelphia though. Rain or shine, Philadelphia police credit the poverty, the unenforced gun laws and a culture of intimidation that keeps witnesses silent -- and shooters on the streets.

If you lived in the country you'd see gardens with flowers instead of all your corpses

"It's the community's decision right now," said police Capt. Benjamin Naish. "They are the people that must stand up and get angry and say, 'Only 128 and we’re already at the end of April? Can’t we do better?"'

They have, in a way. The countless candlelight vigils, rallies and community meetings have done a great job in increasing the homicides, which are 17 percent higher than last year at this time.

Candlelight vigils will probably fix the problem

Let’s hear it for Philadelphia, #1 once again! Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!

by: File Boy

The Whores Of Mensa . . .

I was so intrigued by the title and concept of this collection of comics that I had to post it. What a wonderful new toy – “The Whores Of ___________” All kinds of things come to mind. The Whores of the White House; of the Vatican; of Congress; oops, that last one was redundant. The Whores of (insert your home town or any city). What a wonderful juxtaposition – thinking to put the word “whores” next to the word “of”. I’m delighted. I can’t stop thinking about it.

I’m sure File Boy’s list will be so long it will crash Google’s server (as it should!) Oh my, let’s see . . . The Whores of 9-11; The Whores of Superbowl XXX (that’s thirty, not what YOU were thinking). The Whores of Microsoft; How about the Whores of Ms. Booty’s 4th grade class. (Actually, they weren’t whores, they were sluts and douche-bags, but who’s checking anyway?)

Who would have thought that Mensa could be infiltrated like that? I thought they were smarter than . . . oh never mind. How about, The Whores of Atlantis; of Disney; of the Serengeti; of aisle 14; of Produce; of the insect world; of TeleMundo; of Channel 6; of Cartoon Network; of Bunk 11; of FSU; of abu ghraib; of The Third Reich; of Capitol Hill (oops again, redundant!)

Anyway, I think you get the point. This is just plain fun! Anyone know any women who were both whores and Mensa candidates/members? I’ve got to get my hands on a copy of that comic book. Life is good.

BEST USE OF POST-IT - 2007

What say you?

Six Million Ways to Die, Chose One

Friday the 13th is a time for being scared about things which are likely going to get you. Some things will get you sooner than later.

Unfortunately, things can and will happen. Reality is oftentimes worse than our imaginations. Trying to learn about what can get you and then trying to avoid it won’t help you, especially on Friday the 13th. Let’s take a look at some of the things that can get you and the odds of any of them happening to you.

Outdoor Fears

The Elements

The Scenario: Being struck by lightning

The Odds: (according to some scientists) 1 in 240,000*

*Since there are 365 days in a given year, and the average person lives for about 75 years, you have 27, 375 days on this earth. If you and 9 of your closet relatives all have the same average life expectancy, you have a collective 273, 750 days on earth. According to my interpretation of the statistic above, on any given day your odds of being struck are 1 in 240,000. If you and your family have a collective 273,750 opportunities to be struck by lightning, I’d say odds are someone will be struck in your family sooner or later. Its just a matter of simple arithmetic people.

Since you’re going to be struck by lightning, or witness one of your family members struck you better know what to do when it happens.

The most common injury is nervous system damage from the voltage. To reduce your risk:

1. Seek cover when you're outdoors and less than 30 seconds pass between seeing the lightning and the following thunder. When you get struck the cover will help to keep you from drowning in a puddle of mud/blood. Plus you’ll probably evacuate your bowels, and it would be nice if you were close to some toilet paper when that happens.
2. Avoid clearings, single trees, and metal objects such as poles and fences. Unless you would rather face the lightning up front and get it over with early in your life as opposed to running scared from it like a little sissy for the rest of your life trying to beat the odds. Then you should go stand on a hilltop and wave a metal pole around until the lightning strikes you.

This is what the lightning will look like as it strikes your head.

The Scenario: Dying in a tornado

The Odds: 1 in 5 million*

*These sound like good odds, but we all know odds can be deceiving. Think about it. If you live near a large city like I do, you know that there are about 5 million people in that city. According to my interpretation of the above odds, someone in your city will be sucked up into a tornado every day of the year. You and I both know sooner or later that someone will be you.

About 60 people are killed each year by tornados; the usual cause of death is flying or falling debris. These tips will help you stay safe during tornados:

1. Know the signs. These include a sharp pain from all the debris flying into your head. You may also notice a house flying around you and cattle flying by like in that movie about twisters.
2. If one is approaching, get out a camera and tape it so you can show your friends later on. I'd bet that the view from your roof is best.
3. It would be cool if you could lay out some toy soldiers when you see the tornado coming. Then you could film them being sucked up into the sky. You'll probably get your film onto Youtube.

This is what the tornado should look like through your camera lens as it approaches.

