Dunkin Dumbs It Down
The core market for Dunkin' Donuts is the segment of the population that feels uncomfortable with the word "panini." To accommodate them, the company changed the name of one of their new sandwiches to "stuffed melt," but this isn't the end of their push to make customers more comfortable. Preserve-filled crullers have been renamed “Hydrogenated-fat-soaked dough-balls filled with fruit-flavored sugar, thickened with pectin.” But perhaps the real reason for the name change is that Dunkin Donuts’ employees cannot pronounce words like panini.
In an article (subscription only) in the Wall Street Journal, the marketing and branding teams of Dunkin' Donuts revealed their research has shown there are two main groups in their potential customer base, dubbed "tribes." In the first tribe, there are people to frequent Starbucks. They like the atmosphere there and want their coffees with a couch; Dunkin' locations are too bare-bones for them. The second tribe is the Dunkin' tribe. These make up the core audience for Dunkin' donuts and are "bewildered and turned off by the atmosphere at Starbucks." When they do, perchance, wander into a Starbucks, they "don't get it."
To keep the existing customers happy while bringing in new ones, Dunkin' Donuts is making some changes. In addition to renaming some of their products, they are bringing in new foods, like dough-wrapped pork and "Dunkin' Dawgs" to encourage customers to come in at lunch time, as well as cookies and other baked goods to bring them in, in the afternoons. The pastry cases and espresso bars will be revamped to look flashier, but there will still be no couches. They don't want customers to feel too comfortable because it actually, according to their research, makes the Dunkin' tribe uncomfortable.
Nothing, however, is being done about the “far-east” cultural issue plaguing most Dunkin Donuts. “Vee are dill dudying de issue yessss! Vee mosz certainly are, yes thankyouverymuch!” said Dunkin Donuts CEO Balooh Simdanchaniij. “Yes! YES! You are too bleese to comeagain!” said Simdanchaniij. “Yes! YES! Vileyoo here, you should most definitely dake home as many donuts azyooo can carry please!” said Simdanchaniij. “Wait! WAIT! Here! I vill show to you picture of my vamily. Dis is my daughter Sarita Simdanchaniij; Dis is my daughter Nafshari Simdanchaniij, Dis is my daughter Ramah Simdanchaniij; My son, Rupi Simdanchaniij; My other son who is also my son, Hajari Simdanchaniij; and my wortless-good-for-nuting vife, Shamalanalhalahalhhalaha Simdanchaniij.” Said Simdanchaniij. “Ok! Is dat for here or doo go?”
by d.tkon
The core market for Dunkin' Donuts is the segment of the population that feels uncomfortable with the word "panini." To accommodate them, the company changed the name of one of their new sandwiches to "stuffed melt," but this isn't the end of their push to make customers more comfortable. Preserve-filled crullers have been renamed “Hydrogenated-fat-soaked dough-balls filled with fruit-flavored sugar, thickened with pectin.” But perhaps the real reason for the name change is that Dunkin Donuts’ employees cannot pronounce words like panini.
In an article (subscription only) in the Wall Street Journal, the marketing and branding teams of Dunkin' Donuts revealed their research has shown there are two main groups in their potential customer base, dubbed "tribes." In the first tribe, there are people to frequent Starbucks. They like the atmosphere there and want their coffees with a couch; Dunkin' locations are too bare-bones for them. The second tribe is the Dunkin' tribe. These make up the core audience for Dunkin' donuts and are "bewildered and turned off by the atmosphere at Starbucks." When they do, perchance, wander into a Starbucks, they "don't get it."
To keep the existing customers happy while bringing in new ones, Dunkin' Donuts is making some changes. In addition to renaming some of their products, they are bringing in new foods, like dough-wrapped pork and "Dunkin' Dawgs" to encourage customers to come in at lunch time, as well as cookies and other baked goods to bring them in, in the afternoons. The pastry cases and espresso bars will be revamped to look flashier, but there will still be no couches. They don't want customers to feel too comfortable because it actually, according to their research, makes the Dunkin' tribe uncomfortable.
