OOOOOOOH SHIIIIIIIIT!!!!

Seems Hillary is stooping – or should we say “pooping” to new lows in her non-ending effort to derail Obama’s lunge for the Democratic nomination.

On three occasions since January, Sen. Barack Obama's passport file was pooped on by three different contract workers, said State Department spokesman Sean McCormack. The contractors accessed information in the file in an unauthorized way, he said. Two contractors were fired and one was disciplined by the contractor's company, McCormack said. He said the contractors are not linked, though suspicious shit stains are being investigated.

The State Department hires contractors to design, build and maintain their systems and help employees with searches. McCormack said two of the contractors in the Obama case were "low-level" janitorial-type personnel and the other was in a mid-level position with no management abilities. The breach seems like "imprudent brown-capping" among the contract workers, said McCormack, adding that senior management at the State Department was not aware of the crapping incidents until Thursday afternoon. Pooping occurred January 9, February 21 and March 14.

A State Department source said passport files contain scanned images of passport applications, birth date and basic biographical information, records of passport renewal, and possibly citizenship information.

Obama's campaign is asking for a complete investigation to find out who shit in Obama's passport file and why. "This is an outrageous breach of security and privacy, even from an administration that has shown little regard for either over the last eight years," said Obama campaign spokesman Bill Burton in a statement. "Our government's duty is to protect the private information of the American people from unabashed shitting, and not to allowi it to be used for toileting purposes." Doug Hattaway, a spokesman for Sen. Hillary Clinton, Obama's rival for the Democratic presidential nomination, said, "If it's true, it's reprehensible, and the Bush administration has a responsibility to get to the “bottom”of it.”

The White House declined comment Thursday evening, just hours after the State Department upper management learned that the shit had hit the fan. State Department officials say Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice was told Thursday what happened and that she told her staff she wanted a full investigation. The department would not speculate whether the poo had been shared with anyone else.

by d.tkon

Give this man a really big hand!

The man with the largest hand in the world will be looking forward to a normal life after undergoing radical plastic surgery at Shanghai No. 9 People’s Hospital.

Liu Hua shows his abnormal hand

Liu Hua, a 24-year-old Jiangsu Province native, was born with a left thumb, index and middle finger much larger than normal.

Liu was suffering from a rare disease called Macrodactyly, a birth defect in which toes or fingers are abnormally large. The cause of the disease is unknown but bone and soft tissue grows at an extraordinary rate.

On July 20 surgeons began a seven-hour operation to reduce the size of Liu’s fingers and thumb. Doctors removed 5.1kg of flesh and bone in the procedure. A second operation was scheduled to take place six months later to reshape his left arm and shoulder, in the United States. However, while in the US and waiting for his surgery, Liu Hua attended a baseball game at Yankee Stadium. (The Surgery was to take place at NYU).

However, while at the game, Mr. Hua saw many fans wearing oversized foam hands declaring "We're Number One!" Mr. Hua assumed the foam hands were intended to make fun of him and he returned to Shanghai without undergoing the second operative procedure.

By d.tkon

DODGE THIS!

Fileboy got me thinking. He’s an amateur when it comes to knowing garbage. I mean he might have a nose for one or two stinkers from time to time, but the guy just doesn’t have the expertise to really be offering opinions here (i.e. worst songs, worst cars, worst storms etc.). So I checked out the web for some professional advice and found that they don’t know what the hell they’re talking about either. For instance, I tried to find out what the worst movies of all time are. Nobody agrees – Here are a bunch of sites that are supposed to be the experts on shit – and I do mean shit. See for yourself.

