Six Million Ways to Die, Chose One

Friday the 13th is a time for being scared about things which are likely going to get you. Some things will get you sooner than later.

Unfortunately, things can and will happen. Reality is oftentimes worse than our imaginations. Trying to learn about what can get you and then trying to avoid it won’t help you, especially on Friday the 13th. Let’s take a look at some of the things that can get you and the odds of any of them happening to you.

Outdoor Fears

The Elements

The Scenario: Being struck by lightning

The Odds: (according to some scientists) 1 in 240,000*

*Since there are 365 days in a given year, and the average person lives for about 75 years, you have 27, 375 days on this earth. If you and 9 of your closet relatives all have the same average life expectancy, you have a collective 273, 750 days on earth. According to my interpretation of the statistic above, on any given day your odds of being struck are 1 in 240,000. If you and your family have a collective 273,750 opportunities to be struck by lightning, I’d say odds are someone will be struck in your family sooner or later. Its just a matter of simple arithmetic people.

Since you’re going to be struck by lightning, or witness one of your family members struck you better know what to do when it happens.

The most common injury is nervous system damage from the voltage. To reduce your risk:

1. Seek cover when you're outdoors and less than 30 seconds pass between seeing the lightning and the following thunder. When you get struck the cover will help to keep you from drowning in a puddle of mud/blood. Plus you’ll probably evacuate your bowels, and it would be nice if you were close to some toilet paper when that happens.
2. Avoid clearings, single trees, and metal objects such as poles and fences. Unless you would rather face the lightning up front and get it over with early in your life as opposed to running scared from it like a little sissy for the rest of your life trying to beat the odds. Then you should go stand on a hilltop and wave a metal pole around until the lightning strikes you.

This is what the lightning will look like as it strikes your head.

The Scenario: Dying in a tornado

The Odds: 1 in 5 million*

*These sound like good odds, but we all know odds can be deceiving. Think about it. If you live near a large city like I do, you know that there are about 5 million people in that city. According to my interpretation of the above odds, someone in your city will be sucked up into a tornado every day of the year. You and I both know sooner or later that someone will be you.

About 60 people are killed each year by tornados; the usual cause of death is flying or falling debris. These tips will help you stay safe during tornados:

1. Know the signs. These include a sharp pain from all the debris flying into your head. You may also notice a house flying around you and cattle flying by like in that movie about twisters.
2. If one is approaching, get out a camera and tape it so you can show your friends later on. I'd bet that the view from your roof is best.
3. It would be cool if you could lay out some toy soldiers when you see the tornado coming. Then you could film them being sucked up into the sky. You'll probably get your film onto Youtube.

This is what the tornado should look like through your camera lens as it approaches.

Animal Attacks
Insects and Snakes

The Scenario: Dying from a bee, hornet, or wasp sting

The Odds: 1 in 5.33 million

About the same odds as tornados. To keep from being stung:

1. I’ve noticed that stinging insects enjoy flying into soda cans and bottles left outside. Try leaving a bottle or a can open for the bees, and then you can put one next to it that’s for you. I think the bees will understand that this is a peace offering and leave your can alone. If this doesn’t work, put out some sugar water or possibly a watermelon to appease them.
2. If a few insects are flying around you but not attacking, begin to swat at them and use swear words. If they continue to buzz around try screaming at them to get the point across.
3. If you're being attacked, stop screaming at them and don’t breathe because you don’t want one of those bees flying up your nostrils and stinging you in your lungs. Wave your arms around so others will know you are in distress. Use the universal distress signals you learned in boy scouts to signal for help.
   

This is what a hornet looks like. Notice his curious demeanor and inquisitive stare. He's wondering if you're going to put out some nice sugar water or not.

The Scenario: Being bitten by a venomous snake

The Odds: 1 in 37,250

To avoid the inevitable follow these tips from the journal American Family Physician:

1. Snakes don’t like to be surprised. If you see a snake, make sure he knows you are around by stomping on the ground near his head. If he fails to acknowledge you, you might try poking him with a stick or throwing small pebbles at him.
2. If nearby snakes seem to be playing dead, verify that they aren’t just pretending by picking them up and shaking them. Most of the time that gets their attention.
3. Once you've verified whether the snake is alive or not you might consider forcing him into a coffee can to add to your specimen collection.

Bang pots and pans together whenever you walk around outside to give the snakes a heads-up that you are coming through. Reptiles appreciate a warning. If it’s dark out you shouldn’t use a flashlight because you might temporarily blind the snake and confuse it. Confused snakes often strike repeatedly until they can get their bearings.

Sharks and Bears
The Scenario: Being attacked by a shark

The Odds: 1 in 11.5 million

You're far more likely to sustain an injury from a toilet seat than a shark, according to the International Shark Attack File (ISAF). That’s pretty scary considering how much you use a toilet.

Tips to avoid a toilet attack:

1. Stay in groups and don’t make a lot of waves in the bathroom.
2. Avoid the using the potty at night and in twilight; toilets are most active then.
3. Avoid wearing shiny jewelry. It attracts toilets.
   
   

The Scenario: Being attacked by a bear

The Odds: 1 in 36 million

Twelve people, on average, are mauled by bears each year in North America. Because you don't want to be one of those 12, heed this advice from Dr. Luanne Freer, president of the Wilderness Medical Society:

1. When entering a park area that's home to bears, bring something tasty to offer the bears to eat.
2. Whatever you bring to feed the bears should be kept safe until the bears come by to eat it. A good place to keep food safe is in your tent where ants won’t get to it. If the ants continue to try to get to the food you might put it in a bag and place it under your pillow.
3. I’ve heard bears like smelly fish and old doughnuts. I’d take both just in case you meet up with a finicky bear. He’ll notice that you took the time to bring something his entire family can enjoy.
   
   

I hope that these tips will help you stay safe, but remember, it’s Friday the 13th so really anything can happen.