Nothing, however, is being done about the “far-east” cultural issue plaguing most Dunkin Donuts. “Vee are dill dudying de issue yessss! Vee mosz certainly are, yes thankyouverymuch!” said Dunkin Donuts CEO Balooh Simdanchaniij. “Yes! YES! You are too bleese to comeagain!” said Simdanchaniij. “Yes! YES! Vileyoo here, you should most definitely dake home as many donuts azyooo can carry please!” said Simdanchaniij. “Wait! WAIT! Here! I vill show to you picture of my vamily. Dis is my daughter Sarita Simdanchaniij; Dis is my daughter Nafshari Simdanchaniij, Dis is my daughter Ramah Simdanchaniij; My son, Rupi Simdanchaniij; My other son who is also my son, Hajari Simdanchaniij; and my wortless-good-for-nuting vife, Shamalanalhalahalhhalaha Simdanchaniij.” Said Simdanchaniij. “Ok! Is dat for here or doo go?”
by d.tkon
posted by File Boy & D.Tkon at 3:29 PM
8 Comments:
Out of the park my friend. Love it.
Incidentally, you didn't tell us which tribe you were in. I don't care if it makes me the armpit of this post, but I "don't get Starbucks". Truthfully, I don't really get Dunkin Donuts either. I make my coffee at home, and don't prefer doughnuts (I prefer a breakfast sandwich). If I can't make coffee at home, I head to wawa, which has a pretty good cup-a-joe, and is cheap and fast. Dunkin to me is like 7-11, dirty. And its confusing at D&D - order here, step there, pay here, creamandsugur? go there, pick up here leave there. I feel like I'm dancing. How many Indians can you cram behind that counter my friend is what I want to know. And how am I going to ask this guy if they have flavored creamer I wonder? How does he know how much sugar I want? Wawa - you just pour it yourself, pay and get out. That's the way I like it.
Starbuckers aren't as much a tribe as they are an idea. Buy here and experience what the others can't afford. Come sit on our sticky sofas and surf your blackberry and talk on your bluetooth. ick. no thanks.
I'm not in either tribe either. 99% of my coffee comes from WaWa or from the local ING cafeteria. I don't know who Starbucks pays to vomit on their coffee beans, but talk about an easy job! I hate their coffee. It's not just bad, it's undrinkable. I swear, if you poured it on the street you'd have an instant pot-hole.
Dunkin Donuts isn't much better. Their coffee isn't so bad, but the experience is exasperating.
This is a true story - just happened on Monday this week.
DD: Hello! And Velcome doo Dunkindonuts! Vavoodyoulike?
DT: Um . . . Just a large coffee please. No cream and no sugar.
DD: NO CREAM?! (confused look) Aaaaand NO soogar. Okiedokie my newbestfriend!
DT: (watching 45 minutes elapse on the clock)
DD: Aaaaand yoolike what kind of donut vith dat?
DT: No donut. Just a large coffee please. No cream and no sugar.
DD: NO DONUT?! (confused look – makes eye contact with all 600 employees behind the counter before returning confused look to DT) But? But? (Gestures to all 48 varieties like he’s putting on a tour at the Taj Mahal.) Looook! So many to choose from!
DT: Thanks. But I’d just like a large coffee please. No cream no sugar.
DD: Vhat is your name my friend?
DT: Huh? (confused look)
DD: You’re name! Vat is your name?
DT: It’s Dennis. Why?
DD: Ahhh. Dat explains it! Just a moment before you came in here, I heard a noise! I didn’t know vat id vas! It vent like dis please. Shhhh. “Deeeeennnnnniiiiiisssss!” Just like dat my friend. And now I know! Da donuts! Dey ver calling to you please. Calling your name! Now choose for you what flavor you like please Mr. Dennis.
