Man Eats Whole Goddamn Box Of Donuts!
Wilmington, DE (AP). Moments after consuming the twelfth and final Dunkin Donuts chocolate glazed donut, Wilmington Delaware resident Gary VonCleaff, 46, admitted Monday that eating an entire box of donuts was not originally part of his plan for the evening. "I figured I'd kick back in front of the TV, watch American Idol and Twenty-Four, and maybe enjoy a donut or two," the sated, chocolate-faced VonCleaff said. "But before I knew it, the whole goddamn box was gone."
Originally, VonCleaff had stopped off at the famous fried-dough purveyor's Kirkwood Highway store after work to pick up something for dessert. “I had had a shitty day at work and wanted something sweet to make me feel better. – You know, comfort food. I thought I’d buy a dozen for me, the wife and the kids.” Said VonCleaff. Apparently, VonCleaff’s two children had a school related performance, which took them and VonCleaff’s poorly-aging wife out of the house for the evening. “I was glad the hosebag was out for the evening and took the little bastards with her.” Said VonCleaff.
Recounting the epicurian event, VonCleaff said, “I was minding my own business watching TV. The first two dounuts – I don’t know - they went down just like water. Honestly, I don’t even remember chewing.” Added VonCleaff, “It was weird. I can remember thinking, ‘No!’ and then I was opening the box and choosing over and over. There were so many wonderful flavors to pick from. The cream and jelly-filleds went quickly and I don’t think the crullers should even count, they’re so full of air. Two should equal like one maybe.” VonCleaff added. “I think there’s something magical about the number Seven. Because once I ate the seventh donut, something in me just snapped, and at that point I realized, ‘I’m going for it!’” Said VonCleaff. “I knew I was going to finish the whole goddamn box right then and there. Besides, first of all, I was still hungry and secondly, if my wife came home and found a Dunkin Donuts box with nine donuts missing, she’d have something to say about it. Actually, she’d have something to say about anything, but I wasn’t taking any chances and I just didn’t want to hear any of her shit. Besides, they were fucking delicious!”
Wilmington, DE (AP). Moments after consuming the twelfth and final Dunkin Donuts chocolate glazed donut, Wilmington Delaware resident Gary VonCleaff, 46, admitted Monday that eating an entire box of donuts was not originally part of his plan for the evening. "I figured I'd kick back in front of the TV, watch American Idol and Twenty-Four, and maybe enjoy a donut or two," the sated, chocolate-faced VonCleaff said. "But before I knew it, the whole goddamn box was gone."
Originally, VonCleaff had stopped off at the famous fried-dough purveyor's Kirkwood Highway store after work to pick up something for dessert. “I had had a shitty day at work and wanted something sweet to make me feel better. – You know, comfort food. I thought I’d buy a dozen for me, the wife and the kids.” Said VonCleaff. Apparently, VonCleaff’s two children had a school related performance, which took them and VonCleaff’s poorly-aging wife out of the house for the evening. “I was glad the hosebag was out for the evening and took the little bastards with her.” Said VonCleaff.
Recounting the epicurian event, VonCleaff said, “I was minding my own business watching TV. The first two dounuts – I don’t know - they went down just like water. Honestly, I don’t even remember chewing.” Added VonCleaff, “It was weird. I can remember thinking, ‘No!’ and then I was opening the box and choosing over and over. There were so many wonderful flavors to pick from. The cream and jelly-filleds went quickly and I don’t think the crullers should even count, they’re so full of air. Two should equal like one maybe.” VonCleaff added. “I think there’s something magical about the number Seven. Because once I ate the seventh donut, something in me just snapped, and at that point I realized, ‘I’m going for it!’” Said VonCleaff. “I knew I was going to finish the whole goddamn box right then and there. Besides, first of all, I was still hungry and secondly, if my wife came home and found a Dunkin Donuts box with nine donuts missing, she’d have something to say about it. Actually, she’d have something to say about anything, but I wasn’t taking any chances and I just didn’t want to hear any of her shit. Besides, they were fucking delicious!”
by d.tkon
posted by File Boy & D.Tkon at 5:02 PM
4 Comments:
My favorite lines:
"...which took them and VonCleaff’s poorly-aging wife out of the house for the evening"
"Because once I ate the seventh donut, something in me just snapped, and at that point I realized, ‘I’m going for it!’”"
and
"Actually, she’d have something to say about anything"
Excellent.
I had fun with this one! Thanks for reading and commenting. I've been out of the office most of yesterday and today for . . . well it was work related and involved travel. Tomorrow I'm out for continuing education. So don't look for me until Friday!
DT
Accding to CNN, the answer to our prayers is here:
Scientist Develops Caffeinated Doughnuts
(AP) DURHAM. N.C. That cup of coffee just not getting it done anymore? How about a Buzz Donut or a Buzzed Bagel? That's what Doctor Robert Bohannon, a Durham, North Carolina, molecular scientist, has come up with. Bohannon says he's developed a way to add caffeine to baked goods, without the bitter taste of caffeine. Each piece of pastry is the equivalent of about two cups of coffee.
While the product is not on the market yet, Bohannon has approached some heavyweight companies, including Krispy Kreme, Dunkin' Donuts and Starbucks about carrying it.
OH MY GOD!!!!!! That sounds heavenly! My only concern is, would I still be able to differentiate between the sugar high and the caffeine buzz? Because that's a very important part of my morning. I like to experience both a good caffeine buzz and that racy sugary zzzzzz that you can only get from frosting. Would I still be able to tell or would they both just meld into some sort of cross-buzz. Perhaps it would be a new high altogether, sort of like what I experience when I drink 3 Red Bulls very fast chased by 4 Reses Peanut Butter Cups. It's hard to describe - you just have to feel it for yourself. If you can't get the peanut butter cups, you can just swallow a couple packets of Lik-M-Stick Sugar (Dip Stix). Just don't inhale when you pour it in your mouth or it could get a little dicey.
In the old days, 80mg of Ritalin worked just fine, but it's hard to get these days and random piss tests are a bitch. Plus my sponsor calls frequently (still) and if I talk too fast, he gets all suspicious. That's why I keep my receipts for the Red Bull. Just in case.
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