How To Of The Week
One of the greatest things about the Internet is the endless source of serious information about billions of serious subjects. Nowhere else can so much information be found with only a few clicks and keystrokes. I thought I would try posting some of the more “interesting” bits of information. Feel free to comment, guffaw, cringe, or be enlightened. If nothing else, I hope you are entertained. And now, to this week’s How To Segment.
How to Hide an Erection
How to Hide an ErectionAs guys, we all have times when we're caught off guard with an erect member. It can be embarrasing and awkward, especially when you're a teen, or you are in an important meeting or such. Here is what you can do to avoid such embarrasing situations.
Steps
1. Clothes are key in concealing an erection. Never wear tight clothes, or clothes that restrict movement. Jeans can be good or bad, as looser jeans tend to shield the growth, and tighter jeans accentuate it. Khaki pants are said to be good for hiding the erection, as well.
2. Underclothes can also be a factor. As a general rule, underpants are better than boxers. However, realizing that many men prefer boxers, it is not necessary to wear underpants.
3. Loose shirts are great if you can get away with them. If you're at school or someplace casual, use an untucked shirt at groin length to hide the erection. Sweatshirts work even better.
4. When you can't get away with clothing, resort to dire measures! Physical barriers aid the concealment of this problem quite well. Get something between your member and the people you're around. Hiding it under a desk, putting a book in front of it (held casually with one hand, not obviously), or anything else you can think of is great for concealing it.
5. Another trick is simply time. Give it time and the darned thing will go away. Don't think about it, or it'll stay longer.
6. Think about something engrossing--sports, politics, whatever. Some people find gross things to be effective in the neutralizing of an erection. Think of that video you saw in high school "The Miracle of Birth", and you should be okay.
7. The expression "walking it off" is great when applied to the theme of erections. Physical exercise gets rid of them rapidly.
8. Putting your hand in your pocket and holding your penis to the side can also help but it might hurt a little.
9. When all else fails, go to the bathroom and "tuck it in" pointing up and held with the waistband of your trousers. Don't make it hurt, just hold it in place. The erection will be much less noticeable, and will go away presently. Then, pull up your waistband and free your poor penis.
Tips (no pun intended)
*Don't think about sexual attraction while you have an erection; it'll make things worse.
*NEVER "flex". It's hard to explain, but if you're a guy, then you understand. Flexing will increase blood flow to the penis and make your erection last longer. Control the urge.
*Concentrate on something like a dead cat and try to feel it, taste it, smell it. But never think about how your erection is doing.
*Try not to stand up.
*Put your hands in your pockets and make a fist, this usually works if you are wearing tight pants.
*NEVER make eye contact with a girl you find attractive.
Warnings
Don't do anything to hurt your penis. It's better to be embarrased for a moment than damage your child-bearing, urine-flushing member for life.
borrowed without permission by D. Tkon
posted by File Boy & D.Tkon at 4:27 PM
22 Comments:
They left one idea out, how about wearing a swimming cap and women's swim suit? That would probably hide it.
Now for a few other comments:
Khaki pants are said to be good for hiding the erection, as well.
**I’ve always said that.
Hiding it under a desk, putting a book in front of it (held casually with one hand, not obviously).
**Nothing obvious about holding a book in front of your penis. In fact, some better-endowed men are able to balance books on their erections. “Hey! What are you doing with that cookbook, you pervert!?”
Think about something engrossing--sports, politics, whatever. Some people find gross things to be effective in the neutralizing of an erection
**The misuse of the word engrossed me. But then again, “engross” reminds me of “engorge”, so this might not be as effective as they say. Are you engulfed by my engrossing and engorged gross engorgment? (aw geez, where’s my cook book?)
Putting your hand in your pocket and holding your penis to the side can also help but it might hurt a little.
**Come on baby make it hurt so good, sometimes love don’t feel as it should, hurt so good.
When all else fails, go to the bathroom and "tuck it in" pointing up and held with the waistband of your trousers. Don't make it hurt, just hold it in place.
**What is it a baloon animal? “Tuck it in”? Who am I, James Gum? (Oh wait, is she some big fat person?)
NEVER make eye contact with a girl you find attractive.
