For anyone who has worked in an office setting, you're no doubt familiar with the unrequested, unwanted and unnecessary "Holiday Update" newsletter some people hand out around the Holidays.
Last year, a friend of mine received the attached newsletter from a co-worker, and shared it with me. Please note that my friend was working at the place that is disparaged in the newsletter as not paying enough money. In other words, the person who handed this out, gave it to people who worked at "the bank" after she left because the bank didn't pay enough. What a great way to let your co-workers know that you are better than them.
This letter is reproduced here in its entirety, only the names have been changed to protect the idiotic.
"2005 has been an exciting year for our family.
In the last 12 months our lives have truly been blessed. In March Melvin found out that he matched in Orthopaedic Surgery at (_______) Hospital in Philadelphia. It was a 10 year goal/dream that finally came to fruition. The program he matched in is one of the top 5 orthopaedic programs in the nation. He has been working very hard and very long hours. Lacey is lucky to see him between her business trips and Melvin working the graveyard ship from time to time. January – April 2006 will be 4 of the hardest months for his entire residency.
Lacey decided to go back to the bank she worked at before we got married. They hired her back Last November and promoted her to Supervisor shortly after. She decided she was not making enough money or being challenged enough so she quit the bank and decided to start her own small consulting firm. She launched http://www._______.com/ and now has 9 clients that she works with. Her clients range from running a medical research study to designing websites, working in politics in Philadelphia, and working in sales. She is very happy with her company and has the opportunity to travel all over the nation all the time.
In May we decided to celebrate our one year wedding anniversary with a trip to Europe. We went to London, Paris and Rome and spent 9 days backpacking all around. We had a great time and Melvin finally got to leave this continent and get a few stamps in his passport.
In August, Melvin was told he had only one week vacation between August and June and was instructed to take his vacation the week of August 6th. Because we did not want him to spend his only vacation sitting at home, we decided to take another trip and went on a cruise to Bermuda. We had a fantastic time and purchased art for the house and most importantly met Paul and Denise – a couple who lives 15 minutes away and have become very good friends.
Because our schedules are so hectic and we were gone so often we decided that it was important to get Tiger a little brother. Grizzly came into our lives on September 15th when we picked him up from the breeder in California. He will be 6 months old on Christmas Day and is a little terror. We love him and Tiger is finally getting used to having him around.
We truly are blessed and have had an amazing year. Melvin is living his dream and Lacey is finally her own boss. We are still counting the days until we can move back to California and the great weather.
Happy Holiday – keep us up to date with your lives!"
______________________________
Now, in keeping with the generous spirit of the Holiday season, the staff at WhyIShootStuff have decided to re-write the newsletter, but do so in a way that allows you the reader to read it the way we read it. Merry Christmas!
My Family Has Outdone Your Family in 2005!
In the last 12 months our lives have truly been blessed, probably more than you have been blessed. In March, Melvin found out that he is the best ORTHOPAEDIC SURGEON in the country. Since our country has the best ORTHOPAEDIC SURGEONS in the world, this is truly a marvelous fete. He has been working very hard and long hours because he is so great. Lacey is lucky to see him between her business trips and Melvin working the gravy boat from time to time. Why am I speaking in the third person? Because it is the way of royalty, you peasant.
Even though it is clearly beneath her, Lacey decided to go back to the bank she worked at before we got married. They hired her back last November and immediately promoted her to SUPERIOR. Oops, I mean Supervisor. She decided that she wasn’t making nearly enough money because she is so f___ing talented that she was running the entire bank herself while simultaneously running our household, caring for two ridiculous dogs and looking down her bent nose at everyone in her path. She decided to start her own condescending firm. Oops, I mean consulting firm. I know what you are thinking. To be a consultant, one should first be an expert at something, and possibly have 20 years experience. Not to worry, Lacey can pretend to be an adult because Melvin makes such exquisite money that he can afford to bankroll one stupid whim after the other for her. Next week she’ll be a pilot. The week after that she may try her hand at politics, we don’t know. Anyway, her new business is on the web, at http://www.wearesomuchbetterthanyou@starfer.com/. Lacey is great. She is very happy with her company and has the opportunity to travel all the time. If you work at the bank, please be aware that Lacey now makes more money than you.
