Some Fun With Mathburgers.

Everyone is familiar with the basic cheeseburger. Delicious and understated, this sandwich is made with the following equation:

1 patty + 2 buns + ketchup + mustard + one slice cheese +onion shavings = delicious burger.

The double cheesburger is a simple variation of the cheeseburger where the above equation is represented by "a" as follows:

a + 1 burger + 1 cheese = double cheeseburger.

If then the double cheeseburger equation is represented by a "b", we can say that a BigMac is represented by the following equation:

b + 1 slice bread - ketchup + (-mustard) + special sauce + grass clippings = Big Mac.

Now, there is no conversion for the Quarter Pounder from the ordinary cheeseburger equations, but we can say that if c = a quarter pound of meat then the quarter pounder can be represented with the following equation:

a + (-burger patty + c) = quarter pounder. (Of course we'll have to overlook the fact that the bread in a is not as large as the typical c bread, but let's just pretend they're the same size.)


The double quarter pounder, the enjoyment of which is perhaps the best representation of what it is to be American can be reduced to the following equation:

a + (-burger patty + 2c) + 1 slice cheese = double quarter pounder.

Yeah that's right, the triple is next. We can represent the triple thus:

a + (-burger patty + 3c) + 2 slices of cheese = triple quarter pounder.

Finally, we have the "Quad stacker" or the full pounder. You might give the following equation to the person taking your order at the drivethru (or you could just say: "pound me"):

a + (-burger patty + 4c) + 3 slices cheese = pound me good.

For the time being we only have one fish sandwich product (offered by various vendors) which equation is:

Where x=filet 'o fish,

a + (-burger patty + x) + (-slice of cheese) + tartar sauce = filet 'o fish.

Finally we have the following equation to represent the McRib:

a + (-burger patty + garbage) + y = McRib
where y = melted garbage or "sauce"

by File Boy

Well here we are on the cusp of summer and we find ourselves firmly ensconced in what I'm coining as the "biting fly season".

There are so many different kinds of biting flies out there that I thought it might be helpful to identify a few that hound me and provide some good advice on how to outsmart those flying a-holes.

Look at this flying a-hole. This is a horse fly. In all honesty there isn't too much you can do about horse flies. They can outfly you, and they like how you taste. They have mouthparts which can be best described as "scissor-like".

I had a professor in college who said that the bite is so painful and that combined with the fact that it takes a while for them to "cut a hunk" of flesh makes it an evolutionary miracle that these things are still around. But they are.

So are deer flies (colloquially referred to "green heads" and "those flying green headed assholes) and all of the other sundry biting plaguery. What I use for a quick walk in the woods when scent is not an issue (non-hunting situations) is Off spray, which contains something like 5% deet. But if you want the real-deal holyfield, you go get one of those small 9 dollar bottles of 100% DEET - (it might be more like 50% not sure). They are usually scent-free and are geared towards hunters. The bottle is small because it is filled with Gypsy tears. Just kidding, I guess its because its expensive stuff and you don't need to use a lot. This stuff will keep house flies, Bot flies...

human bot fly boring into unsuspecting human

adult bot fly just sitting around on his lazy ass waiting for a delicious human to happen by

My Goodness, Chief. There's a lot out there to harm you.

That's right Jane. And I haven't even discussed mosquitoes yet.

The Deet spray I mentioned will keep mosquitoes, gnats and the like at bay.

Now, since you can't outrun the biting flies, here's what I have learned about them through years of scarred trial and error.

1.) Biting flies are attracted to shiny objects/clothing. Whipping out a bottle of poland spring is a bad idea as is flinging pie pans around. I mention that because there was a scientist on the Discovery channel who wanted to catch a bunch and the way he attracted them was to tie a string to a pie plate (aluminum) and twirl it around in circles over head. They like cars too. Wear light-colored clothing, avoid jewelry and cologne. Wet hair (and shiny clothing) resembles the coat of a deer or other delicious animal. Try not to look like a delicious animal.

2.) Usually when one hits you on the head or bites you, you spiral into a crazed panic and try to outrun the perceived swarm. I've done this. We've all done this. But wait, its only one fly! Wait for it to land on you and smack it. Unfortunately when you smack it, your arms resemble a twirling pie plate, and more come. In all honesty usually there's only a few around so if you kill the one that's on you, sometimes you're ok. And for chrissake don't make eye contact with them, holy shit!

3.) Avoid wet areas. In addition to your run-of-the-mill mosquito (which is a vector for Equine Encephalitis, West Nile and who knows what all) there is a larger breed that has striped legs (no kidding - they're white and black and we call them "those zebra fuckers"). These fuckers will catch up to you even if you're running. Run faster. Spray more deet and swat away.

by File Boy