**Advice the author of this article has practiced for years.
While I was a Customer Service Trainer for a large call-center, I was sitting next to an employee, listening to his conversation with a customer so that I could give him feedback. Rather than 100% facing the computer, he was sitting at a 45º angle, partially facing me and kind of slouching. When I reached over him knee to point to the screen to "silently" tell him to sit up, face-forward and pay attention to his conversation, I realized that he was, um, quite unabashedly, well, um, largely and very conspicuously, um, "attracted" (???) to me. It was awkward. He didn't even try to conceal it. I kind of think he wanted me to see it.
What was I supposed to say to him? (You know I'm practically Quaker!!!!!)
You don't say anything. You just reach over and massage his area and help him to release all of the evil. Its what any good Quaker would do.
FB – Thanks for such a thoughtful and critical analysis. Clearly one could go on and on with topics as stimulating as this!! And your comments are absolutely a riot! Khaki pants – I mean really! And how funny is it that this post follows directly after the last one with the guy in the swimsuit? I wish I didn’t have to work and could just tend to this little gem of a blog all day.
Anonymous, do you think if I had reached over and SMACKED the area, it would have been just as effective?
When you said "smack", didn't you mean "jack"? I think if you reached over and jacked the area it would have been very effective. If instead you meant "whack", then that too would work.
I said SMACK. Although, I believe that a KICK would be equally effective. Perhaps not as pleasant of a "release" but it would rid him of the problem, right?
Now why would you want to kick a guy for having an erection while you were nearby? His erection was the result of one of three things. Either 1.) He found you attractive, began to fantasize and became aroused (in which case you should feel flattered), 2.) He was fantasizing about some other situation/person (in which case no response from you is necessary) or 3.) He just had a spontaneous erection, which does happen to guys without explanation (in which case you should feel nothing, and pretend not to notice). The worst thing to do is obsess on it and remember it for years and wish that you had inflicted pain on his penis. There's no call for that. I for one won't stand for it. Apologize to the penis! Do it now.
I need to get some meds.
I think the penis you believe should be apologized to, belonged to a deranged psychopathic predator in the making. He could have hidden it with a physical barrier. He could have slid his chair under the desk. He could have turned in towards the computer. He could have put both legs under the desk. He could have put his hands on his lap. He didn't. He chose to display it. And I believe he was commando. That was years ago. At this time I believe that he is the fully formed deranged psychopatic predator that he longed to be and is probably stalking some woman, waiting to attack her...
If only I had smacked him. Hard. Maybe he would have learned his lesson.
That penis will never receive an apology from me. NEVER!
Now the penis that I first "experimented" with (thereby leading it's owner to shout, "AH, AH, TEETH!!!") I'll admit to apologizing to that penis many, many times.
OK, all I'm saying is that it sounded like he was trying to slouch and sort of keep it out of eye-shot (I won't say pardon the pun here, its implied). It was only after you had to get to the bottom of things, after you forcefully imposed upon his personal space and reached across his lap (by the way, there's no reason to reach across someone's lap that low - what were you doing down there anyway?) that you even noticed what was afoot. In the future you're just going to have to be more careful. I'd say this is just like when a male boss comes up behind a female employee and rubs her shoulders. Its an invasion of personal space. You can't just reach across some dude's lap. Plus have you ever thought that maybe it was just a fold in his khakis that appeared to be something else? Just take a look at any guys lap area when he's seated. There's a fold in the pants that would give a certain impression that is not always merited. If nothing else, he may have had one, tried to hide it, and then based on your actions to get him to sit up and expose his lap area - he may have interpreted that as a sign that you wanted to see what he had "down there". Its possible he received a message that you did not intend. He probably thought, "wow, she's bold. She wants to see it. Ok, here it IS!"
I don’t know quite how to say this, but FB’s word choice in his comments is just too f-ing funny.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Why did you remove all the sexual innuendo comments? Can't handle it?
I don't know who removed them. Or why they were removed. I don't even remember what they said. Perhaps it was FB!
Actually, I'll admit it. I deleted them because I found them to be incendiary and offensive.
Well I find you to be offensive!
Your mom's offensive.
Who wrote that?
I'm gay.
That’s funny – You know I figured it would just be a matter of time until someone figured out that anyone could post comments using anyone’s name. So I guess the fun is over now because we’ll never know who’s really posting. Oh well.
Post a Comment
<< Home