Rotten Tomatoes – Worst of the Worst by rank

100 – Catwoman Halle Barrie
99 – A Man Apart – Vin Diesel
98 – Norbit - Eddie Murphy
97 – Slackers
96 – Say It Isn’t So
95 – Taxi – Queen Latifa
94 – I Dreamed of Africa – Kim Basinger
93 – Juwanna Mann
92 – First Daughter – Katie Holms (thank god)
91 – Uban Legend Final Cut

IMBd – Bottom 100 worst ranked movies

1. The Hottie and the Nottie
2. Alien vs. Hunter
3. Zombie Nation
4. Ben & Aurthur
5. How She Move
6. Who’s Your caddy
7. Zodiac Killer
8. Feel the Noise
9. Witless Protection
10. Pledge This


Ten Worst Blockbusters Of All Time

10. The Rock
09. Van Helsing
08. Pearl Harbor
07. Meet the Fockers
06. Armageddon
05. Patch Adams
04. Titanic
03. Star Wars Episode I – The Phantom Menance
02. Big Momma’s House
01. Batman & Robin


Audience polls
Certain sites attempt to gauge the opinion of their audience regarding the worst film ever via voluntary poll. However, since respondents tend to be self-selected, these polls are not scientifically rigorous and should not be considered definitive. Additionally, these polls tend to fluctuate wildly in reaction to recent films.

According to the IMDb's polls, as of March 3, 2008, the top ten worst rated movies are:

1. 1.4 Zombie Nation (2004)
2. 1.4 Ben & Arthur (2002)
3. 1.5 Who's Your Caddy? (2007)
4. 1.6 Witless Protection (2008)
5. 1.6 Surf School (2006)
6. 1.6 Dünyayı Kurtaran Adamın Oğlu (2006)
7. 1.6 The Ten Commandments (2007)
8. 1.6 Die Hard Dracula (1998)
9. 1.7 Crossover (2006)
10. 1.7 The Tony Blair Witch Project (2000)

According to the poll on everyonesacritic.net, as of January 31, 2008, the top ten worst rated movies are:

1. Battlefield Earth (2000)
2. Spice World (1997)
3. House of the Dead (2003)
4. From Justin to Kelly (2003)
5. Catwoman (2004)
6. Alone in the Dark (2005)
7. Glitter (2001)
8. Baby Geniuses (1999)
9. Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997)
10. Kazaam (1996)

One of the best sites on the subject is Wikipedia -- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Films_considered_the_worst_ever

They have lots of entries for various categories which I think renders the opinions much more reliable. For instance, look at these categories:

B-Movies
Glen or Glenda (1953)
Robot Monster (1953)
Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959)
The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961)

I love the descriptions like “Unwatchable”

Poorly executed adaptation
Catwoman (2004)
Alone in the Dark (2005)
BloodRayne (2006)


Poor comedy
Leonard Part 6 (1987)
Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot (1992)
Underground Comedy Movie (1999)
Freddy Got Fingered (2001)
The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002)
The Master of Disguise (2002)


There are so many bad movies out there – you could search for hours and never even scrape the surface. The Wikipedia site is the best

Cheesier than you know who!

It probably wouldn't be on the menu for your mother-in-law's first dinner visit, and it isn't exactly gourmet fare, but macaroni and cheese is one of the most popular--if not the most popular--American comfort foods. Nearly every soul food cookbook and many Southern cookbooks have recipes for the American favorite, with few differences from one to the next.

Some believe the dish was created by founding father Thomas Jefferson, known for his great interest in food, and in a 1996 "Restaurants & Institutions" article, Barbara Bell Matuszewski wrote that Jefferson served the dish in the White House in 1802. However, noted food historian Karen Hess claims Jefferson did not invent the dish, though he did return from a trip to Paris with a macaroni mold.

According to John Mariani, author of "The Dictionary of American Food and Drink," macaroni and cheese was first made in the nineteenth century, but it took on a even greater popularity when Kraft Foods introduced the Kraft Dinner (macaroni and cheese) in 1937. According to a company spokesperson, Kraft now sells more than one million boxes of the dinners every day! The Kraft dinners are so popular, in fact, that children and some adults have been known to turn up their noses when offered a rich and delicious homemade version.

Food historians have records of Americans eating macaroni and cheese in the 18th century. Thomas Jefferson enjoyed eating macaroni with grated cheese and butter, and he also liked a sweet macaroni pudding, according to records at Monticello, his plantation home outside of in Virginia. However, it isn't until the late 1930s and the Depression that macaroni and cheese becomes the widely popular and loved food that it is today.