Animal Attacks
Insects and Snakes

The Scenario: Dying from a bee, hornet, or wasp sting

The Odds: 1 in 5.33 million

About the same odds as tornados. To keep from being stung:

1. I’ve noticed that stinging insects enjoy flying into soda cans and bottles left outside. Try leaving a bottle or a can open for the bees, and then you can put one next to it that’s for you. I think the bees will understand that this is a peace offering and leave your can alone. If this doesn’t work, put out some sugar water or possibly a watermelon to appease them.
2. If a few insects are flying around you but not attacking, begin to swat at them and use swear words. If they continue to buzz around try screaming at them to get the point across.
3. If you're being attacked, stop screaming at them and don’t breathe because you don’t want one of those bees flying up your nostrils and stinging you in your lungs. Wave your arms around so others will know you are in distress. Use the universal distress signals you learned in boy scouts to signal for help.
   

This is what a hornet looks like. Notice his curious demeanor and inquisitive stare. He's wondering if you're going to put out some nice sugar water or not.

The Scenario: Being bitten by a venomous snake

The Odds: 1 in 37,250

To avoid the inevitable follow these tips from the journal American Family Physician:

1. Snakes don’t like to be surprised. If you see a snake, make sure he knows you are around by stomping on the ground near his head. If he fails to acknowledge you, you might try poking him with a stick or throwing small pebbles at him.
2. If nearby snakes seem to be playing dead, verify that they aren’t just pretending by picking them up and shaking them. Most of the time that gets their attention.
3. Once you've verified whether the snake is alive or not you might consider forcing him into a coffee can to add to your specimen collection.

Bang pots and pans together whenever you walk around outside to give the snakes a heads-up that you are coming through. Reptiles appreciate a warning. If it’s dark out you shouldn’t use a flashlight because you might temporarily blind the snake and confuse it. Confused snakes often strike repeatedly until they can get their bearings.

Sharks and Bears
The Scenario: Being attacked by a shark

The Odds: 1 in 11.5 million

You're far more likely to sustain an injury from a toilet seat than a shark, according to the International Shark Attack File (ISAF). That’s pretty scary considering how much you use a toilet.

Tips to avoid a toilet attack:

1. Stay in groups and don’t make a lot of waves in the bathroom.
2. Avoid the using the potty at night and in twilight; toilets are most active then.
3. Avoid wearing shiny jewelry. It attracts toilets.
   
   

The Scenario: Being attacked by a bear

The Odds: 1 in 36 million

Twelve people, on average, are mauled by bears each year in North America. Because you don't want to be one of those 12, heed this advice from Dr. Luanne Freer, president of the Wilderness Medical Society:

1. When entering a park area that's home to bears, bring something tasty to offer the bears to eat.
2. Whatever you bring to feed the bears should be kept safe until the bears come by to eat it. A good place to keep food safe is in your tent where ants won’t get to it. If the ants continue to try to get to the food you might put it in a bag and place it under your pillow.
3. I’ve heard bears like smelly fish and old doughnuts. I’d take both just in case you meet up with a finicky bear. He’ll notice that you took the time to bring something his entire family can enjoy.
   
   

I hope that these tips will help you stay safe, but remember, it’s Friday the 13th so really anything can happen.

Insurance Company Ordered to Pay Boy For Surgery to Reduce His Sexy Breasts, Court Says

MIT SURGERY COVERED COURT FINDS

NEW YORK -- An insurer that refused to pay for a teenage boy's breast reduction surgery on the ground that it was absurd must reimburse his father for the operation, an appeals court ruled Tuesday.

The Supreme Court's Appellate Division decision upheld two lower court rulings that directed Group Health Inc. to pay for the surgery because it was "medically necessary" for the boy to reduce his sexy breasts and lead a normal life.

A GHI spokeswoman said Tuesday she had not seen the decision and could not comment.

In 2004, the then-17-year-old boy's father sued GHI because the insurer refused to pay to reduce the boy's voluptuous breasts, a condition known as bilateral gynecomastia. GHI said the surgery was cosmetic and not medically necessary.

Court papers said the teen, of Hempstead, N.Y., was teased by his peers and never engaged in activities that allowed anyone to see his wonderful breasts. The other children all used to snap his bra and ask to play with his large boobies. The breasty teen’s parents said he would not go to the beach and even refused to attend an out-of-state university, fearing dormitory mates would “pester him for dates” and “throw Mardi Gras beads at him”.

Manhattan Civil Court Judge Barbara Jaffe found in September 2004 that the boy was unable to function as a normal adolescent because of his condition. The Court found that the boy never left his bedroom, where according to Court documents “the boy sat in front of a mirror repeating the phrase ‘I’d do me’”.

Jaffe said the boy's condition was "an objective, tangible and unusual source of turmoil, more akin to a clubfoot or cleft palate than to a large nose, heavy acne or diminutive breasts on an adolescent female, all of which are relatively common."