DT: (Mouth agape – blinking)
What I don't like is that there are 45 people behind the counter, and as you walk in, you are accosted by 42 of them all looking at you and yellin vatdoyouwant at the same time. If you don't immediately shout out "coffee cream and sugar!" and then step to the right, the person behind you gets irritated. They know the drill, and you don't. You know they are instantly thinking, "ughh, who is this jaskass that can't order coffe and step to the right?" When you step to the right I've learned its best to also then take two quick steps backwards so as not to confuse the other masses that you are in line. And that also helps Sanjii to know that Rupi already took your order. But that won't stop him from asking you anyway. Try yelling to that guy that the other guy already got it. Then he looks around (and of course the other guy is in the back scurrying around pouring shit all over the place) and he looks back at you and confirms "OK, you do not want anything today myfriend, NEXT!" Then you're all worried that the other guy heard him and now thinks you've cancelled your order. While all of this is going on you have to keep your eyes on the counter, and simultaneously side-step to the right a few more times. Sooner or later your little Sanjii will reappear with coffee that is hotter than the very molten blazes of hellfire itself, and you don't want him to not see you and just put it on the counter. Once that happens, all bets are off, you're totally f'ed. I mean, who's coffee is it? Is it mine or is it this chick in front of me who ordered a mocha - and I swear if she doesn't stop trying to get in front of me in the cashier line I'm going to pour that coffee on her head. Then you tell the guy at the cashier what you ordered, but who knows if that's what you're getting charged for. I just see his hands flying around, faster than the many arms of Bishnu...
Oh and since we're on the subject, I was telling my fiance today as we drove past a now-closed D&D that I remembered going in there and eating when I was in high school. The good thing about that place was that it was open 24/7. You could roll in there sh_t-can drunk and order one of the all-time best D&D specialties. It was called the Delaware doughnut. What was it? It was a croisandwich. I liked that I could sit there in front of the counter and watch them microwave an egg (which was in a bowl and ended up in the shape of a doughnut - no sh_t! Try it if you don't believe me), and then slap you up a nice samish. I think it cost about a buck 99. Can't beat that. True story, one time, shortly after stumbling into the sh-hole I spied a little cockroach scurrying under the doughnut pan racks. When I told my fiance about it today, her first question was, "So did you still place your order?" You're damn right I did.
OH! That brings back memories! I had a key to my Dad's store when I was a kid and I used to go out with girls and get drunk and then we'd go back to my Dad's store and go into his office and have sex. After that we'd be famished and there was a Dunkin Donuts across the street. It was owned by white people then. White trash used to work there. The chick and I would order coffee rolls or croissant sandwiches and generally eat like pigs. And the food was so damn cheap, just like the girls I was with. It was a lovely time. I eventually stopped going there for after-sex donuts because I got real self-conscious that the lady who worked behind the counter had caught on to my little routine and was giving me dirty looks. So I switched to 7-11 burritos. Now that's good eatin!
Dear File Boy,
I love 7-11. I love their coffee. It's good, it's fast and I can get steamed milk right on the spot to make it more creamier if I want to. I love that sometimes the guy or girl at the register smiles and says, "Just coffee? For you, go home!" And it means that I don't have to pay that day. And they do it because they see me every day. And I've heard them do it to other people, too.
I love their gas. It's always the cheapest. The pumps have the little lever I can push down so I don't have to stand there holding it.
I love the convenience. There's one .5 mi. from my home. And one on every corner.
I love the little Indian lady that says, "Smoke is no good for you." And I say, "I know, I know." She let me hold her baby once.
I love that their Diet Berries 'n Cream Dr. Pepper is at eye level and always stocked.
I love that they have the two tiny illegal parking spaces 10 feet from the door and that people use it as a drive-thru and only park there if they're RUNNING in to get coffee. And if the person parked in the first space is just getting into their car, they wait a moment until that guy leaves so that they can pull forward so that someone else can illegally-but-conveniently park behind them.
I love the guy who is there for 10 minutes every morning picking out lottery tickets and hopefully reading over the winning numbers from the night before. His name is Lenny and every day while I pay at the register, I say, "Did we win?" And he says, "Not yet." And then I say, "We'll try again tonight." Lenny has a good spirit and if anyone in the world deserves to hit the jackpot- it's him. And he tells me when the next multi-million dollar jackpot is. And I never buy a ticket because I've always believed that if God wants me to be a multi-millionairess, he will sent me a 90 year-old sugar-daddy with no family, several estates, an incredible stock portfolio, millions in the bank, a patent on something that will keep the millions rolling in for years- and a very serious heart condition. (I'm talking one good Jump-Out-Of-The-Closet-Screaming-BOO!!!-and-there-he-goes type of heart condition.) It hasn't happened yet, but I'm still praying. (And that, my friend, is why I go to church every Sunday.)