Did you get our picture (enclosed)? Take a look at Lacey. She looks as though she has been beaten about the face with a horse hoof. The fence post she’s standing next to is Melvin. He is an ORTHOPAEDIC SURGEON. You probably are not a SURGEON like Melvin.
In May we decided to celebrate our one year anniversary by traveling around the world in a hot air balloon. We purchased artwork from famous artists and lit Cuban cigars with 100 dollar bills. Melvin is a surgeon.
Because of our immense talent, our schedules are very hectic. We bought a ridiculous dog and then named it Tiger. We chose that name because it is the name of the new cappuccino-latte offered at Starbucks. They call it Tiger-latte. We have a “latte” of fun with Tiger! duh.
We are blessed, more than you. We had an amazing year. Melvin is living his dream. Lacey is her own boss. We’ll be moving to California where it is warm and expensive and where people like us fit in. Melvin is a surgeon.
Happy Holiday – keep us up to date with your lives (actually we don’t really care what you are up to, we gave this newsletter to everyone to let everyone know how great we’re doing)!
Melvin, Lacey, Tiger and Grizzly!
by File Boy
posted by File Boy & D.Tkon at 9:14 AM
6 Comments:
How did you get a copy of my newsletter?
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Pretty god-damn funny!! At first I didn't know where you were going with this but it sure paid off for hanging in there. By the way, did I mention that Melvin is a SURGEON! I loved "We’ll be moving to California where it is warm and expensive" Brilliant! I know so many damn people like that and I hate those damn letters they write. There's a scene in the movie 'The Cook the Thief His Wife & Her Lover (1989)' where they kill this writer by stuffing pages from his books down his throat. That scene immediately comes to mind when reading Melvin's wife's fucking letter!
Bravo File Boy!
Just say it. You can tell from that letter that Melvin is gay, right? I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that... Working late nights, never spends time with his wife, and his name and all. So obviously gay.
And Lacey, poor, dear, somewhat pathetic, definitely butch- Lacey. She wasn't challenged by her job. Um, yeah. That translates: no one liked her at her job. In fact, no one likes her anywhere. That's why she's now working alone. I mean, it was so bad that they had to buy a friend for their dog because the dog didn't even like her! Nothing but pain here. Melvin didn't want to spend a week sitting at home on his "vacation" because he'd be sitting at home WITH HER.
He hoped by marrying someone a little butch he might overcome... but that's not going to happen. Look at the last line of their letter- they're moving back to San Francisco- where Melvin is more at home with his homoboys. Not that there's anything wrong with that... That letter makes me just a little sad for their pathetic little lives.
Deep thoughts. What if real people did these letters and told the truth? Using lines like:
"...we fought about it for a month..."
"...denied the 10¢ per hour raise for the whole factory, the union said..."
"...we've been praying about it and the church has given us boxes of food..."
"...I don't care what she says, no headache lasts that long..."
"...they allow him one phone call a day and we take the bus to visit once a month..."
"...says she'd rather skip lunch at school altogether than open her PBJ wrapped in a plastic bread bag..."
"...water went everywhere, the toilet looked like a fountain..."
"...prayed and prayed for that job, good waitressing jobs are hard to find..."
"...caught smoking a cigarette behind the school..."
"...just flings his socks as though he can't see the hamper..."
"...we thought it best to pay the electric that month and part of the phone bill, and then begin a rotation..."
As much as we hate to hear people bragging, we really don't want to hear the truth either, do we?
Addgirl's "deep thoughts" post makes me think we might need to have her as a guest writer. I hadn't thought about the butch/gay angle, but you might be right. In all fairness, I think he's straight, but just can't get the ringing out of his ears from her nagging and self-promotion. I never met this girl ("Lacey"), but when I saw the newsletter, I knew it was on. Check back later for another installment, the "We've moved" post card complete with a picture of the family. Melvin is wearing a t-shirt that reads, "Trust me, I'm a doctor" no shit.
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