Basic recipes for macaroni and cheese appear as early as 1824 in Mary Randolph's The Virginia House-Wife. Apparently, Randolph is no fan because she describes the dish by saying it "started out as a misconception of an Italian dish."

In Sarah Rutledge's The Carolina Housewife, written in 1847, macaroni and cheese is again identified as an "Italian Receipt," and Rutledge's version is similar to the macaroni and cheese recipes of today. It consists of a white sauce layered with grated cheese, in this case Parmesan cheese, and cooked macaroni and then baked for "10 minutes in a quick oven."

More recipes appear in cookbooks from the 1880s through early 1900s. Jean Anderson says in her cookbook, the American Century Cookbook, that the earliest recipe she found made with "an honest-to-goodness cheese sauce" is in the Larkin Housewives' Cook Book (1915).

However, it wasn't a recipe for homemade macaroni and cheese that popularized the dish; it was Kraft, says Anderson. Kraft was the first to introduce an instant macaroni and cheese dinner, in 1937. In that year alone, Anderson writes "eight million Kraft Dinners were sold, but their popularity soared tenfold during World War II because they were not only good meat substitutes, but also required just one ration coupon."

Since the Kraft Company put it in a box in 1937 every American kid grew up with macaroni and cheese. There can be no doubt that its ultimate origins are Italian, as one finds macaroni and cheese recipes from the late thirteenth century in southern Italy. The anonymous Liber de coquina, written in Latin by someone familiar with the Neapolitan court then under the sphere of Charles II of Anjou (1248-1309) has a recipe called de lasanis which we can call the first “macaroni and cheese” recipe. It was a macaroni, in this case, lasagne sheets made from fermented dough and cut into two-inch squares that were cooked in water and tossed with grated cheese, probably Parmesan. The author suggests using powdered spices and layering the sheets of lasagne, just like today, with the cheese if desired.

But the American macaroni and cheese has two main lines of ancestry claimed. In the first, it is thought that macaroni and cheese was a casserole that had its beginnings at a New England church supper. In southeastern Connecticut it was known long ago as macaroni pudding. In the second, and more famous story, and more than likely the original story, it is said that the classic American macaroni and cheese returned with Thomas Jefferson to Virginia after his sojourn in Italy. Jefferson had brought back a pasta machine from Italy. His daughter Mary Randolph became the hostess of his house after Jefferson’s wife died and she is credited with inventing the dish using macaroni and Parmesan cheese. Later, the Parmesan was replaced with cheddar cheese. Anyway, that's one story. It is more likely that Jefferson encountered the dish in Italy and brought back the recipe.

If you go to the Kraft Macaroni & Cheese website, you can play this fun game - http://tms.promotions.com/spacecenteriwg/login.do

by d.tkon <-- He's the cheesiest!!

Here's a list of the best movies of all time. I'm not saying these grossed the most money, were critically acclaimed, or changed the world. These are the movies that I will stop and watch whenever they are on. These movies made me laugh or cry or inspired me. I defy you to find a better list of movies. If you haven't seen one of the movies listed below, I recommend you go out and buy it now.

A River Runs Through It
Ghostbusters (Part I)
Back to the Future
Braveheart
Ferris Beuhler’s Day Off
Shawshank Redemption
The Muppet Movie (the first one)
Forest Gump
American History X
National Lampoon’s Vacation
Holiday Inn
The Lord of the Rings
Saving Private Ryan
Goodfellas
A Few Good Men
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Patton
The Breakfast Club
The Silence of the Lambs
Rainman
The Wizard of Oz
Star Wars
The Sixth Sense
Driving Miss Daisy
The Shining
A Christmas Carol (George C. Scott)
American Beauty
The Last Samurai
The Matrix
Groundhog Day
Scrooged

by fileboy

Nightmares? Be Honest About Monsters Under Your Bed

Monsters Harm Children

Younger patients with symptoms of recurring nightmares should be asked if they have monsters under their beds, which can cause nightmarish symptoms, the American Monster Association warns doctors.

For these patients, honesty can be a matter of life or death: Some nightmares are actually waking experiences caused by real live monsters under the bed. Misdiagnosed monster attacks, while rare, can lead to full-blown monster mayhem, if left untreated.