Mostly: I love that every morning whilst stopping in to get my coffee, I'm squeezing past men and women of every race and religion, men and women in business suits, men and women in sweats, men and women in all kinds of uniforms from painters to the Safeway Deli, superclean men and women, semi-dirty men and women. People who could afford a "Starbucks" and people who are counting out $.92 in pennies. And we're all running late. And we all have places to be. And we're all in a hurry. And we're all just trying to make sense of this dark, gloomy world. And we all just want a cup of friggin' coffee to make our day a little brighter. And we all share because we all know that we all need it and we all pass lids and stirrers and step to the side so that someone else can pick their poison (they've got 6 pots regular, 2 pots decaf, 2 pots hazlenut, 1 pot blueberry cream- which is amazing, 1 pot sutra, 1 pot vanilla nut and so many more!). And we're all going to work at jobs we probably hate. And we're all starting our morning the same way. And we're all thinking, "Coffee, coffee, coffee" and not "Black" or "White" or "Hispanic" or "Asian" or "Poor" or "Rich" or "Clean" or "Dirty." We're just politely merging our worlds together for the briefest moment in time. And in that moment we are all smart- and stupid, we are all thoughtful- and selfish, we are all rich- and poor, we are all courageous- and cowardly, we are all kindhearted- and mean-spirited, we are all Americans- and foreigners, we are all-- human. Practically a religious experience.
I think America is better because of the local 7-11's. What is "dirty" to you is considered by myself and so many more, to be the absense of all factors that separate us from each other in this great country. So you make your little coffee at home, you "sometimes" stop at your little Wawa. Where I come from We The People, the huddled masses? We go to 7-11.
Here's the thing about 7-11 - and this may vary by area...Back in the 1980s and early 90s, 7-11 was the best around in my area. It had surpassed Cumberland Farms because it had more selection, it had the nachos and cheese self-serv kiosk, it had hotdogs rolling around on the warmers, always ready. They also had little mini-subs that were pre-maid and in a refrigerator ready for you at any time of the day or night (they may have been three days old, but they were ready when you were). Then, slowly but surely the places got dirtier and dirtier. More often than not, the foreign people began to operate them (which is fine, just curious). More often than not the ATMs at 7-11s were the kinds that you haven't heard of (Cirrus or some other bank not local), which meant that you were charged a fee by your bank, a fee by that bank, and a fee by the ATM operator (up to 6 dollars to use them, no lie). Along came wawa. They not only had everything 7-11 had, but they also put in gas pumps. Their gas was the cheapest around, and they had 15 pumps, well-lit and under a canopy or roof. When you go inside, not only do they have all of the flavors of coffee you could ask for, but flavored creamer, and breakfast sandwiches and hash browns (plus they carry both kinds of coffee lids the domed kind, and the flat kind with peel back sipper). Its all fresh and I've watched them throw away the old breakfast sandwiches and hash browns that still looked fine to me, but they have a 1 hour old policy or something. Then they also have the deli, where you can go in and hit a computer screen and choose what kind of sub you want, and guess what? Its better than subway or any other sub-making place - no kidding. And cheap too. Fresh Rolls. They make it right in front of you. You can chose extra meat, extra cheese, add bacon, toast it or extra mayo. Its great. But what really got me to make the change over to wawa happened during my days as a smoker. I used to go in there and buy wawa cigarettes. They were called "Jacks" and they cost 99 cents per pack. Tasted just like marlboros. The Jacks are long gone (and I quit smoking anyway), but wawa is still the better of the two chains in my area. South of where I live there are Royal Farms, which has many of the same conveniences, but wawa has the ATMs owned by PNC bank, which are free to use, and dispense $10s (as opposed to the $20 mandatory at many other atms). On top of all of that, and this is the part that may be a local phenomenon, 7-11s in and around the east coast are always, always in a bad area. If there's a 7-11 nearby, it means you are in a high crime area where I live. In fact, chances are good that the guy in front of you in line will ask you (no, tell you) he needs money. That is if you made it past the guy out front pan-handling. I'm all for everyone getting along and God bless the huddles masses, but wawa just has better food, better gas (cheaper), better atms, its better lit at night, has more selection and is clean. Can't beat it. But you can go where you want, its America after all.
Wow - those might be two of the best posts I've read this year! (or any year) - Way to go ADDgirl and FB! I'm intrigued! What about Red Bull? You don't mention that. If it weren't for 7-11 I'd have never discovered that very important beverage.
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