Lindsay Lohan Checks Into Rehab
Actress Has Been Attending AA Meetings, U.S. Recoils in Utter Disbelief
Lindsay Lohan has checked into rehab.
"I have made a proactive decision to take care of my personal health. I appreciate your well wishes and ask that you please respect my privacy at this time," said the 20-year-old actress (whose very fame derives from her very public life) in a statement issued Wednesday through her publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnick.
Us Weekly reports that Lohan entered the posh Wonderland Center in Los Angeles at 2:30 p.m. Wednesday, arriving in a sports utility vehicle and clutching a Red Bull.
Zelnick confirmed to The Associated Press in December that Lohan was attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
“Dear God help us all, I didn’t see this one coming”, said Fred Schlippe, editor of Star magazine, “I’m speechless”.
Lohan told People magazine then that she had been going to the meetings for a year.
“Its time like these that shake us to our very core” said the emotional president, George W. Bush when reached for comment at his Texas ranch, “I will alert the international community and begin to plan a summit of world leaders. Holy Shit.” He went on to say.
Sources at the Pentagon confirmed that Vice President Cheney was moved to an “undisclosed location” following the media’s confirmation of the Lohan story.
"I haven't had a drink in seven days. Or anything," the half-witted Lohan said to People. "I'm not even legal to, so why would I? I don't drink when I go to clubs. I drink with my friends at home, but there's no need to. I feel better not drinking. It's more fun. I have Red Bull."
Analysts have reviewed the statement, searching for logic or congruity, but have come up with nothing. “She states she hasn’t had a drink in 7 days, which means she did drink a week ago. Then she goes on to say she isn’t legal to drink, which is true. She then states that she drinks with her friends at home, but there’s no need to, and that she feels better not drinking. It will be months before we can decipher what her statement actually means” said Dr. Hugo of the Institute for Sobriety.
Last July, Lohan was treated for several hours at a Los Angeles area hospital for overheating and dehydration on the set of "Georgia Rule." The LA hospital administered several cc’s of Red Bull until she recovered.
The actress, whose other screen credits include "Mean Girls," "Bobby," "A Prairie Home Companion" and "Freaky Friday," recently had surgery to remove her appendix. In a surprising discovery, doctors have found that the appendix, which has been mischaracterized as a “useless organ”, is actually the organ responsible for sobriety and class.
By File Boy
Actress Has Been Attending AA Meetings, U.S. Recoils in Utter Disbelief
Lindsay Lohan has checked into rehab.
"I have made a proactive decision to take care of my personal health. I appreciate your well wishes and ask that you please respect my privacy at this time," said the 20-year-old actress (whose very fame derives from her very public life) in a statement issued Wednesday through her publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnick.
Us Weekly reports that Lohan entered the posh Wonderland Center in Los Angeles at 2:30 p.m. Wednesday, arriving in a sports utility vehicle and clutching a Red Bull.
Zelnick confirmed to The Associated Press in December that Lohan was attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.
“Dear God help us all, I didn’t see this one coming”, said Fred Schlippe, editor of Star magazine, “I’m speechless”.
Lohan told People magazine then that she had been going to the meetings for a year.
“Its time like these that shake us to our very core” said the emotional president, George W. Bush when reached for comment at his Texas ranch, “I will alert the international community and begin to plan a summit of world leaders. Holy Shit.” He went on to say.
Sources at the Pentagon confirmed that Vice President Cheney was moved to an “undisclosed location” following the media’s confirmation of the Lohan story.
"I haven't had a drink in seven days. Or anything," the half-witted Lohan said to People. "I'm not even legal to, so why would I? I don't drink when I go to clubs. I drink with my friends at home, but there's no need to. I feel better not drinking. It's more fun. I have Red Bull."
Analysts have reviewed the statement, searching for logic or congruity, but have come up with nothing. “She states she hasn’t had a drink in 7 days, which means she did drink a week ago. Then she goes on to say she isn’t legal to drink, which is true. She then states that she drinks with her friends at home, but there’s no need to, and that she feels better not drinking. It will be months before we can decipher what her statement actually means” said Dr. Hugo of the Institute for Sobriety.
Last July, Lohan was treated for several hours at a Los Angeles area hospital for overheating and dehydration on the set of "Georgia Rule." The LA hospital administered several cc’s of Red Bull until she recovered.
The actress, whose other screen credits include "Mean Girls," "Bobby," "A Prairie Home Companion" and "Freaky Friday," recently had surgery to remove her appendix. In a surprising discovery, doctors have found that the appendix, which has been mischaracterized as a “useless organ”, is actually the organ responsible for sobriety and class.
By File Boy
posted by File Boy & D.Tkon at 9:51 AM
5 Comments:
Hey... Watch it buddy... I've had my appendix out and I still have class.
Yeah, it just seemed to work with the article, sorry. I noticed you said you have class, but didn't argue the alcoholic part. So the obvious question is, what are you pouring into your glassy?
Zacly...
sassy
Brilliant! This is beautiful. I love that they moved Dick Cheney to an undisclosed location for no reason. That's the best! I love this.
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