Amerika, Glorious Republic of Islam

I’m a little concerned at the direction of our country with regard to our leading presidential hopefuls. I won’t mention the fact that we have a woman, a Muslim and a Mormon as front-runners right now. At the request of our lone faithful reader, I will outline what your thoughts should be concerning some of the candidates I can think of before my 10 o’clock staff meeting.

There is an alarming number of radical, leftist, hand-wringing, bleeding-heart demoncrats running for their party’s endorsement to become a candidate for presidency. Conversely, the number of Republican candidates who exhibit our brand of good old-fashioned, fundamentalist, neo-fascist, conservativism are dwindling. And it’s not as though we don’t have the number of candidates the demoncrats have. It’s that our candidates are wishy-washy, and many make no attempt to court the vast 8% “core” of Americans who share our far-flung brand of crack pot ideology.

We have Mitt Romney. He seems like a nice, clean-cut fundamentalist, but he isn’t even a Christian! How in the world are we going to vote for a goddamn* mormon? Do you know what they believe? They think some guy named Joseph Smith found some invisible tablets that had stuff written on them, and that you could only see these ridiculous tablets if you were wearing some sort of fancy invisible glasses. JESUS CHRIST, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.* If you can’t see the reality of Christianity then maybe you need some new “magic” glasses. I’m sure if you put them on, you’d see all of the animals on the planet marching onto Noah’s ark that has been proven scientifically to not be able to withhold its own weight without steel reinforcements, and you’d see these animals loading onto the ark at a rate of 50 animals per second for a week straight, which is how fast it would have to happen in order to load a pair of all of the animals on the planet into an ark in one week’s time. They’d all be be cramming their arses onto the fecking ark so they could sail off to some other country that hasn’t cast itself down into the abyss by turning its back on God and electing some mormon dingbat. Plus his name is mitt, which reminds me of hand protection for baseball throwing and hot dish handling.

We have Obama. Now there’s a guy who seems likeable, despite his parents naming him after some crazy ass Islamic hero or something even though they (mother and child) lived in the U.S. of fecking A. Why don’t you take your mosquey, turbon-headed self back to Afgackarack or wherever your people live and enjoy the beheadings over there.

Then we have Huckabee. Vote for him.

We have Fred Thompson, who seems to have all of the necessary stuffed-shirty goodness any over-the-hill candidate should have, but I just don’t know enough about him. And that may be his undoing. He is not energetic. And he’s kind of old. Plus his name is Fred. I can’t vote for “Fred”. I’m sorry, it isn’t presidential enough.

We have Rudy. Rudy is the republican’s effort to get some moderate votes. I say f’ him, and the moderates he rode in on. We don’t want their liberal tendancies mucking things up for us. Rudy believes in abortion (seriously, I think it’s his religion). I can’t elect anyone that prays to an abortion. He has a really bad case of dentures too. If he agrees to changing his name to Toofy Giuliani, I will vote for him because that’s pretty funny.

Jonathan Edwards – I’ve never seen anyone waste so much money and continue to smile. Our only hope is that he can deflate some of the other Demoncrat front-runners’ momentum and confuse the issues somewhat. Not electable.

I think you can see our choices are fairly limited this time around. Should our hopes be dashed and the intelligence of the people of this great country falter, refer to yesterday’s post and begin to stockpile the necessities so you can live until the rapture.

by: fileboy

*Dear God, forgive me for swearing, I think it adds to the post and really gets my point across that this is insanity.

How to Survive the Hilocaust

Ok, first of all, we’re going to need to start saving bottled water. With the inevitable election of the succubus, we all know we’re going to have to stand in long lines, “…days work for a pound of flour” they’ll probably say. What with the mark of the beast and all, I’m sure she’ll ration the water as well. I've already heard pundits proclaiming that "water is the new oil”.

Then again, if you have guns, you can take water from others.

Stock Up On Essentials

Next thing we’ll need to do is buy ammunition. Sooner or later the jack-booted thugs are going to come a calling, and they’re going to want to round up all of our guns. Make sure you have plenty ammo around so you can shoot them.

Hide The Evidence

Burn your books now. When the hell beast takes office, there will likely be a list of forbidden books you’ll have to destroy. My theory is, burn it now, save time later. Start out with your radical religious books (you know, the Bible, your pseudoscientific creation institute propagana, your hunting magazines, etc…) since they’ll be on the list of forbidden reading materials. Save all other books so you can start fires in your woodstove when we run out of heating oil.

In order to assimilate to the new regime, remove your right-wing bumper stickers from your car (“I Vote and I’m Pro-Life”, the Jesus fish, “Bush ‘04”, “amateurs built the ark, professionals built the titanic”, “Jesus is coming, Everyone look busy” “Answer my prayers, Steal this car!”, “Are you as close to Jesus as you are to my bumper”, “Atheism is a non-prophet organisation”, Jesus Loves You, But I’m His Favorite”).

Replace your religious bumper stickers with funny atheist bumper stickers that imply you are a non-believer, and you have a sense of humor (you know, "667, neighbor of the beast", “Jesus may love you, but he won’t respect you in the morning”, “Jesus paid the price, Visa declined”, “Can’t stop now, on my way to Hell!”, “Jesus Saves Sinners, and redeems them for valuable cash and prizes”, “Darwin Loves You”, “God is coming and She is pissed”, etc…).

Don't stop at your bumper stickers. Clothing is an important part of any demonophile.

Throw out any clothing that looks like you are not assimilating. That includes your plaid red jackets, denim-anything, camo clothing, tractor supply clothing, ‘Git-R-Done’ memorobilia, and anything that refers to country music, Nascar or Bass fishing.

What's Next?

Await further instruction from this blogsite. We will keep a close eye on Hilary Rodham Clinto for you, and we will provide updates as the situation warrants.

by: fileboy

Baby its cold outside, a Duet

How did you find my home - Baby it's cold outside

You need to go away - Baby it's cold outside

Being here is a sin - Been planning to drop in

You’re not very nice - I'll hold your hands they're cold as ice

My wife will start to worry - Handsome, what's your hurry

Get out, I’ll open the door - Listin to the fireplace roar

So really you’d better scurry - Please don't make me hurry

I won’t ask you any more - Put some records on while I pour

Are you pouring a drink - Baby,it's bad out there

Say, what's in this drink - No cabs to be had out there

I wish I knew how - Your eyes are like starlight now

To break the spell - I'll take your hat, your hair looks swell

Your causing my children to stir - Mind if I move a little closer

Why don’t you go for a ride - What's the use in hurting my pride

You really can't stay - Baby don't hold out

Baby it's cold outside

You simply must go - Baby, it's cold outside

The answer is no - Ooh baby, it's cold outside

Your welcome has been - You're lucky that I've dropped in

warn out, is it warm - Look out the window at that storm

My sister will be suspicious - Gosh, your lips look delicious

The cops should be there at the door - Waves upon a tropical shore

My wife’s anger is vicious - Gosh, your lips are delicious

I won’t tell you once more - Never such a blizzard before

You’ve got to go home - Baby, I'll freeze out there

Say, hand me that gun - It's up to your knees out there

I’m calling the cops - I'm thrilled when you touch my hand

Why are you singing - How can you do this thing to me

Don’t come back tomorrow - Just think about my life long sorrow

I hope you fall on the ice - I'll catch pneumonia and die

You really can't stay - Get over that old out

Baby it's cold outside

by file boy, inspired by this morning's duet with his fiance