Join me, won’t you? As we go on another journey into our favorite city, Filthadelphia.
But where should we go today? Let's consult a local news site, I'm sure we can find something interesting to do there.
Now, which site should we look at? Hmmm...oh, here's one. NBC10.com. Let's see what's in the news today in Philly.
Another Woman Sexually Assaulted On Philadelphia Street
Authorities are on the lookout for a man they believe robbed and sexually assaulted five women in the city. Only 5?
They haven’t found him yet, but that shouldn’t stop you from coming to Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love (and sisterly assault).
Another Woman Sexually Assaulted On Philadelphia Street
Authorities are on the lookout for a man they believe robbed and sexually assaulted five women in the city. Only 5?
They haven’t found him yet, but that shouldn’t stop you from coming to Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love (and sisterly assault).
Eagles Blog: Bunkley Skips Flight, Civil War Looming?
Eagles are falling apart; the quarterback is out for the season, they will be lucky to win another game this year. Wouldn’t you like to pay $100 to sit in a smelly stadium and get food poisoning from the disgusting hot dogs while you drink your $10 beer and watch your team get it handed to them? Come on down!
Guardian Angels Join Search For West Atlantic City Killer
Aren’t the Guardian Angels supposed to GUARD?!?! They aren’t the “Searching Angels”, they’re the GUARDIAN Angels!!. If they have to search for a killer, that in and of itself means that they have failed at their original goal, which is to GUARD. By the way, they suck as Searching Angels too, they haven't found anything.
Maybe they should change their title to something a little less assuming, like the “After-the-fact Angels” or “Symbolic Angels”. That way, no one would expect anything out of them, and then no one would be disappointed.
Woman Walks Onto I-95, Dies
Wonderful. I wonder what she died of? I doubt it was a speeding lunatic like the ones I see every time I drive through Philly on I-95. Those guys drive so well! I mean its nothing for them to go 100 mph and weave in and out of traffic. In fact, I think they are immune to traffic because whenever it gets bad they just jump out of line and go up the shoulder at about four thousand miles per hour. She must have been killed by someone with less skill than the normal Philly driver.
Officers Skip Hearings; Judge Might Let Defendents Go
Why not? Might as well just let them go, especially if you can’t spell what they are (that’s “defendants” for those of you in Glasgow, DE).
If there isn’t anything good to report on in the city itself, we might as well turn to the sports page. Uh oh, nothing good there either.
Defenseless Eagles Lose To Colts, 45-21
Prosecutors Release Tattoo Photos, Seek Public's Help
These are photos of the tattoos found on the corpse of a murdered prostitute. Prosecutors are hoping that someone will recognize the tattoos and help them to identify the body. Of course, there are probably 10,000 people who have been up close and personal with this poor woman’s body, and would know in a second who she is, but then they’d have to face the inevitable question(s), “How did you know her/When did you last see her/What were you doing that night?”
Oh, and there were at least two other murdered prostitutes found nearby. Or was it a total of 4 prostitutes? The murderer is still on the loose.
Police Investigate Nightclub Shooting
Why bother, there’ll be another nightclub shooting tomorrow, might as well let this one go and get a head start on tomorrow’s nightclub shooting.
Fight, Gunfire May Have Followed Frankford Wreck
Well of course gunfire followed the accident. I mean, someone had to pay for the damage to my bumper. Just kidding of course, but this is a great story to give you an idea of why Philly is so bad. I mean, you get into an accident, and you think you’re having a bad day. But your bad day is just beginning because the guy you hit has a gun and its aimed right at you. What can make your car look worse than an accident? How about some gun holes?
Man Who May Have Been Homeless Found Beaten To Death
“Are there no prisons?”
“Well, yes”
“Did something happen to the workhouses?”
“No”
“Well then perhaps the poor should go there.”
“But many would rather die than go to those places.”
“Then perhaps they should do so and decrease the surplus population.”
Or we could just help them out by beating them to death. A year or so ago there was a rash of murders in town that included homeless people who were not only murdered, but also set on fire. No kidding.
Willow Grove Mall Reopens After Fire
Hurry up and reopen so we can go shoppingduh.
Woman Walks Onto I-95, Dies
Wonderful. I wonder what she died of? I doubt it was a speeding lunatic like the ones I see every time I drive through Philly on I-95. Those guys drive so well! I mean its nothing for them to go 100 mph and weave in and out of traffic. In fact, I think they are immune to traffic because whenever it gets bad they just jump out of line and go up the shoulder at about four thousand miles per hour. She must have been killed by someone with less skill than the normal Philly driver.
Officers Skip Hearings; Judge Might Let Defendents Go
Why not? Might as well just let them go, especially if you can’t spell what they are (that’s “defendants” for those of you in Glasgow, DE).
If there isn’t anything good to report on in the city itself, we might as well turn to the sports page. Uh oh, nothing good there either.
Defenseless Eagles Lose To Colts, 45-21
Prosecutors Release Tattoo Photos, Seek Public's Help
These are photos of the tattoos found on the corpse of a murdered prostitute. Prosecutors are hoping that someone will recognize the tattoos and help them to identify the body. Of course, there are probably 10,000 people who have been up close and personal with this poor woman’s body, and would know in a second who she is, but then they’d have to face the inevitable question(s), “How did you know her/When did you last see her/What were you doing that night?”
Oh, and there were at least two other murdered prostitutes found nearby. Or was it a total of 4 prostitutes? The murderer is still on the loose.
Police Investigate Nightclub Shooting
Why bother, there’ll be another nightclub shooting tomorrow, might as well let this one go and get a head start on tomorrow’s nightclub shooting.
Fight, Gunfire May Have Followed Frankford Wreck
Well of course gunfire followed the accident. I mean, someone had to pay for the damage to my bumper. Just kidding of course, but this is a great story to give you an idea of why Philly is so bad. I mean, you get into an accident, and you think you’re having a bad day. But your bad day is just beginning because the guy you hit has a gun and its aimed right at you. What can make your car look worse than an accident? How about some gun holes?
Man Who May Have Been Homeless Found Beaten To Death
“Are there no prisons?”
“Well, yes”
“Did something happen to the workhouses?”
“No”
“Well then perhaps the poor should go there.”
“But many would rather die than go to those places.”
“Then perhaps they should do so and decrease the surplus population.”
Or we could just help them out by beating them to death. A year or so ago there was a rash of murders in town that included homeless people who were not only murdered, but also set on fire. No kidding.
Willow Grove Mall Reopens After Fire
Hurry up and reopen so we can go shoppingduh.
by File Boy
posted by File Boy & D.Tkon at 2:15 PM
2 Comments:
I think that's an unfair assessment of Philly, I mean a lot of nice things happen there that no one reports on because the media overhypes the bad.
Ac-cent-tuate the Positive, e-lim-inate the negative...as sung by Louis Armstrong I guess. You know what? Cram it if you can't sign your name.
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