It’s OK. I Just Don’t Give a Shit!

Many people have asked: How is it possible that the USA produces so much of the world's foreign policy? Why is it that the United States' opinion of what is right and wrong has so much de-facto say in how the world goes about its daily life? Some have suggested it's the economic engine, some have suggested it's a willingness to involve our military in what are otherwise strictly political matters. Still others hold the opinion that the US is allied with dark forces, and its power in this world flows from the evil powers-that-be.

I, as a citizen of the US, can assure you that they are all wrong. America's great international sway comes from its own foreign policies and interactions.

Core Policies:

The United States of America's foreign policy is simple:

If you trade with the USA, and promise not to take up arms because you give a shit about the world's other countries, religions, or races, the USA promises not to give a shit about you or your country.

The policies of the US Departments of State and Defense are likewise simple:

Don't make us give a shit about you.

Virtually every other country on Earth is completely at ease with these policies, because they fully understand all their implications.

A country, person, or group about which the United States gives a shit is in a very bad place. In order to get into that state, they must have picked up arms because they give a shit about something. There are two possible exits from this state: The country, person, or group convinces the US that it has stopped giving a shit about whatever it was that caused it to pick up arms, or that country, person, or group is destroyed: either by itself, its neighbors, or the US.

This is as it should be

While this may seem counterintuitive, it is nevertheless true. Switzerland became a world banking power precisely because they were politically neutral. People trusted a foreign country's banks with money that they didn't trust their own governments with precisely because Switzerland and its banks convincingly did not give a shit, and the investors were afraid that their own country might just end up giving a shit.

Today, the Federal Depositories of the United States contain much of the gold and other collateral that other countries use to back their currencies. Why? Because those countries know that the banks care about money, but not about who owns it. If the banks cared, they might seize assets or hold up payments. Those clients, be they countries, organizations, or individuals are comfortable and relaxed in the absolute surety that the banks of the US just don't give a shit.

What is true for money is true for many other things as well. Take nuclear weapons. A country that just doesn't give a shit about you is about the only country you can afford to allow to possess nuclear arms. Since the USA stands at the absolute pinnacle of not giving a shit, almost every other nation on earth is quietly happy that the US has a policy of buying-out other country's nuclear arsenals. Why are so many nations worried about Iran getting nuclear weapons? Because they know damn well that Iran gives a shit about their country.

The businesses of the United States of America pride themselves on this. The unofficial motto of all international corporations based in the US is:

You can trust us because you know we don't actually give a shit about you.

And what's more? You, be you a country, organization, or individual, are completely in control of whether the United States chooses to give a shit about you. Given that, you can always trust its banks, trade agreements, and treaties. You can (and most of you do) bask in the surety of your relationship to the world's largest economy, only remaining superpower, and largest owner of fissible materials on earth. Smile! We don't give a shit about you.

Common Misperceptions

Misperception: But people should give a shit about each other.

Truth: Au contraire! The problem is that altogether too many people give a shit about too many other people. The people in Palestine really give a shit about the people in Israel, and vice versa. In the United States, expatriates from those countries can share a duplex, pirate one another's cable service, and invite each other over for (kosher/halal) barbecues merely because they stopped giving a shit and moved out of the proximity of people who still do. Their kids will grow up healthier and happier, have longer life expectancies, and have a greater impact on the world stage than they would have anywhere else on the planet. For the sake of the world and all its good people: Stop giving a shit!

Misperception: But I hate it when other people don't give a shit about me!
Truth: What really ticks most people off is someone goofing up or goofing off because they don't give a shit about them. Please don't confuse giving a shit with being polite, trustworthy, or efficient. The guy in the tollbooth may not give a shit, but he can still greet you with a smile and wish you a good day. The bank teller may give more of a shit about her nails than she does about you, but that won't excuse her adding two and two and getting five. Being polite, trustworthy, and efficient is important, whether you give a shit or not.

Misperception: But the United States of America hates Islam! That's clearly giving a shit!
Truth: No, the USA doesn't give a shit about any religion. Some Muslim people care so much about religion that they actually believe some areas of Earth are reserved exclusively for them. That's stupid, offensive, and impolite. Still, the US really, truly, did not give a shit about them until their leaders gave so much of a shit about non-Muslim people living in Dar al Islam that they took up arms. At that point the US honored all of its prior foreign policy and promptly gave a shit. Those leaders ended up hiding in caves in the borderlands of Pakistan, and the US promptly went back to its prior position of not giving a shit about that country or its people.

Misperception: But I and my friends hate the United States of America with such soul-searing contempt that they must give a shit about us!
Truth: You have confused your shit with America's shit. Just because you give a shit about America doesn't mean America gives a shit about you. People have been decrying America and expressing revulsion at it since before America was its own country. American citizens themselves vilify the policies and persons of their administration, and so long as they don't take up arms, the USA rolls blithely onward, not giving a shit about them or their rhetoric.

Misperception: The DEA proves you're wrong. The US gives a shit about me because I am in a drug cartel and sell my product to people in the US.
Truth: Close, but still wrong. The US doesn't give a shit about people that sell or use drugs. The US does give a shit about people who give so much of a shit about their next fix that they take up arms to steal from their neighbors so that they can buy themselves that fix. It is only by this distant connection to arms-carrying-giving-a-shit that the United States gives a shit about you. You may safely assume that if your drugs were trivially affordable and didn't incite killings, then the US would happily go straight back to not giving a shit about you.

Misperception: But I give a shit about something that is actually important!

Truth: While you are almost certainly wrong, this is worth covering. If you think that someone else has something that's yours, and you want it restored, and you're willing to try and fix it with violence, then probably you, your neighbors, your grandchildren, and the rest of the world would all be better off if you just totally dropped the issue, moved to a small farm in the Midwest, and made a good life for yourself there. It's not that hard to live a peaceful and productive life in a land where people don't give a shit, provided you can let go of whatever it is that's got you upset.

Borrowed without permission - but I don't give a shit - D.Tkon