I wish you'd all leave me alone you stinkin leaches

If I were a pastor of a church and I had to come up with an inspiring and spiritual message each sunday, that's what I would title my message when I was about to retire.

Then when people were sitting in their pews smiling and waiting for the "hook" or the punchline I'd tell them all to go to hell. That would get them talking. I'd probably be tired of all of them looking at me for guidance all the time so I'd preach about what a waste they all are.

I'd ask them why they even bother since we all know they curse and drink beers when they're at home. Then they all just sit here looking at me with their pious faces. I'd go especially hard on all of the old bags that use my church as a place to socialize. "Get a life you old corpses" is what I'd say.

Then they'd all be in shock because they didn't expect "pastor fancy bible" to tell it like it is, but I'd tell it that way left and right. I'd be up there gyrating my pelvic area and eating McDonalds that I got on my way in this morning. I'd probably get a chocolate milkshake and dunk french fries in it while I was yelling at them. I'd be spitting milkshake all over the people in the first row.

Then I'd rip open my shirt and it would reveal my sexiness and they'd all be in total shock. I'd be all, "That's right bitches" but then I'd feel bad because I said a bad word at church. Then I'd remember they are all just leaches anyway. Its not like any of them even tithe anymore.

I'd do the moon walk all the way down the isle and out the back door. Then they'd get up and expect to shake someone's hand on their way out but that someone would already be driving out of the parking lot laying wheel the whole way. The paint from my car would be sitting there in the parking lot because I drove away so fast.

I'd be sick of all the people calling me thinking I'm Mr. Camden from that show 7th Heaven and trying to get advice from me and getting all up in my business. I'd be like, "Listen, I'm not Mr. Camden you a-hole so leave me alone" and then I'd slam the phone down. That would be pretty funny.

I'd only do this when I was about to retire because in the meantime I'd want to get all of that sweet pastor salary that you always hear about. Just as soon as I saved enough to retire I'd probably tell it like it is.

Sometimes I think that when I retire from blogging I'll tell everyone how it is too. That will be sweet because then you'll all be sad because you came here for laughter and a break in your day but all you got was my yelling all up in your face. I'll be like, "Eat me" and then you'll all cry.

File Boy