New guidelines published online Monday in the American Monster Association journal say that parents of sufferers as well as emergency room doctors need to be aware that symptoms of a monster attack in younger patients with no history of nightmares, night terrors, or the less common, nighttime monster freak out (“ntmfo”) may be caused by the monsters under their beds.

Monsters may cause chest pain, shortness of breath, anxiety, reluctance to use the potty after dark resulting in bed wetting and bed pooping, palpitations, dizziness, nausea, bed sheet tent making, pillow fortress building and heavy sweating -- all symptoms of a monster attack.

Common Sugar Monster - (Saccharinus Horribilus) - Usually shows up after borthday parties. Enjoys crumbs from cookies, especially high-sugar content cookies, like sugar cookies and oreos. Children should be advised not to take sugar or sweets to bed. Sugar Monster will tickle toes and ask for sugar repeatedly throughout night. WARNING: Do not feed sugar to sugar monster, that will only encourage him.

"Not knowing what you are dealing with and giving the wrong therapies could mean death rather than benefit," said Dr. Sheri Asswart, professor of clinical medicine at Columbia University Medical Center/New York Presbyterian Hospital.

The number of Monster-related users visiting ERs rose 47 percent from 1995 to 2002, increasing from 11 to 19, according to the government's Monster Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.

The statement says that since most monster-associated chest pain isn't a heart attack, such patients should be monitored instead of being admitted to the hospital. They would have an electrocardiogram and other tests to rule out a heart attack.

"If you admit everyone to the hospital with chest pain, you use valuable resources," said Asswart.

Two typical heart attack treatments can be dangerous to those suffering from monster attacks:
· Clot-busting drugs carry an extra risk of bleeding into the brain in patients whose blood pressure is high due to monster worry.
· Betablockers that can lower blood pressure without constricting arteries in typical heart attack patients have the opposite effect in monster sufferers, raising blood pressure and squeezing narrowed arteries (narrowed during recent monster strangulation attacks).

Asswart said that the monster counseling available in observation units varies among hospitals, and that more could be done to improve the counseling monster-attacked patients get.

"I think an ideal scenario would be someone whose job is to talk to them about this – listen to them explain the extent of their monster infestation, give them information about resources to help them live with monsters until they are old enough to realize the real monster is your spouse lying next to you," Asswart said.

fileboy

Listen to the monkey! He makes several excellent points regarding internet sluts! Not only is the monkey accurate, he advises us all using an offensive stereotypical Indian accent that is both offensive and most accurate my ignorant American friends! Click here for the Monkey's advice . . .
You Tube Sluts!!

And God Said . . .


VATICAN CITY (Reuters) - Thou shall not pollute the Earth. Thou shall beware of genetic manipulation. Modern times bring with them modern sins. So the Vatican has told the faithful that they should be aware of "new" sins such as causing environmental blight.
The guidance came at the weekend when Archbishop Gianfranco Girotti, the Vatican's number two man in the sometimes murky area of sins and penance, spoke of modern evils.

Asked what he believed were today's "new sins," he told the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano that the greatest danger zone for the modern soul was the largely uncharted world of bioethics.

"(Within bioethics) there are areas where we absolutely must denounce some violations of the fundamental rights of human nature through experiments and genetic manipulation whose outcome is difficult to predict and control," he said.

The Vatican opposes stem cell research that involves destruction of embryos and has warned against the prospect of human cloning. Girotti, in an interview headlined "New Forms of Social Sin," also listed "ecological" offences as modern evils. In recent months, Pope Benedict has made several strong appeals for the protection of the environment, saying issues such as climate change had become gravely important for the entire human race.

