Apparent Beachgoer Found on Jersey Beach

Near Wildwood, NJ - Authorities are investigating the discovery of an apparent sunbather on a New Jersey beach; they plan to perform a full investigation.

Barrett Chapman was planning to spend the day much like he spends all of his days, by going down to the beach and using drugs. When Barrett made his way onto the New Jersey beach he spotted what appeared to be a person enjoying the recent warm spell. The apparent sunbather was lying on a towel in the sand soaking up the rays (Jersey-speak for car exhaust and ozone) in an otherwise abandoned, trash-strewn sandbar exposed by an unusually low tide at North Wildwood.

"I've never seen a sunbather on a New Jersey beach other than in the tourism commercials," Chapman told reporters at the Wildwood Daily Chronicle for Tuesday's newspapers. "But when I looked closer and saw it wasn't a mannequin or a Dead Person, which are commonplace, I was scared. This guy actually said ‘hi’ to me. I tried to hit him because he freaked me out. What was he doing out there anyway?”

The local police confirmed Barrett’s assessment later in the day. Lt. Jocelyn Litrick said the sunbather appeared to have gotten lost and wondered out onto the New Jersey beach. Tests were being done to determine additional details, such as whether the sunbather had suffered some sort of head trauma prior to wandering out onto the otherwise deserted, disgusting and detritus-filled beach.