Mail Bag
Dear WhyIShootStuff.com Editors,
Recently my wife and I have become concerned that our eldest pet “Lucky” is dabbling in recreational drugs. Lucky is our German Shepard and he’s only ten months old. Due to his young age and good upbringing I think it is not only unlikely that he would use drugs, I am convinced that he knows better. My wife on the other hand, thinks Lucky needs some sort of intervention. Help please!
Signed,
Concerned in Concordville
Dear Concerned,
Recreational drug use among pets is a very real problem which has only gotten worse over the past several years. Most people are shocked to find out that their mild mannered pet by day is a party animal by night. Most of the pet drug abuse we hear about here at “WhyIShootStuff” is from pets that “know better” and come from "good homes".
I can vividly remember a similar experience with my cat Joey. I began suspecting drug use when I noticed that some of the other cats Joey chose to associate with had bloodshot eyes and smelled of Boone’s Farm. What I found out later was that Joy was already a full-fledged reefer addict, and it was going to get a whole lot worse before it began to get better.
During the time I went through this ordeal, there were nights when I thought I’d lose her. I’ll share a few entries from my personal diary, taken from the worst part of Joey’s drug use.
Thursday, October 1, 2004, 4:00 a.m. –
“Awoke to the smell of burning grass. Burning grass?! JOEY!”
Tuesday November 13, 2004, 2:30 a.m. –
“Awoke to the sound of car keys jingling. Got out of bed and caught Joey trying to get outside, presumably to take my truck for another joy ride.”
Sunday, December 11, 2004, 2:00 p.m. –
“Football game on TV interrupted by sounds of pots and pans in kitchen. Apparently Joey needed to make brownies.”
Friday, January 15, 2005, 5:30 p.m. –
“Decided to get milk at store. When I arrived at the counter with my jug of milk, I was surprised to find that I didn’t have any money in my wallet. Tell-tale scratches on leather of wallet mean only one thing.”
But there is light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not going to tell you it was easy, but with patience, perseverance and a lot of catnip, Joey turned herself around. Before Joey’s recent (and untimely) demise she was a regular at the soup kitchen in town, where she volunteered. She gave lectures on pet drug abuse and mentored several neighborhood kittens.
My advice to you is to seek professional help. And remember; get between your pet and his druggie friends. If you have to, be willing to put yourself between your pet and an automobile (unless he’s high and already in gear. Then you should probably just get out of the way).
(We encourage you to submit your questions to the editors. A few lucky individuals will see their query here, in the files of “Mail Bag”)
By File Boy
posted by File Boy & D.Tkon at 10:34 AM
2 Comments:
Dying to read your response to Toto...
Dear toto,
First let me thank you for your honesty, and commend you on your courage in writing in to us with your problem. What you are describing is something we hear all too often. Another pet that is dabbling with cell phone usage, sexual promiscuity and telephone fantasies vis-a-vis 900 numbers. If I had a nickel for every time someone wrote in about pet cell phone usage, sexual promiscuity and telephone fantasies vis-a-vis 900 numbers, I'd have more nickels than I do now. I'll take a stab at helping you out. Let me address your post script first. Try fingering his butt sometimes. I've heard some guys like that. Now with regard to your dog, Cairn terriers are notorious 900 number cell phone adicts. You either knew that when you bought her, or you should have known. Giving Ruby a cell phone and expecting her not to call the sexual fantasy hotlines is akin to telling an elephant to watch the peanuts. What I recommend is an intensive reconditioning program. I'd place some small electrical calipers on Rubys genitalia, and then gently apply an electrical current to her whenever she picks up her cell phone. At first you might start out with a higher voltage, say a small riding mower battery. Then in time you can decrease the voltage to smaller household batteries, as Ruby becomes aware of the relationship between bad behaviour and genital disfigurement. This technique has worked for dozens of Cairn terrier owners around the country. We wish you Godspeed. Oh and keep us posted on the progress!
P.S. Could I have her cell phone number? For research purposes.
Post a Comment
<< Home