Pollution is a big problem. God doesn’t want you to throw a whole paper sack of empty McDonalds wrappers out the window of a moving Honda. It’s bad for the environment and can cause a car accident. For 2008, God has rolled out a whole list of new naughty no-no’s and has commanded strict compliance. As mentioned previously, Stem Cell research has topped the list as the biggest no-no of modern time. Other sins include:


- Being a pop music star or film personality and procreating or adopting;

- Driving in all of the lanes of traffic at the same time;

- Donating to any political campaign in support of anyone named Bush;

- Eating anything that’s been “SUPERSIZED”;

- Naming your child “RUDY” (regardless of gender);

- Piercing any body part other than your earlobes;

- Staring at retarded or disabled people;

- Making faces behind anyone’s back;

- Wishing ill of anyone for any reason;

- Thinking bad thoughts;

- Purchasing or even thinking of driving a Chrysler PT Cruiser.

God says, stay tuned for 2009. He's working on a new list that is expected to really whip the planet into shape. The biggest change for 2009's list will be penalties from on high that accompany the law of God. In the future, if you sin, you'll know in advance what to expect. For example, there'll be a heavenly push to enforce the sin of sloth. in 09, couch potatoes can expect cancerous growths on the insides of their eyelids. “You get the picture!” said God during a recent interview.

d.t.

Shhhh. I'm Thinking . . .







by dtkon

Apropos Of Nothing

Even when crying this young lady still has a beautiful face. Admittedly though, it’s more fun to watch her cry than sing – especially when she’s crying about . . . well, read for yourself.

Ok – what are we trying to say here folks? No wonder people are confused. Take off the hood and, Jesus Christ!!!! It’s Father MacKaye!!! Oh my god!

Put the hood back on and Jesus Christ!!!!! It’s Father MacKaye in a hood!! Oh my god! Believe me, it was the giant green cross that gave it away. Father MacKaye was always loyal to his Irish roots. Don’t you think that the Catholic Church should do a better job protecting the image of the cross? You don’t see other hamburger joints using giant golden arches to sell their burgers do you? McDonalds is right there lickety-split with a lawsuit the moment you try. Isn’t the cross like trade mark protected and shit? How can the KKK use that symbol without the Church getting all uppity? I’m pretty sure the Church can find a good lawyer somewhere to write a scathing cease and desist letter to the Clan.

Ok – sing with me.

Who can take a Negro,
Hang him from a tree
Light a cross on fire and
Make the news on channel 3

The Clandy-man
The Clandy-man can
The Clandy-man can
Cause he knows his Arian vison
will make the whole world good



Actually – I’ve been hearing reports that the KKK is doing it’s best to improve its image with the public. I think picking up litter on the highway is a great way to start? Rumor has it though that every once and a while, one of the KKK litter patrol gets picked off by a swerving Cadillac. Maybe they should leave their hoods at home.

by dtkon

While doing some spring cleaning in the attic here at the Why I Shoot Stuff shack I found a box labeled: "Do Not Open Until The Future". "Wonder why they capitalized 'The'" I thought, staring at the label. Of course I opened it. Inside was a crystal ball. A piece of paper next to the glass ball had written on it: 'Peer into the crystal ball and see the future!' Well, I'm always game for a little soothsaying, so I looked into the crystal.

As I looked, I saw newspaper headlines. They were as follows:

"Chelsea Clinton Announces 2016 Bid for White House"


Well, no surprise there, right? The next headline I saw wasn't that surprising either, really.

"Chelsea's Husband Announces 2024 bid for White House"

Really all of the headlines make sense, when you really think about it.

"Bill and Hillary Celebrate and Endorse Announcement of Clinton Dynasty by Sacrificing Christian Babies"

Those babies are so cute. They're almost too cute, know what I mean? In the Clinton's defense, they probably should be put down.

"Bill and Hillary Announce New Mandatory Custom: Eating Christians to Celebrate Christmas"

Get a load of the size of those utensils! Now that's some good eatin'!

"WalMart Announces Living Christian Christmas Candles to hit Stores by 12/01/2025"

This last one is a little extreme, (and bizzare taken together with this picture) but you have to admit, this kid makes a good candle. Even his hair is ablaze. He looks like he's really fed up with Satan too! He looks like he's saying: "Errrrrr (satan)!" This kid is on-fire for the Lord!

At any rate, I put the crystal ball back in the box and stashed it back in a corner of our attic. I should probably get back to work anyway.

fileboy