Jaffe ordered GHI to pay $5,000 to the plaintiff, the father, who had gone ahead with the breast reduction surgery for his son at a cost of $7,500.

In March 2006, the state Supreme Court's Appellate Term affirmed Jaffe's ruling, and on Tuesday the Appellate Division upheld the Appellate Term. The Appellate Term was upheld by Jaffe’s ruling, which upheld the Term of Jaffe’s Appellate affirmation. Term affirm my berm squirm.

The Appellate Division judges, ruling 5-0, rejected GHI's argument that the plaintiff's claim of emotional distress was not supported by a mental health professional. The judges wrote:
"The condition suffered by plaintiff's son was characterized by plaintiff's medical providers as a 'deformity' and, particularly in the case of a 17-year-old male, clearly a devastating condition with 'psychosocial' consequences and abnormal manzier expenses."

The judges said it was "absurd to deny coverage on the grounds that plaintiff's son did not require support from a mental health professional, particularly where the external review decision itself acknowledges that the patient suffers from a 'sore back' and 'brastrap snap and peer flap' from this condition."

A telephone number for the plaintiff, who acted as his own lawyer, could not be found Tuesday.

by File Boy

Question No 1: Male or Female?

Question No 2: At what point do push back from the table and say, “No. I couldn’t eat another bite.”?

Question No. 3: What the hell is this beast so happy about?

Question No. 4: How do you like that mattress?

Question No. 5: What the hell is going on with that leg?

Question No. 6: Did you notice the phone by the bed. “Hello? Yes. It’s me again. The usual, yes. But only half anchovy, and all of your french fries. And a keg-o-cola and twenty pizzas – on the side. And can you send someone who can wipe my ass? Thank you.”

Question No. 7: What the hell does it smell like in that room?

Question No. 8: Has anyone seen the dog?

Question No. 9: How much does it weigh? (bed not included)

Question No. 10: Is that picture nailed to the wall the “Before” picture?

What say you?

by D. Tkon

Oh Chief, I was wondering if you'd sign some of these papers before you left...

Dear God Chief, what are you doing to yourself?! Where are your pants?

Come in Jane. Don't be afraid. You know I've always felt you were a handsome woman. Look upon my body. Can you tell me I'm not damn sexy, Jane?

Chief please! We must not succumb to our earthly desires. We must keep our work ethic intact. Oh chief, this is wrong!

Is it wrong when a man loves a woman? I'm pouring you a vodka tonic right now. Here, have a seat. Do you mind if I take off my shirt?

Would you like to take off that blouse?

Oh my. Well its not as though I haven't felt your gaze upon my body. All these long hours at the bank together....is it any wonder we have found ourselves in this embrace?

mmmmm

oh yeah.

Oh Chief.

that's right. just like that. oh yeah.

I wish you'd all leave me alone you stinkin leaches

If I were a pastor of a church and I had to come up with an inspiring and spiritual message each sunday, that's what I would title my message when I was about to retire.

Then when people were sitting in their pews smiling and waiting for the "hook" or the punchline I'd tell them all to go to hell. That would get them talking. I'd probably be tired of all of them looking at me for guidance all the time so I'd preach about what a waste they all are.

I'd ask them why they even bother since we all know they curse and drink beers when they're at home. Then they all just sit here looking at me with their pious faces. I'd go especially hard on all of the old bags that use my church as a place to socialize. "Get a life you old corpses" is what I'd say.

Then they'd all be in shock because they didn't expect "pastor fancy bible" to tell it like it is, but I'd tell it that way left and right. I'd be up there gyrating my pelvic area and eating McDonalds that I got on my way in this morning. I'd probably get a chocolate milkshake and dunk french fries in it while I was yelling at them. I'd be spitting milkshake all over the people in the first row.

Then I'd rip open my shirt and it would reveal my sexiness and they'd all be in total shock. I'd be all, "That's right bitches" but then I'd feel bad because I said a bad word at church. Then I'd remember they are all just leaches anyway. Its not like any of them even tithe anymore.

I'd do the moon walk all the way down the isle and out the back door. Then they'd get up and expect to shake someone's hand on their way out but that someone would already be driving out of the parking lot laying wheel the whole way. The paint from my car would be sitting there in the parking lot because I drove away so fast.

I'd be sick of all the people calling me thinking I'm Mr. Camden from that show 7th Heaven and trying to get advice from me and getting all up in my business. I'd be like, "Listen, I'm not Mr. Camden you a-hole so leave me alone" and then I'd slam the phone down. That would be pretty funny.

I'd only do this when I was about to retire because in the meantime I'd want to get all of that sweet pastor salary that you always hear about. Just as soon as I saved enough to retire I'd probably tell it like it is.

Sometimes I think that when I retire from blogging I'll tell everyone how it is too. That will be sweet because then you'll all be sad because you came here for laughter and a break in your day but all you got was my yelling all up in your face. I'll be like, "Eat me" and then you'll all cry.

File Boy